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Chapter 6: Seiging

The Art of Sieging is an acquired art. There's a fine line between Sieging and Utterly Destroying. Here, you will learn the finer aspects of Sieging.

To begin, Sieging is the continued bombardment of a location, such that to weaken, destroy, or otherwise render inoperable, the defensive matrix, or defensive operations protecting the location. This may include:


  • Gate crashing.
  • Catapulting stones.
  • Hurling cows.
  • Hurling heads of soldiers you've defeated previously.
  • Bashing holes in walls.
  • Bribing the gate guard to open the gate for you.


Sieging requires the use of very specialized equipment. You will be trained and expected to operate proficiently the following pieces of Siege Equipment used by the Clueless Urukhai:


  • Trebuchet/Standard Uruk Catapult: The trebuchet is an advanced catapult, using a free-weight counterweight. It is very powerful and has a wide effective range. The Standard Uruk Catapult uses a resistance launching system to hurl objects. The range is not as effective as a trebuchet, but it's a great support catapult in addition to the trebuchet. A wide range of objects can be hurled by these pieces of artillery. Cows and washing machines included.
  • Ballista: This piece of artillery shoots spears or giant arrows. Mostly used to send lines for wall ladders, the Ballista can be modified to hurl all manner of objects, except cows and washing machines.
  • The Grond: The most advanced Gate crasher in Middle Earth. Full GPs-capability, and Auto-Bashing functions. Includes full, automated control systems, and hyperdrive for intergalactic space travel, because you just never know where the Grond's service's will be needed.


You will be fully trained to operate all siege equipment.

Once you are properly trained, you will then be assigned to the appropriate Siege division if you selected Siege Machinery deaprtment as your primary work department.

Just as in Pillaging, Sieging requires Planning. To avoid confusing Uruks with too much reading, Please refer to Chapter 5, Steps 1-6. Replace every instance of "Pillage" with the word "Siege/Sieging." We will continue with Step 7 here.

Steps 1-6: See chapter 5 and the instruction in the above paragraph.

Step 7: Mobilize siege equipment. Assemble all required equipment and forces. Put the Trebuchet together BEFORE leaving, not when you get to the location!

Step 8. Mobilize ammunition. You have to gather stones, cows, heads from defeated soldiers, and what have you BEFORE going to the location. The catapults aren't much good without ammo. Remember, the larger the item hurled, the more effective it is.

Step 9: Review your trigonmetric and geometric theorems and laws regarding first-order parabolic graphically reresented systems, as well as physical force interactions, friction co-efficients, advanced fluid dynamics and air resistance co-efficients and modeling of second order parabolic (linear and non-linear curvature path construction) systems.

Step 10: Execute the Siege. Transport siege equipment under guard to the location.

Step 11: Operate the Siege Equipment. Bombard the location. Use the Grond to infiltrate the gate protection systems defending the location.

Step 12: Call a pillage if the Siege is successful. Otherwise, run like heck!

Important notes and information:

  • When Sieging, you DO NOT enter the location. That is what Pillaging is for.
  • Coordinate your equipment accordingly. Don't expect a toothpick to bash down a gate! Don't expect the Grond to hurl a cow for you!
    Pillaging and sieging go hand-in-hand. Coordinate accordingly.
  • Do NOT use the Inter-continental Ballistic missile for this purpose. If you've already used the ICBM, and are reading this section for help, please see the chapter titled, "Buckethead."
  • Under no circumstance are you to hurl a phone booth, a rug, a set of car keys, a coin, a dog, a salt shaker, a pancake, a DVD, a cellphone, a banana peel or an empty cardboard box with your siege equipment. You will cause un-necessary injury by hurling these objects, and you may void the warranty on your equipment if you damage your equipment hurling these objects.



Chapter 7: Prisoner Interaction


So you finally caught a prisoner? Well done! In this chapter, we will learn how to interact with prisoners.

To begin with, all prisoners must be treated humanely and not cruelly treated or abused. You must place prisoners in a reasonable environment. you can not use a prisoner as a guinea pig, but if you do have a giant hamster wheel, you are allowed to have prisoners run in the giant hamster wheel so you can produce a limited amount of electricity to power say, a lightbulb, or even a laptop computer for 15 minutes. (Laptop requires an additional Hamster Wheel connector, sold separately).

You must clothe prisoners to an extent. Stealing the prisoner's clothes isn't outside the realm of possibility. If you do take the prisoners clothes, replace them with something else (duct tape, aluminum foil, a bedsheet, or even a car tire works).

Provide the prisoner with basic necessities: toilet facility, water, food and the like. If you have jobs that need to be done, but are too lazy to do them yourself, you may have the prisoner do the jobs for you. No slave labor or prisoner labor abuse is permitted!

