Scene 1: The Shire...aka an Allergist's nightmare......
(Frodo Baggins reading; interrupted by Gandalf the Grey entering town)
Frodo: You're late.
Gandalf: Wizards are senile, never late.
Frodo: I don't understand.
Gandalf: Well then I'll just start laughing. Hahahahahaha
Frodo: Hahahahahaha
Gandalf: So how's your uncle Bilbo?
Frodo: Well technically, he's my third cousin twice removed on my father's side...
Gandalf: He's probably your grandmother too for all you Hobbits care about incest.
Frodo: I still don't understand.

Scene 2: Bilbo's House...
(Gandalf knocks on door)
Bilbo: I'm not interested in anything you're selling...
Gandalf: What about very old friends?
Bilbo:(pause)(while opening door) I don't think that made any sen- Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo!
Bilbo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo!
Frodo: What's going on?!
Bilbo: Shut up you're not in this scene.
Frodo: Oh yeah.
Bilbo: Come in!! Nose around in my things while I go get you some food!
Gandalf: No thanks, I'm on Weight Watchers.
Bilbo: Well I hope you don't mind if I stuff my face .
Gandalf: I suppose not. So how's the big party coming?
Bilbo: Party?
Gandalf: You are 111 today aren't you?
Bilbo:Yes, but I never knew about a party.
Gandalf: (realizing it was a surprise) uhh did I say party?
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: Uhhh So...how are...things?
Bilbo: I'm tired, Gandalf; like butter scraped over too much bread.
Gandalf: Don't you mean thin like butter scraped over too much bread?
Bilbo: Whatever...the point is, I think I'm going to take a vacation...forever. Checking out, moving on, making reservations...at Rivendell Suites.
(Sigh of relief from Gandalf)
Gandalf: You know Frodo looks up to you.
Frodo: Is that my cue?
Bilbo:No!...Well I suppose I could stay for my birthday party before I leave, as a “farewell to the Shire”...and Frodo.
Gandalf: Uhhhh...what party? You're not having a party?

Scene 3: Bilbo's Party....
(a lot of hubbub and very silly dancing before Bilbo's big speech)
Bilbo: My dear Bagginses, Boffins, Tooks, Brandybucks, Fizzpuffers, Mangowaggers, Dribbledrousers, and Tinkletooths-
Old man: Tinkleteeth!
Everyone: Hahahahahaha
Bilbo: I'm 111, and I really like you all and stuff, but it's really quite boring around here, so uhh, I'm...leaving (disappears)
Crowd: (silence)..........YAAAAYYYY!!!!!

Scene 4: Bilbo's house...(again)
Gandalf: I suppose you think that was funny?
Bilbo: Who cares? Keeps me away from those freaks.
Gandalf: How did you do it?
Bilbo: Duh? don't you remember that ring I got on our little adventure?
Gandalf: (embarassed) Bilbo I thought we agreed not to talk about that one...
Bilbo: No, no! The one with all those money-grubbing little dwarves!
Gandalf: (clears throat) Oh...umm...yes of course. You still have that??
Bilbo: Why do you care?!?!
Gandalf: Just wondering man-
Bilbo: Well if I want to keep it that's my business not yours it's mine it came to me it's my precious if I want to build shrines and make sacrifices to it it's my business not yours MUAH HAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!
Gandalf: Bilbo, you're freakin me out.
Bilbo: Sorry, it has that effect on me. But it beats Old Toby any day!
Gandalf: Let me have a go...
Bilbo: RRRAARAR!!
Gandalf: Whoa maybe I shouldn't.
Bilbo: I have to leave anyway, or I'll miss the Elvish belly dancers in from Mirkwood.
Gandalf: Oh that's right you're staying in Rivendell.
Bilbo: Give the ring to Frodo; I suppose it has too strong of a hold on me; plus if I kept it it would ruin the plot.
Gandalf: ok. Have fun on your trip!
Frodo: Did someone say...Frodo?! Hey where's Bilbo?
Gandalf: He left.
Frodo: He talked about it for ages.
Gandalf: He left you his magic ring...and all his stuff.
Frodo: House partay!!!
Gandalf: Uhh yeah sure just NO USING THE RING. Bilbo called it his precious, and it freaks me out.
Frodo: aww ok.
Gandalf: Keep it secret, keep it safe.

Scene 5: Gondor...Gandalf reading info on the ring...
Gandalf: CRAP THIS IS ONE BAD RING!!

