Parodies Etc.> Parodies: FOTR > Revised Lord of the Rings: FOTR part 2
A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
by OlorintheWhite
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Manuscript Part Two(*Gasp!*)
Scene 1: The Council of Elrond...
(Everyone's sitting in a big circle thing)
Elrond: We are gathered here to talk about this ring that does terrible things and says terrible stuff and attracts terrible people; like yourselves!!(Elrond laughs hysterically with no reply from the council) Attracts terrible people?...ya know...like...yourselves?? To the council?? (Pause)
Ahh yes, well. So what is to be done?
Boromir: Let Us Use It!
Gimli: Let Us Destroy It!
Legolas: Let Us Cast It Off!
Strider: Let's Give it to Tom Bombadil!
(Pause)
Ahh dangit I never get it right.
Boromir: You are a stupid skank-faced bottom wiper!
Legolas: He is no mere skank! He is Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Son of Aerosol. I am trying to seem important!
Boromir: Why is this significant?
Legolas: Because he could take your daddy's job.
(Gasp)
Boromir: Yeah well your dad...is...an elf!
(Another Gasp)
Elrond: ENOUGH!!!!! This ring was created by Sauron and it has some pretty weird markings-
Gandalf: ASH NAZGK GRIMBACHKNAZ NAZCHK-
Frodo: Oh My!! Is that the Black Speech of Mordor, Gandalf?!?!
Gandalf: No I've had a big loogie in my throat ever since I got back from Isengard.
Elrond: Tell us the tale Gandalf.
Gandalf: Of my loogie?
Elrond: Uhh...no, of Saruman.
Gandalf: Saruman is bad...way bad. Like Cruella De Vil bad...fingernails and all...sharp fingernails...that puncture the skin...fingernails...
Elrond: Gandalf?
Gandalf: Oh, um: I went to him to tell him about the ring and he tried to convince me to take it and we started break-dance fighting and then I got stuck on top of Orthanc. But it was ok cuz I talked to a moth and told him to find an eagle to take me back here.
Aragorn: Wait wait wait let me get this straight: You talked to a moth to tell an eagle to come find you.
Gandalf: Yes.
Aragorn: I don't think I'm in the right movie-
Council: SSSSHHH!
Gimli: Here let me make a fool of myself by trying to smash the Ring!!....ouch.
Elrond: Oh yeah I forgot: We can't get rid of it unless we take it to the place Sauron made it.
Gandalf: So let's do that.
Elrond: You wanna take it??
Gandalf: well...no.
Elrond: That's what I thought.
Boromir: Mordor is where it was made. There is evil there...that does not sleep. It parties into the wee hours of the night to polka music playing canasta and reaks of Cheese Puffs and Dill dip!! The most horrible stench imagineable; the very air you breathe is a poisonous mixture of the two.
Legolas: Wow. Sounds like fun.
Gimli: NO! Don't give it to the elf! Elves are stupid pointy-eared pansies!! Never trust an elf!! Elves are the reason we have this stupid thing! Elves can't commit to a relationship because "they're immortal and it just gets boring!!"
Legolas: No one said they'd give me the Ring!! And I thought we both agreed about that immortal thing!
(The entire council breaks out into argument for a minute or two; finally Frodo speaks up)
Frodo: I'll take it!
Elrond: Shut up you stupid hobbit-
Frodo: I'm serious!
(argument continues)
I HAVE THE RING, AND IF YOU ALL DON'T SHUT UP I'M GONNA PUT IT ON AND ZAP Y'ALL DEAD OR SOMETHIN!!
(argument stops)
Elrond: I guess no one else wants to do it.
Council: Nope.
Elrond: Sure kid, whatever.
Frodo: Awesome!!
Elrond: You won't be sayin awesome when you turn out like old "uncle" Bilbo.
Frodo: Cousin-
Elrond: Whatever.
Gandalf: Well it looks like we have no choice. I will come and make sure he's tall enough to throw it in.
Boromir: I will come and try to change their minds.
Gimli: I am a dwarf!!
Aragorn: I'm taking a shower!
Council: YYAAAAYY!!!
Legolas: And I guess I'll come so I can be the most prettyful.
Arwen: I wanna come!! Ary baby can I come too?!
Aragorn: No.
Arwen: Ugh! Why? Don't you LOVE ME?!?!
Elrond: Arwen; there comes a time in every man's life where he needs to be in a fellowship with other people to destroy a weapon of mass destruction such as this ring, and those people need to be men, not women.
Arwen: But why?!?!
Elrond:....because it's in the books.
Arwen:....WWWAAAAAHHHHH!! [Exit Arwen(Very hysterically)]
(Sam, Merry, and Pippin pop out of the bushes)
Sam: Hey! We wanna come!!
Pippin: We're probably making a huge mistake, but we don't care!!
Merry: Yeah! We're hobbits!
Sam: We do get food, right??