Interacting with your prisoner.

Prisoner interaction is important. You can learn all sorts of things from your prisoners. Including the curse words of every (or what seems like every) foreign lanuage you can imagine. (This is more handy than you think. Overseer making you mad? Just curse at him in a foreign language!)

Keep the following in mind wehn interacting with prisoners:

  • Avoid shouting at prisoners. If they appear to not be hearing you, either the prisoner is deaf, or you're ignoring what he's saying.
  • If a prisoner tells you something worthwhile, (like the football game score, a password to a smutty site, or a code to something) refrain from abusing the prisoner, but rather, reward the prisoner with something.
  • NEVER assume that prisoners are dumb. You're dumber then they are most likely. Trust us on this one. (We're not the Clueless Urukhai for nothing, you know!)
  • Keep in mind that prisoners will not answer questions under duress or threat.
  • Stop threatening prisoners if the above is true.
  • If you're on a tight food budget, get food that the prisoner won't eat.
  • But get at least one thing the prisoner will eat so you don't starve him to death.
  • NEVER give a prisoner a book. He'll hit you on the head with it if he gets a chance. And well be darned those headaches cause too much lost time from work.
  • ALWAYS ask the prisoner about his dog, his kids and his plants. For some reason, asking these questions garners more info from the prisoner than you think.
  • If the prisoner has a sweet ride, go steal it.
  • If the prisoner is rich, go steal his money.
  • If the prisoner owns a helicopter, go steal it, then use it to drop stuff on people.
  • Keep your tone of voice friendly when asking the prisoner stupid questions.
  • ALWAYS offer a way out for the prisoner: either have the prisoner give you all his money, or threaten to kill him then and there. (Either choice gets the prisoner out of the prison if you think about it).
  • If you learn the prisoners on-line handles and passwords, go wreak some on-line havoc.
  • NEVER assume that you know everything there is to know about a prisoner. You will be surprised what you can learn if you ask the right questions at the right time.


Once you establish a healthy relationship with a prisoner, you can take advantage of the prisoner to learn inside details about certain things. But be careful. Don't push your luck! Keep in mind that the more relaxed the prisoner is, the more willing he or she will be to giving you information or even free stuff! (well, the free stuff part is kind of a long shot, but if you do find out about stuff you want, you can always execute a Siege and/or a Pillage to get what you want. See appropriate chapters regarding Sieging and Pillaging.)

Most important: keep your prisoner comfortable and decently fed and watered. Prisoners need sun-light for at least 2 hours, so allow at least 2 hours of outdoor recreation. If the prisoner is in the work-detail program, allow sufficient breaks so the prisoner does not suffer from exhaustion or injury.

If the prisoner is clueless, consider inducting him or her into the active work departments as needed (based on current labor, productivity and personnel requirements and goals for each department at the current time).

Remember, a happy prisoner is a well behaved prisoner!

Chapter 8: Interrogation Technique

Asking the right question at the the right time can garner some rather surprising results. This chapter will highlight the best ways toi interrogate prisoners or just ask questions in general.

Interrogation need not be boring, long or drawn out. There is always a faster way to get your answers. The problem is, that faster method usually results in you not getting your answers. (Uruks are known to let sword and arrows slip when they get frustrated).

Prisoners are almost always unwilling to answer questions. It's a given fact of life.

To effectively facilitate - whoops... can't use big words here.. Ummm... scratch that last sentence.

Asking questions the right way will get you the best answers. Keep the following in mind when asking questions:


  • Your tone of voice will dictate the success of your questioning to a degree. Use a pleasant, nice tone.
  • DO NOT curse the prisoner out if he doesn't know an answer. Just skip that question and ask it later on.
  • Don't ask impossible to answer questions, either. Trying get the Nth- term of a polynomial based summation series where the I-range is all postive 3rd degree integers just won't happen. Trust us.
  • Offer the prisoner something in return. Make it reasonable and fair.
  • If you're desparate for an answer, and the prisoner won't give it, DO NOT KILL the prisoner!
  • Get the prisoner's parents or in-laws in on the deal if they still won't answer.
  • If you know the answer to the question already, don't waste time asking it.
  • Or you can ask the question anyway just for the heck of it.
  • Food is a good motivator.
  • Ask questions from 9-11AM or 2-4PM. Those are the best hours for asking questions.
  • Never ask questions after feeding prisoners turkey. More than likely, they'll be asleep by the time you decide to ask questions.
  • Never feed prisoners sugar before questioning. They'll be flying off the walls, and stuttering too much otherwise.
  • Hitting prisoners with anything harder than foam usually garners (whoops - another big word) results in negative results.
  • Bribery works to an extent.
  • When all else fails, execute a Siege/Pillage.
  • When possible, do the interogation in a cool, dry, comfortable place.
  • Never assume that you've seen or heard everything. The second you do, something else always comes along.