Scene 6: Bilbo's House(yes I know this is the third time but quit your buggering it's the last)
(Frodo enters)
(Gandalf grabs him from behind)
Gandalf: Is it secret?!?!?! Is it SAFE?!?!!!
Frodo: AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Gandalf starts laughing)
Gandalf: You shoulda seen your face!!! But seriously where is it?
Frodo: Why?
Gandalf : I wanna do a little experiment...
Frodo: Uhh here I think this is it...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Gandalf: Well by tossing this ring into the fire I can tell if it is the One Ring.
Frodo: How?
Gandalf: You can figure that out...here take it.
Frodo: OWW IT'S HOT!!
Gandalf: It shouldn't be?!?!
Frodo: Psyche! Haha got you back. Whoa what's it doing? Hey this writing looks like something I saw on the wall at the subway once...
Gandalf: The language is that of Mordor; and we're all screwed.
Frodo: I want my mommy! Why are we screwed??
Gandalf: Because this ring belonged to Sauron.
Frodo: Sweet!
Gandalf: He created it in the depths of Mt. Doom to rule over the world and poured his life force into it so that if he gets it back he will take physical form and wreak havoc and chaos unto the ends of the earth.
Frodo: Ok so it's not sweet.
Gandalf: Nope.
Frodo: What do I have to do with it?
Gandalf: Good question. Umm, take it to a bar full of drunk old men on the outskirts of the Shire; that's a smart move.
Frodo: ok
Gandalf: Meet ya there!
Frodo: Not if I beat you to it!
(rustling in bushes outside of window)
Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee! I didn't hire you to trim the hedges...
Sam: I heard raised voices-
Gandalf: What did you hear?
Sam: Well nothing actually I just heard raised voices.
Gandalf: Then you must accompany Frodo bearing the most evil object ever created past Sauron's thousands of minions...with limited food and drink!!!!
Sam: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Scene 7: The fields of the Shire...
Gandalf: This ring is bad, Sauron is bad, and his servants are bad...got that?
Frodo: I didn't catch the part about the mattress springs and the rubber duckie.
Gandalf: Well I hafta go.
Frodo: What??!?
Gandalf: I hafta go ask another wizard what I should do.
Frodo: What you should do??!?! I know what you should do!! You should STAY HERE and come with us!! This is crazy!!!
Sam: More food for us, Mr Frodo-
Frodo: So long, Gandalf!

Scene 8: Farmer Maggot's fields...
Sam: FRODO!! FRODO!! Willikers, I've lost him!!
Frodo: I'm right behind you Sam. And don't say Willikers ever again..
(They get knocked over by Merry and Pippin, who have previously been unintroduced; hey, it's my revision, I'll do what I want!)
Merry: Look Pippin; it's Frodo!
Pippin: Ahh yes Frodo, my mother's father's sister's cousin's fourth cousin twice removed.
Merry: Uhh yeah.
Frodo: What are you doing out here?
Pippin: Takin stuff. Uh oh! Here comes Farmer Maggot! Let's drop all this food we just collected and run!

Scene 9: Somewhere Else in the Shire...
Merry: So what brings you here?
Frodo: Didn't you know? Didn't you and Sam and Pippin form a secret conspiracy to discover my methods and then accompany me on my quest?
Pippin: This isn't the book; we hafta dumb it up and just make it look like we came along for fun. Whoa look ‘shrooms!
Frodo: ...Well then what happened to Fatty??
Sam: It's alright Mr. Frodo, calm down.
Frodo: Whoa it's a dude that's all in black!
Pippin: Should we hide?
Frodo: Sure!(they hide)
Merry: What was that?
Sam: I think it was that guy I owed money down at the Green Dragon.
Merry: okay we're not that stupid we know he's after that ring.
Frodo: What ring?
Merry: The one you're kinda wearing around your neck. It's pretty obvious.
Frodo: Well I guess that means you hafta come with us.

Scene 10: Orthanc, Gandalf riding to Saruman's Fortress...
Saruman: Just realized we're screwed?
Gandalf: Yeah I guess.
Saruman: Come inside.
Gandalf: It's been in the Shire the whole time.
Saruman: What has?
Gandalf: The Ring.
Saruman: Ring? Oh yeah that ring.
Gandalf: What do you think we should do?
Saruman: Umm......give it to me.
Gandalf: What?
Saruman:....give it to me.
Gandalf: Why?
Saruman: Because I said so.
Gandalf: You can't make me!
Saruman: Yes I can!
Gandalf: Can't!
Saruman: Can!
Gandalf: Can't
Saruman: CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN!!!
Gandalf: I'm telling MOM on you!!!
(An extremely silly break-dance fight; similar to Zoolander)

Scene 11: Bree...
Frodo: Well here we are.
Pippin: Wow this reminds me of an X-Files episode I once saw...
Merry: Shut up Pippin!
Sam: Foood!!!!!
Frodo: We must go inside!!
Merry: Inside what?
Frodo: I dunno. What smells the most like booze?
Sam: This one!
Frodo: Let's go.