Elrond: Yes, Lembas. The finest leaf-crackers east of the west.
Sam: Do we get mustard to go with them leaf-crackers?
Elrond: Shut up and leave already I don't want this stupid ring here!
(As they leave various things are being shouted by the elves and other patrons, such as "have a safe trip" and "hope you don't screw up" and "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE", from a dazed Elrond)
Scene 2: Along the Misty Mountains...
Aragorn: So does anyone have a clue as to where we're going?
Sam: Mt. Doom?
Aragorn: No I mean what path we're taking here.
Gimli: Let us go through the Mines of Moria!
Legolas: Let us shut the heck up!
Gimli: Lembas muncher!
Legolas: Mine Mongrel!
Gimli: Fairy!
Legolas: Gnome!
Gimli: You can hardly tell your women apart from your men!
Legolas: Well at least our women don't have beards!
Gimli: *GASP* Take that back!
(Legolas sticks his tongue out)
Gandalf: Gimli I would not pass through the Mines of Moria; even if you gave me five bucks.
Gimli: Ten bucks says we go anyway! HA! You can't avoid it! It's in the books!
Gandalf: Don't we have any choices?
Boromir: We could go through the Gap of Rohan!
Aragorn: No, Saruman would find us and then we'd be in deep.
Gandalf: Let us go up that impossibly snowy mountain!!
Gimli: Oh come on! You know we'll never make it-
Gandalf: I'd rather not!
Gimli: Save everyone some time and cut a good ten minutes out of the movie!
Gandalf: No! We must try.
Gimli: ...How ‘bout I just meet ya in the mines?-
Gandalf: NO!
Legolas: Shut up Dwarf! Why don't you just get going and start singing that "Heigh-Ho" song your people like so much?
Gimli: I suppose you don't mind snow, elf, because all your kind are working at the North Pole!
Scene 3: Caradhras(The mountain)...
Gandalf: Man this was a bad idea....
Gimli: I told you!
Legolas: Saruman is cursing the mountain!
Frodo: Can't you do something Gandalf?
Gandalf: Not really. White powers cancel out grey in the High Order of Wizards unless there is a 2/3 majority vote. And since I received a fine for Chanting Under the Influence I've had no magical ability whatsoever, which is why I display next to NONE in the film.
Gimli: I want my ten bucks Wizard man!
Gandalf: Oh quit your buggering! We'll go to the blasted mines!
Scene 4: Outside the Mines...
Gandalf: Well, here we are.
Frodo: Where's the entrance?
Gandalf: It is only visible by sunlight, starlight, moonlight, and flashlight; the latter I happen to have in my pocket.
(Door appears on side of mountain)
Gandalf: These are the doors of Durin. They say speak, friend, and enter...
(While Gandalf is talking)
Merry: Pippin, are you getting tired of us being reduced to comic relief?
Pippin: Yeah; what's your point?
Merry: Well...maybe if we do something really stupid, we won't hafta say funny things anymore to impress people; we could just be increduously dumb.
Pippin: I have an idea! Let's throw rocks at that big sea monster over there!
Merry: Just what I was thinking!...
Gandalf: This isn't working. I don't understand....speak, friend, and enter.
Frodo: No no no! You're getting the punctuation all wrong! It's "Speak ‘friend' and enter."
Gandalf: So I say ‘friend' and it opens?
Frodo: Sure!
Gandalf: How did you get to be so smart?!
Frodo: I read the book. The word is...well, we better get ready to run because that sea monster's gonna attack as soon as we say mellon.
Gandalf: What sea monster-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
(Fight with giant squid-looking octopus-type shark-thing; dangerously silly)
Scene 5: Inside the Mines...
Gandalf: Great.
Legolas: Dwarves are numbskulls.
Gimli: Oh yeah!?...Well...Elves are airheads!
Legolas: Do you always have to counter my insults with even more stereotypes?
Gimli:Do you ALWAYS have to counter my insults with even MORE stereotypes?
Legolas: Ok now you're just mocking me!
Gimli: Ok now you're just mocking me!!
Legolas: Gandalf! Stop him!
Gimli: Gandalf!! Stop him!!
Boromir: Shut up!!!
Legolas: Hmpfh! I wanna go home!
Gandalf: We now have no choice. There is no way back.
Gimli: We never had a choice-
Gandalf: Shut up Gimli. I'm glad I brought a flaslight attachment for my staff, or we'd all be screwed.
(Very long pause)
Frodo: Why is no one else saying anything?
Gandalf: Because no one else has dialogue in the movie for a half hour.
Frodo: Wow.
Gandalf: Yep. Just you and me talking.
Frodo: I wish this ring had never come to me-
Gandalf: Quit your crying you were the one that wanted to take it so bad.
Frodo: Yes, but look at that guy!
(points to Gollum)
He had the ring and now he looks like a demented smurf!
Gandalf: Well if you didn't have it someone else would and they'd probably think the same thing so there's no use crying about it!
Frodo: ...Wow! Gandalf, that was brilliant! Your words of wisdom pass all depths of knowledge and understanding, and will surely aid me on my quest...
Gandalf: Whatever shuts you up.
Scene 6: Somewhere Else Inside the Mines...
Gandalf: BEHOLD!!! The halls of Dwarrowdelf!
Legolas: Whoozawhat?
Boromir: Gesundheit.
Gimli: My cousin Balin should be around here somewhere. Although I haven't really gotten any Birthday Cards from him in the past 50 years...wonder what happened to him??
Legolas: Fifty years is nothing to me.
Pippin: But, in the movie, all the fangirls think you're twenty-three, when you're really like twenty-three hundred.
Legolas: How dare they!
Boromir:Whoa look it's a big slab of concrete in the middle of a big room with a big hole in the back.
Sam: Well I sure am glad we have Captain Obvious in our fellowship here.
Gandalf: It says "Here lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of-"
Merry: THE RINGS?!?!?!?!
Gandalf: No! Moria, you nitwit.
Gimli: Balin's dead?!?! Why didn't I get Grandma's Hutch?! He said he would give it to me?! This is awful; no one is here anymore!! OOAAWAWAH!!!
Sam: ...you mean we don't get FOOD?!?!? WWWWAAAAAHHHH
Boromir: People are crying!! WWAAAHHH!!!
Gandalf: SHUT UP EVERYONE!!!! This book could give us a clue.
Hmm... "Dwarvish for Dummies"... "101 Ways to Grill a Goblin"... "You Stroke My Axe and I'l-" whoa I'm not readin that one. Ah here; "Balin's secret Diary: XOXOXO." This is how it reads...
Day 1: I got this spiffy diary for my birthday!! I'm so happy :)
Day 2: Oh man I think I ate too much bean dip at my party last night. But it was a great party- OMG you should have seen what Gloin wore! He was like, a TOTAL freak show!! I mean, get serious!-
Aragorn: Skip ahead, Gandalf...
Gandalf: Oh uhh sure.
Day 342: Are those....goblins??
Day 363: Yep. They were goblins. Everyone's dead. The bean dip is gone. My lip gloss supply is depleted. Ugh! I think I just broke a nail!
Day 1,033: I can't believe they haven't found me yet.
Day: 1,035: They found me.
Gandalf: That is the end of the account.
Frodo: Creepy.
Pippin: Whoa look at this skeleton! (CRASH BANG BOOM FIZZLE) Uhh nevermind.
Gandalf: Stupid fool of a Took!
Merry: Good job Pippin! You got some attention!
Aragorn: Where should we go now?
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!! RRRRRUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
(They all run; in the background "Gonna Fly Now" from the Rocky Soundtrack is playing)
(They run, and run.....and run. Oh and they jump, too. And then they run some more)
(They stop, the Goblins run away)
Aragorn: Allright!
Gandalf: No...not alright.
(Huge flames come from the end of the hall)
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: He's an old flame...I swear he'll be the death of me.
Aragorn: Ya know Gandalf that whole two jokes in one sentence thing isn't working out for you.
Gandalf: He's a Balrog...and if you all knew half as much as I did about him then we'd know more than half about it than half the population!
Merry: Wasn't that joke supposed to be at the beginning?
Aragorn: It's just been hit-and-miss for you Gandalf, I suggest you keep the jokes to a minimum.
Gandalf: Well I hope you know more about humor than you do about hygiene!
Boromir: Haha!! That was a good one!
Pippin: I don't mean to interrupt anything, but that huge fire monster's coming towards us!
Frodo: So we should run??
Gandalf: Yeah.
(They run)
(They get to the bridge; they all cross it except for Gandalf)
Gandalf: You should reconsider attempting to cross this bridge!!
Aragorn: Ahh dang he's forgot his lines...
Gandalf: My name is Gandalf!...I...am a....Wizard!!...and I have a super-bright FLASHLIGHT ATTACHMENT!!
Balrog: RRAAAAARRRR!!
Gandalf: If...you don't...uhh...stop!.... I'll....hurt you!!
Balrog: RRRRAARRR!!
Gandalf: Uhh....HIIYYYAAAAHH!!
Balrog: *Scoff* Look your lines are "You shall not pass", and all that mumbo jumbo about the secret fire, ok?! It's not that complicated, it's elementary stuff!!
Gandalf: Oh yeah, sorry.
Balrog: I can't work with this!! Bad actors, bad visual effects, and the sets are faulty as-
(Bridge Crumbles and both Gandalf and Balrog fall)
I told you sooooooooooo...*Boom*
Aragorn: Ya know we lose more wizards that way...
Frodo: GGGAAANNNDDAAALLLFF!!!! NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sam: Oh give it a rest Mr Frodo he comes back in the next movie.
Frodo: Yeah but he actually knew where we were going!!
Legolas: Good point.
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