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Parodies Etc.> Parodies: FOTR > Revised Lord of the Rings: FOTR part 3 A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ringby OlorintheWhite
A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Manuscript Part Three
Scene 1: Outside Moria... All: WAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Boromir: Well, what do we do now? Aragorn: We go to Lothlorien. Frodo: Why? Aragorn: ...Look I really like those belly dancers OK? And they happen to be touring elven-refuges, and Lorien is their next stop. Legolas: Gross dude my sister is one of them! Aragorn: Ooh ooh ooh!! Is she Latsoleg? Legolas: -Yeah. Aragorn: She is HOT!! Boromir: Mmm mmm...bellydancers- Sam: Oh would you all stop with the drooling?? We've got an important mission here and Mr. Frodo can't take it much longer!! Aragorn: Sam...I think you're gay. Scene 2: Lothlorien... Gimli: Be careful young hobbits! There is a tale of an evil elf-witch in these parts. She eats man-flesh! Aragorn: So does Sam. Sam: Do not!! Gimli: AHEM!! But not to worry; ...I got an elf-safety merit badge when I was a wee Dwarf Scout. (Elves pop out from everywhere) Haldir: Your friends are so stupid I could have strangled them with a cordless phone. Aragorn: Haldir!! What's up?? You touring with the bellydancers too? Haldir: ...I live here, you idiot. All my life. Gimli: I wanna go home!! Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Golden Wood. You cannot go back. Pippin: Good job, Aragorn. Now we're stuck here for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!! Aragorn: But hey that means those bellydancers are stuck too!! Boromir: Aragorn we're serious. Aragorn: -Tell Gladdie and Caleb we just wanted to stop by and check out the Elvish bellydancers and we'll be on our way. Haldir: Very well- Aragorn: And we know that Dwarves may not look upon the path, so we are all willing to be blindfolded. Legolas: What are you talking about Aragorn? Haldir: Actually we don't care. Aragorn: Of course you do! Dwarves haven't been allowed in here for like ever! Haldir: I'm afraid you're thinking about the books. You see, this is the movie; all small details from the books are completely disregarded! In fact, we had 217 Dwarves over here the other day for a big Superbowl Party, so there's no tension here at all! We even have small urinals custom-made for Dwarves! Aragorn: OK OK fine whatever let's just go, I'm getting sick of this. Scene 3: Somewhere Else in Lorien... Haldir: And now, the moment you've been waiting for!!!! (Drum roll) From almost the beginning of time, standing 6'2" and 127 pounds!! Galadriel!!!(Fanfare played) Galadriel: Thank you, thank you-am I really that fat?? Haldir: ...Oh; and Celeborn. Celeborn: YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!(Silence) Aww c'mon I wasn't that bad was I?? Galadriel: We welcome you to Lothlorien and support your quest. However I am extremely pessimistic about it and basically tell everyone they're gonna die. Aragorn: Hello- Galadriel: Shut up!! I am talking!! ...We think blah blah blah blah(While she's talking she stares everyone down and basically tells them they're gonna die) blah blah blah blah blah! Do you agree? All: Uhh...yes. No?? Scene 4: Yet Another Place in Lorien... Boromir: Whoa that girl was freaky! Aragorn: I bet she told me the best thing!! Nah nah nah nah nah nah!! Legolas: She told me I was gonna die!! Merry and Pippin: She told us we were short!! Frodo: She said that people were going to try and ta-(menacing grin from Boromir)*gulp* she didn't tell me anything! Gimli: I think she digs me!! rrraarr! Aragorn: Aww man gross that's my girlfriend's grandma!! Gimli: Who cares? They're elves! Legolas: Hey you thought my sister was hot- Aragorn: Well that's another thing; grandma's are disgusting! Frodo: Speaking of grandma's: Aragorn you really need another shower. It's bothering me. Sam: I do too. Could someone help me? Aragorn: ...Help you?? Sam: Find the showers?? Aragorn: Sam you're gay. Sam: Am not!! Scene 5: Again, Lorien... (everyone's asleep) Galadriel: Psst! Frodo! Frodo: What? Galadriel: Follow me! Check this thing out! Frodo: Whoa...what is it? Galadriel: It's a mirror that you pour water into and it basically tells you that you're gonna die! Frodo: Let me see! Galadriel: Behold! (Various