Also remember to plan the questioning session carefully:

  • Think about what information you're trying to get.
  • Think of ways to entice the prisoner to give you that information.
  • Always remember that the prisoner's spouse/inlaws can work wonders.
  • The location of the interogation may place a role in the success of the questioning.


Just remember that careful planning and attitude will garner good results and minimize the difficulties for the prisoner.




Chapter 9: Torture Technique


An integral part of working with the Clueless Urukhai is the art of Torture. Torture can take many forms: starvation, deprivation of something, over-exposure to something else, or being given swirlies all the time. When working with the clueless urukhai, you're expected to know basic Torture technique and form.

Basic Torture
Basic Torture is usually causing some small amount of pain, or discomfort. Usually achieved by pinching, squeezing or hitting.

Good Torture
Good Torture is torture that causes large amounts of pain, and usually results in some sort of non-fatal injury to the prisoner. This is the typical level of torture used by the clueless urukhai.

Killer Torture
Killer Torture takes the fun out of torture, since it usually kills the prisoner. This method is rarely used, but when it's used, it essentially... ummmmm... kills the prisoner. Which effectively defeats the purpose of torture in the first place.

Instruments of Torture
Many instruments of torture exist: racks, gallows, stretchy things that makes prisoners taller, whips, nuclear missiles, bowling balls and gravity, you name it, it's an instrument of torture. (The only exceptions to this rule are sheep and stuff animals. They're to darn soft to cause any real damage if used as an instrument of torture). When using instruments of torture remember the following points:

  • Keep all instruments of torture well maintained and in proper working order.
  • DO NOT disassemble any instrument of torture for any reason. No user servicable parts are available in most instruments of torture. The only exceptions to this rule are the Class 1D guillotine type and Blade Class 3W type instruments that have interchangeable blades.
  • Oil all guillotine class instruments on a regular basis, as stated in the owner's manual.
  • All instruments of torture should be stored in an approved torture chamber, and only used for torturing or interrogation. Under no circumstances should an instrument of torture be used for any other purpose than torturing.
  • Do not play with instruments of torture. They are not toys!
  • Do not insert batteries into instruments of torture. Batteries are not required to operate these items!


Use torture techniques when interrogation fails to achieve (ooops... big word. ummmm... let's see...) ...fails to get the results you want. Torture will sometimes get you the results you want.

While executing torture, keep the following in mind:

  • The prisoner may be hysterically screaming out the information, so please listen carefully.
  • Ask the prisoner to repeat the information if you missed what he said the first time around.
  • Listen carefully enough, and you'll even learn how to curse in Qenya!
  • Try to minimize the amount of injury caused to the prisoner while torturing, but if injuring must be done, injure something less vital to survival.
  • Bonus points for not killing a prisoner when using a Killer Torture Technique.
  • Be ready to get cursed at, spat on, name called, kicked, hit, swatted, kicked where the sun-don't-shine, etc. Take it in stride for the time being. You can beat the crap outta the prisoner in due time.



Properly using the instruments of torture is very important. Keep in mind that certain instruments should be used at different times. You should plan your torture session carefully. Select the isntruments that will best effect the prisoner to most extent. Be careful not to over-use the instruments, or you may (read the following slowly, guys!) in-ad-vert-ant-ly kill your prisoner before getting the information you want. Use the following guide to plan your torture session:

Step 1: Get prisoner info. Name, background, a little something for small talk before the session starts.
Step 2: Select Instruments of Torture. Carefully select the right instruments. Keep the prisoner's body size, weight and make up in mind. Some instruments may not be very effective on certain body types.
Step3: Plan usage of instruments. Carefully plan when to use each and every instrument. on't be hasty with the big instruments. Use each instrument at the right moment for maximum effect.
Step 4: Gather the selected instruments. Collect all needed instruments and have them ready for the torture session. Inspect all instruments, checking for wear, damage, and seeing if any instruments need repair of any sort. Sharpen all blades. Oil all moving parts. Order a rebuild of an instrument if the instrument fails basic inspection. Re-order a new instrument if the instrument is broken. DO NOT use any defective instrument for any reason!
Step 5: Execute the Torture session. Bring the prisoner to the torture chamber, restrain and begin the torture session.
Step 6: Torture Session Follow-up. If the prisoner needs medical attention following the torture session, provide it to the best of your ability. Send the patient to the appropriate medical facility. If the prisoner is dead, remove personal effects, send to next of kin, and arrange for removal of the body. If next of kin don't want the body, chuck it in the furnaces at the Workshops.