Scene 12: The Prancing Pony...
Merry: I bet I can drink more than you Pippin!
Pippin: You're on!
Crowd: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Sam: That man in the corner's done nothing but stare at you.
Frodo: Getting jealous, Sam?
Barliman: Around here we call him Prancer.
Frodo: Hey did I ask you?
Barliman: Sorry.
Strider: So I suppose I've been introduced...oh and it's Strider! Not Prancer. I take offense to that. I'm here to help you.
Sam: He's a skank.
Strider: All rangers are supposed to look this way. It's our duty.
Frodo: How should we trust so skankly a person?
Strider: All that is gold does not glitter, not-...
Merry: Hey skankface this isn't the book shut yer piehole!
Pippin: Oh man I am wasted, and there's Frodo *hiccup* my cousin's mother...no my mother's cousin...uncle...brother-
Frodo: PIPPIN!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(Frodo's ring conveniently falls right around his index finger and he disappears, he crawls into a corner and takes it off and then is escorted upstairs)

Scene 13: Strider's Little Room Thing...
Strider: Take off your clothes!!
Frodo: AAAAHHHH!!! Well, ok.
Strider: Just kidding man!!
Frodo: Oh...I knew that...heh.
Strider: You must follow me.
Frodo: First take a shower.
(Door Opens)
Sam: I'll have you on shanks!
Strider: What the heck are shanks?
Frodo: This is no use.
Strider: Look I know you have the ring because I talked to Gandalf-
Pippin: Not in the movie...
Strider: I saw it when it fell on your finger...
Pippin: There we go.
Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: Yes.
Strider: Not as frightened as I!! Just look at my punctuation!!
Frodo: I can be just as scared as you!!!
Strider: Well I know what those black things are, so stay with me.
Frodo: Where's Gandalf?
Strider: Well he and I were searching for Gollum all over and-
Merry: Ah ah ah...
Strider: ...I dunno I guess we'll find out later.
Frodo: Where should we go now?
Strider: Rivendell.
Frodo: Why?
Strider: ...Elvish belly dancers in from Mirkwood.
Sam: Is there food there?
Strider: If you like crackers wrapped in leaves.

Scene 14: Weathertop...
Strider: This is the old watchtower of Amon Sul. Look it's a G rune! Gandalf must have...(Before Pippin corrects him)I mean, where the heck is Gandalf by now, anyway?
Frodo: Can we sleep? Walking is hard work with such big feet.
Sam: Yes master. And while you're asleep we'll all cook a big breakfast and see how far the smoke is visible.
(Shrill scream)
Pippin: Uh oh more black dudes!
Strider: Ringwraiths, you idiot.
Merry: I liked black dudes better-
Strider: But, it's not politically correct.
Sam: Hey who's watching Frodo?
Frodo: OACHWADFARKAT WAAAAHHHH!!!
Pippin: Hehe...whoops??
Strider: Ha!! Ringwraiths are afraid of two things...fire and shallow water! Take that!!
Sam: Is Frodo gonna be ok?
Strider: He was stabbed by a Morgul Blade, the deadliest weapon of all.
Merry: Why? Is it poisoned??
Strider: Worse. It dissolves, leaving no evidence.
Sam: Didn't OJ use one of those?
Frodo: Umm I don't mean to bother you but I'm kind of...dying...
Strider: Oh yeah here let me help you
(Suddenly knife gets pointed at his neck)
...ughck.
Arwen: Hey baby what's happenin?
Strider: Arwen! Good! Where's Glorfindel we need to get Frodo to-
Pippin: Uhh...Strider...
Strider:(Pause).......you mean SHE'S taking Frodo to Rivendell?
Arwen: Ugh! You are like so sexist! Daddy!! WAAAHHH!!!
Strider: This is ridiculous.
Frodo: Look! I can cry like a Ringwraith!! AEAOUIOAK!!
Arwen: Just let me take him.
Sam: Are you crazy? Those wraiths are still out there!!
Merry: They're always out there you moron.
Sam: I know, I've just always wanted to say something very dramatic!

Scene 15: Rivendell...
(Somehow the Ringwraiths couldn't catch Arwen)
Frodo: Where am I?
Gandalf: You are in the house of Elrond. It is October the 24th, Wednesday, 3:45, my birthday, the fourth day of Hanukkah, and National Dwarf Appreciation Day.
Frodo: House of Elrond would have been enough- Gandalf!
Gandalf: Frodo!
Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Frodo!
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell young hobbit-
Frodo: AAAHH IT'S AGENT SMITH!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Gandalf: You watch too much television.
Sam: Frodo you're alive!!
Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side!
Frodo: That's freaky.
Gandalf: Not as freaky as those Elvish belly dancers! Whew baby!
Frodo: Aww I missed those?
Elrond: Hey you're alive aren't you? We should celebrate!!
Sam: Good I'm hungry!

Top | Part 2