shots of things burning and other scenes that make the audience wonder if that will happen in the future, and it basically tells Frodo he's gonna die) Frodo: That was scary! Galadriel: NOT AS SCARY AS THIS!! IF I HAD THAT RING I WOULD BE A QUEEN AND RULE OVER YOU ALL BUT PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM AN ELF!!! Whew. glad I got that off my chest. Frodo: You really are insane aren't you? Galadriel: That dwarf called me an elf-witch, didn't he? Frodo: Well... Galadriel: -You tell him I think it's sexy. Frodo: Huh? Galadriel: Oh go back to bed you stupid crybaby. Scene 6: And Another Place in Lorien... Aragorn: Those bellydancers are even better the seventh time!! Frodo: Dangit! I missed them again because I was taking a shower! How were they, Sam? Sam: -I was watching you take a shower. (Pause) To make sure he didn't get hurt!! Is that ok with you?!! Aragorn: Sam...you are gay. There's no hiding it. Sam: Well I don't...umm...that's not very- Galadriel: Hark! Here I am to make your boring lives better! Sam: Whew. Galadriel: Since you are leaving, I'll give you presents! Aragorn: But that's not in the movie! Just the books!! haHA!! Galadriel: Yes but I'm giving them to you anyway. Aragorn: WHY CANT I GET THIS RIGHT JUST FOR ONCE!! I'M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF! Galadriel: Oh shut up! Sam, you take this seed, and plant it in the Shire. Sam: Umm Ma'am, I'm not the kind of person who plants the seeds, if you follow me... Galadriel: You mean you're not a gardener? Sam: Well I suppose you could say that, I enjoy the flowers, I just don't plant the seeds. Galadriel: I don't understand?(shows him gift) Sam: Ohhh! Ha ha! seed I get it! That's a good one! Whew! Galadriel: Meriadoc and Peregrin; you get these knives- Merry: Meriadoc and Peregrin? Pippin: Those are our names in the books... Merry: Oh yeah. Galadriel: Frodo, I give you this really bright starlight that seems of no use right now. Frodo: Starlight?? ...I may seem like a pansy, but that doesn't mean I want starlight and flowers and ponies!! I want a sword too! Galadriel: We ran out of swords, just take what you get and be happy!... Ahh, dwarf. What do you want from me? Gimli: You know what I want from you- Galadriel: (embarassed)I mean a gift! hehe Yes a gift. What could I give to you? Gimli: A life-sized manakin? Galadriel: How ‘bout some of my hair? Gimli: Whatever. Galadriel: And to the entire Fellowship, I give a buttload of Lembas! Sam: Not more Lembas!! Galadriel: You already have Lembas? Sam: Yes, from Rivendell. Galadriel: Oh, well our Lembas is better. Theirs is Lembas Lite. We have the good fattening Lembas! Plus our flavor is chocolate. Sam: Chocolate Lembas!! Willikers!! Aragorn: Sam you're gay. Galadriel: Now go! We don't want this Ring longer than we have to! Scene 7: Isengard... Saruman: The first Uruk to catch a Hobbit gets a free mudbath! Uruks: YYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHH!! Saruman: And no eating the Halflings!! I want them alive to have my way with...but not the way you think!! Man this script is loaded with sex jokes... Scene 8: Lots of Uruk-Hai Running Like Crazy Screaming "MUDBATH, MUDBATH"... Scene 9: Amon Hen... Gimli: I can't believe I got hair...hair! How am I supposed to have fun with hair?! Aragorn: Gimli!...I'm trying to concentrate. Sam: Where's Frodo? Where's Boromir? Where's my chocolate Lembas?! Scene 10: Frodo, Boromir, and the Chocolate Lembas... Boromir: What are you doing out here? Frodo: What are you doing out here? Boromir: Wanting to know what you're doing out here. Frodo: I'm gathering firewood....for fire. Boromir: You shouldn't be alone, we never know if there's anyone else around. Frodo: Usually Sam does a good job of never leaving me alone, even when I'm sleeping, or dressing, or undressing...or showering... Boromir: JUST GIVE ME THE STUPID RING YOU LITTLE HOBBIT!! Frodo: Galadriel told me about you!! Boromir: I just want to do good with it! Frodo: NOOO!!! (Frodo falls down and puts on Ring) Boromir: Where the heck are you? You're taking it to Mordor! I know what you're doing!! You will betray us all!! CURSE THE HALFLINGS!! Frodo: I'm right behind you Boromir. Boromir: Oh Frodo I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Please take the Ring off! (But he is too late; Frodo is running away DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH) Frodo: Galadriel was right. Everyone is trying to get me! I hafta do this alone! (He takes off the ring) Aragorn: Hey Frodo. Frodo: AAHHH! Aragorn: What? Frodo: You're going to take the Ring!!! Aragorn: No! I'm a good guy! I'm the King!! Well...not yet. Frodo: Well I'm leaving...alone...by myself...so tell Sam; he was always fond of me- Aragorn: That's because he's gay. (Frodo Leaves) Scene 11: A LOT of Awesome Fighting and Crap Because the Uruk-Hai Find Them All... (Merry and Pippin are cornered by Uruk Hai and then Boromir comes charging in) Boromir: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (An Uruk-Hai named Lurtz shoots him with and arrow, and another, and another, and then almost another if Aragorn hadn't busted in!!) Aragorn: You know, you're not in the books, so I'm takin you out!! Lurtz: That's the cheesiest dialogue I've heard so far. (Big fight; Lurtz gets beheaded, Aragorn goes to Boromir) Aragorn: *Gasp* are you HURT?! Boromir: No I just have three arrows piercing me, I think I'll manage. Oh what's the use? I'm just jealous because you could be King and I can't. I'm sorry I called you a skank-faced bottom wiper *sniff* although, you do need another shower... Aragorn: Already?? Boromir: ...Yeah. Remember I am with you always: my brother, my captain...my math tutor, and my insurance agent...what do they all have in common? Aragorn: They're not me? Boromir: Exactly. But you are my King...well, not yet anway. (Boromir Dies) (Merry and Pippin taken by happy Uruk's expecting their mudbath) Scene 12: Frodo at the Banks of the Anduin... Frodo: I wish this ring had never come to me...I wish I never had to do this at all! Gandalf: ... Well if you didn't have it someone else would and they'd probably think the same thing so there's no use crying about it! Frodo: (looks around) Gandalf?!?! Gandalf: No, Frodo...this is just a flashback...but go on and quit crying about the Ring! Frodo: I guess you're right! (gets in boat and starts to paddle) Sam: FROODDDOOOO!!! Frodo: Sam go away! Sam: No I can't!! I must now drown myself trying to save you!! Frodo: (Pulls Sam out) What's your deal, man? Sam: Gandalf said ‘don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee'; and I don't mean to! Frodo: Yes but Gandalf also said that when he smokes Old Toby little yellow woodchucks fly all around him and everyone looks like Sammy Davis Jr. Sam: Well...I couldn't bear to leave you! Frodo: Sam please don't tell me you're gay. Scene 13: Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn... Legolas: Look! There's Frodo and Sam!! ...Are we not following them or something?? Aragorn: No I just don't know how to operate a canoe. Gimli: Then it is all useless!! Aragorn: No; we're following Merry and Pippin now. Gimli: Then Let's Hunt Some Orc!! Lurtz's Head: I was wrong...THAT'S the cheesiest dialogue in the film!! Scene 14: Frodo and Sam overlooking Mordor... Frodo: I hope the others are ok... Sam: They're probably dead- Frodo: What?? Sam: Uhh I mean Strider'll look after them. Frodo: Sam... Sam: What?? Frodo: I'm glad you're with me. Sam: Does this mean!!?- Frodo: No, Sam. It means we're friends...and stop grabbing my butt! Sam: As you wish. Epilogue: Sam continued his studies in astrophysics and received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1982, for his cheese flavored lembas that stopped the war between the north armies because "it's so darn good!!". Frodo has three children and is happily living in Las Vegas. Boromir had a shrine built to him at Amon Hen. Ozzy Osbourne later took a whiz on it. Aragorn became King until he lowered the legal drinking age to twelve and remained showerless for three months. Arwen cried. And cried. And cried. Merry and Pippin were eaten by Orcs. Legolas was killed in a tragic soap accident. Gimli moved into Moria and became known as "Dwarfmaster G". Elrond was institutionalized. Gandalf married the Balrog and is currently living on the mountain Zirakzigil. Galadriel and Celeborn opened up a McLembas franchise. Haldir needs to get out more. Bilbo became a world-famous magician and changed his name to "The great Bilboni". Saruman and Sauron decided evil was boring and joined a sewing circle.
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