Following the steps outlined above will ensure a smoot running and productive Torture session.


Chapter 10: Fights - Starting Your Own, Or Getting Out of One


You knew this subject would come up at some point.

Fighting. It happens. It's a part of life here in the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. In fact, if you don't fight, you most likely are having issues, or you don't belong here. Most fights are harmless rabbles and shoving matches. However, some fights are serious, resulting in injuries and even death. (If you die in a fight you caused, there are limitations to the benefits your next of kin can collect. If you die as a result of someone else's fight, then you're in luck.)

Most uruks spend time either A) starting a fight, or B) trying to get out of one. You will learn about both situations, and what to do when either occurs.

Starting Your Own Fight

Starting your own fight is real easy. Name calling is effective. Taunting and "Your Mom is a [insert insult here]" are also very effective. Verbal means of starting fights are the easiest, and most efficient methods. Physical methods work, too. shoving, pushing, hitting, punching, chopping off an extremity or even killing are all effective physical means of starting a fight. Certainly the most effective guarantee to starting a fight is to combine these two methods. But also keep in mind the following when you wish to start a fight:

  • Name-calling and verbal insulting are highly effective.
  • Taunting is also effective.
  • Threats work, too.
  • Calling someone stupider doesn't usually work, as there's really no way to quantify stupidity. Face it, if you resort to this tactic, you truly are stupid.
  • Killing someone is a great way to incite violence.
  • Stealing is just as effective as killing, if the object being stolen is worth enough to incite violence.
  • The more the merrier! Gang up on a bunch of uruks and let the violence begin!
  • Uruks will usually fight over nothing.
  • Uruks are very easily provoked.
  • Uruks also like to fight for the heck of it, too.
  • Fight tournaments are commonplace. The winner usually wins some valuable object, or the a place of leadership of some sort.
  • Office supplies are usually at the cetner of 60% of the recorded fights and disputes within the hordes.
  • If you start a fight, finish it! Never chicken out mid-way through a fight.


Getting Out of a Fight

Now that you know how to start a fight, let's talk about getting out of one. There are many ways to get out of fights:

  • Blame the fight on someone else. Very effective and often shifts the focus of the fight to someone else.
  • Run away. Cheesy solution, but it works. If you decide to run, run in a zig-zag pattern, down hill. This will cause confusion, as well as increase the chances that someone will fall over, and even cause a chain reaction where others will also fall over.
  • Yell and point off in some direction, "Look over there! It's Aragorn. Kill him!" Again, cheesy, but it works.
  • Create a diversion. Divert the attention to someone or something else. Highly effective means for letting you escape the mayhem if needed.
  • Look innocent. It's entirely possible to get away with stuff by looking just as dumb as the Uruk next to you.
  • Throw money. Yes, throwing money will certainly attract attention away from you. Uruks will usually fight over valuable objects, and this is one great way to shift the focus of a fight from you to others as they vie for the money. Counterfeit money makes this method even more effective.
  • Report to a person in a position of authority. Yes, being a tattle-tale can get you out of a fight, but this method usually gets you killed in the end.
  • Act Dumb. Similar to "Look Innocent", pretending not to know a darn thing is just as good as looking as dumb as the guy next to you.
  • Whatever you do, never say "I Did" when someone asks who started a particular fight or dispute. This is a no-brainer (than again, most Uruks don't have brains to begin with). Minimize your exposure to trouble by not confessing that you started the trouble to begin with!


Other methods for getting out of fights are out there. See what you can do to keep yourself out of trouble.

In case you die...

In the event that you die, there's a few possible options for recourse. Your next of kin are responsible for following up after the fact of your death.

  • If you died in a fight you caused: Your death is your own fault, so there's really nothing the Clueless Urukhai can do, other than give you a remedial burial or cremation service. Your next of kin will be responsible for your services if they choose to use different services than the ones provided by the Clueless Urukhai.
  • If you die in a fight you DID NOT cause: The guilty parties are responsible for covering your funeral services. In addition, they will also be responsible for a "Wrongful Death" penalty, and a "Punitive Damages" penalty, bith to be determined by the Court of Affairs.
  • If you are injured in a fight you caused: You're just as screwed as when you die in a fight you caused. More than likely, you will be seen as "weak" after you are injured, and will there fore probably be killed at some point in the near future. Sorry, we never said life was peachy here in the hordes of the Clueless Urukhai.
  • If you are injured in a fight you DID NOT cause: The guilty parties will be responsible for your medical expenses, lost wages, and have a "punitive damages" penalty.



Keep these points in mind when fighting. They will determine whether you should A) start the fight pr B) get out of a fight. Remember that violence is incited. If you keep your violent tendencies to a minimum within the horde, you will have a worry-free work and living experience within the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai.