Parodies Etc.>Miscellaneous > Urukhai Instruction Manual > Chapters 16-20

Chapter 16: Working with Ringwraiths


One of the best things about working with the Clueless Urukhai is that you have valuable allies and friends who are willing to work with you. One of the most effective working partnerships employed by the Clueless Urukhai is the Clueless Ringwraith Society, a society of Ringwraiths who work in close concert with the clueless Urukhai.

The CRS and The Clueless Urukhai: A Brief History
The Clueless Ringwraith Society (or CRS) was formed shortly after the founding of the Clueless Urukhai. Ringwraith #4 was lost on a mission, and Lurtz offered him a place to stay. A budding friendship formed. Saruman looked on with interest as Lurtz and Ringwraith #4 got to know each other more. One night, Lurtz and Ringwraith #4 decided to toilet paper Elrond's house. With his extensive knowledge of the Elven lands Ringwraith #4 led Lurtz and a small band of Uruks to Elrond's fabled "cleanest bathroom in middle-Earth." They then successfully toilet papered the bathroom, and even saran wrapped the toilet bowl as a pleasant bonus surprise. Saruman, seeing the successful work of the mission, decided to form a partnership with the Ringwraiths. So the CRS was formed, and along with the Clueless Urukhai, plenty of mayhem and mischief abounds throughout middle-earth. (Word has it that the CRS and the Clueless Urukhai are responsible for causing the Corsairs of Umbar to run aground when they removed the "Shallow Water" warning signs from the Bay of Belfalas).

Organization of the CRS

Ringwraith #4 is the president and founder of the Clueless Ringwraith Society.
Ringwraith #1 is the account manager.
Ringwraith #9 is the zoo director, in charge of all the animals and beasts of burden for both the Clueless Urukhai and the CRS.
Ringwraith #7 is the telecommunications director, in charge of the Palantir network.
Ringwraith #3 is the flight trainer for training Uruks and Ringwraiths in the art of riding fell beasts.
Ringwraith #8 is the conversion specialist. He can outfit anything to do anything. He's extremely handy at making new weapons and modifying equipment of all types to do stuff it was never intended to ever do.
Ringwraith #6 is the global monitoring specialist. He monitors activities via Satellite, keeping an eye out for new places to toilet-paper as well as places to pillage or ransack.
Ringwraith #2 is the ambassador of affairs for the CRS, and acts as a go-between for the Clueless Urukhai, the CRS and Sauron.
Ringwraith #5 is the recon specialist. He's great at spying. He was the one responsible for deciphering the Qenya Code, revealing the location of the "cleanest bathroom in middle-earth."

These are the original founding Ringwraiths of the CRS. In addition to these hard working Ringwraiths we have:

The CRS office staff consists of Ringwraiths 100-110.
Technical staff consists of Ringwraiths 130-142.
The IT Department is headed up by Ringwraiths 160 and 161.
The Office Integration Specialists are Ringwraiths 188 and 189.
The Customer Service Department consists of Ringwraiths 200-500.
The garbage men are Ringwraiths 501-505.
The general work force are Ringwraiths 600-1,200.*

*Additional specialties are available.

Working With The CRS

The CRS performs can perform many tasks. Tasks are not limited to:

  • Assassinations/Murder.
  • Getting horses. (RingWraith #4 was able to turn Shadowfaxx's cousin to the Dark Side. An amazing accomplishment.)
  • Stealing stuff.
  • Internet and industrial espionage.
  • Car repair.
  • Construction projects.
  • Travel Services (Trip planning, limo service, air travel, etc).
  • Interrogation support.
  • Integrated systems analysis: Impact Determination of Battle Plans and Siege Executions.
  • Entertainment of some sort.
  • Other (Please specify).


There is no cost to use the CRS services. But you must make an appointment if you wish to use the CRS. To use the CRS, follow these simple steps.

Step 1. Dial 1-888-GET-CRS1.
Step 2. Enter "1" to "Schedule A Service"
Step 3. Connect to a Service Representative to schedule the service.*

*Be sure to have a complete plan and a course of action available when you schedule the task. You will be asked for this information at the time you schedule the task. A complete list of Ringwraith specialties and job descriptions can be obtained by dialing 1-888-GET-CRS1 and entering menu option 35 "Specialties and Job Descriptions." The customer service representative can also give you this information, and may even suggest specialties that can perform your task well.

Three simple steps and you'll have a Ringwraith at your door, ready to help you with your task! The fastest and easiest method for working with the Ringwraiths.

Chapter 17: Working with Witch King

The Clueless Ringwraith Society has access to a valuable asset not accessible by any other means: The Witch King. Wiki (as he likes to be called) lives in Northern Regions of Angmar. He will periodically take up residence in Minas Morgul. He likes to turn the green night light of Minas Morgul on and off. His fell beasts are particularly skilled in the art of picking up things and dropping them, as well as screeching and sneezing.

Now what does all this have to do with the Clueless Urukhai? As a valued member of the Hordes, you can have Wiki work along side you! Yes, you can have the Witch King work with you to help you accomplish a particularly tough goal, or execute a difficult pillage or siege.

A brief run-down of Wiki's services:

  • Horse and rider removal.
  • Noise cancellation and/or sonic cleaning services.
  • Fell Beast training/acquisition.
  • Hand-to-hand combat.
  • Magic combat/Pesky wizard removal services
  • Limited postal/courier service. See "Courier Restrictions" below.
  • Limited flight/transport service. See "Flight/Transport Restrictions" below.
  • Palantir Recalibration and Antenna Booster Recalibration. See "Palantir Calibaration Restrictions" below.
  • Recon/Positional Tracking Services.
  • Siege/Pillage Oversight/Management
  • Siege Consultation Services - Requires extra fee.
  • Money laundering.
  • DUI Transportation Service - Get too drunk to drive the Warg? Call Wiki and he will pick you up. Requires a transport fee, paid on arrival at destination. Limited service area. Not available in inclement weather. Wiki reserves the right to send an acceptable equivalent agent to perform an equivalent level of service.


Wiki requires a 4 hour notice of request for services. He will usually perform the services within 12 hours of request. Most services are by reservation, however, to ensure that Wiki doesn't get too back-logged. Most services require a small fee or service charge. Keep in mind that the Palantir Recovery Service may not guarantee 100% operation of the Palantir, due to network connection conditions, traffic load and outside sources of interference.

Restrictions:
Courier Restrictions:
Packages must be either sleeved, enveloped or boxed. Linear dimensions can not exceed 62 inches. (Measure the length, width and height in inches and add together). Articles can not weigh more than 15 pounds. No hazardous materials (any article or substance covered in the 49 CFR or 55 CFR Hazardous Materials Definitions). No sharp or dangerous objects. Wiki reserves the right to reject any package or article. Wiki reserves the right to delay delivery of any article or package or re-route delivery via an equivalent courier service, using an equivalent level of service. This service requires a small fee based on size and/or weight of article. Wiki is not responsible for lost, mis-directed or un-deliverable articles due to errors, illegible delivery information or any reasonable circumstance outside his control.

Flight/Transport Restrictions:
One passenger maximum capacity. One standard piece of luggage and one carry-on is permitted. No black-out dates. Limited service area. Not available in inclement weather. Requires reservation (minimum 10 days advance notice). Round trip available on request (Round-Trip fee charged). Most trips are one-way only. Maximum flight leg will be 400 miles (the distance the fell beast can fly before requiring a brief rest. If your journey is more than 400 total miles, factor in 30 extra minutes per 400 mile (or any part thereof) for rest periods for the fell beast. A flight can consist of an unlimited number of flight legs). Competitor's service coupons and vouchers are accepted. Flights may be diverted due to inclement weather, or unacceptable landing conditions at destination. Every reasonable attempt will be made to transport to destination.

Palantir Calibaration Restrictions:
Recalibration services serve only to calibrate the amplitude waveform protocol employed by the Palantir Network. It is also a diagnostic service. Recalibration services WILL NOT remove viruses, remove SPAM, remove spy-ware, remove malicious code or remove programs. The protocol recalibration will ONLY restore download and upload data streams, and is not intended to create a new connection of any type. Recalibration requires PAL-Protocol Version 4.1001.87 or higher. If your Palantir displays the PAL-Pro 4.1 splash screen when powering up, your Palantir supports the recalibration services. If your Palantir displays the PAL-Pro 3.0 (or earlier) splash screen, upgrade to PAL-Pro 4.1 by obtaining a PAL-UP protocol upgrade CD. Wiki performs the upgrade at your location. Service includes recalibration, back-up of existing files, and archival of data on a CD. Recalibration service also includes Palantir recovery in case of product failure in the event of recalibration failure or service interruption. Technical services are available, free of charge.

Chapter 18. Group Tactics

Alrighty then, it appears that we're making excellent progress here. This next chapter deals with working with groups, and tactics used when working with groups.

Naturally, being a valued working member of the Clueless Urukhai, you will be working in large groups. In battle, Uruks tend to gather into groups called Hordes. A Horde contains no fewer than 25 individuals, led by a ranking overseer. There's no real maximum number for a horde. As many individuals a particular overseer can manage. Theoretically, one horde could have a million uruks in it! Realistically speaking, most hordes top out at 40-50 uruks. Larger hordes will have two overseers.

Why the big numbers? Well, in psychological terms, you're more likely to do stuff you normally wouldn't do if you're a member of a large group. It's anonymous violence theory, also called "Mob Mentality." Being a member of a large group causes individuals to tend to "lose their identity, and act as a spontaneous whole unit rather than on an individual basis." This mentality usually results in otherwise "normally behaving" individuals "misbehaving" and causing chaos. And that's exactly what the Clueless Urukhai encourage and reward. The more mayhem and destruction you cause, the better. And what better method to achieve that destruction and mayhem then with a mob?

Which brings us to the next point: Working with others.

Generally, Uruks aren't team players. They're more individualistic than you think. However, when a common cause is to be achieved, uruks will usually gather together and achieve that common cause. Once the common cause is achieved, then it's usually every uruk for himself, as the spoils are divided.

Keep in mind that working in a group isn't really difficult. You don't even really need to help the uruk next to you. In fact, if you hate the uruk next to you, just chop his head off. Or let the enemy do it for you. You can easily work your way around the battlefield doing your own killing and/or pillaging. As long as you generally work toward furthering the cause at hand, you really don't need to work with anyone.

For those of you who DO wish to work in a group, keep the following in mind:

  • Your group wants to achieve a common goal. Work toward that goal.
  • Your group overseer will help you out with any concerns or questions.
  • You should get to know your fellow group members.
  • Divide the spoils evenly among all group members.
  • Any disputes should be mediated or arbitrated in the Uruk Court of Affairs.
  • If you are unavailable to support your group prior to the combat, inform your overseer and arrange for a replacement, or alternate assignment within the group (where possible).
  • Do not perform illegal activities.


Group warfare is more efficient than individual warfare. A group achieves much more, and utilizes less overall effort. In most cases, the combat efficiency of a group is actually around 85%. Individual combat efficiency tops out at 60%.

Generally speaking, group warfare is better for morale, efficiency and is more economical in the end. Utilize group warfare to your advantage, and there will be no stopping you!



Chapter 19. Large Numbers

Along with working in groups, members of the Clueless Urukhai must also be able to understand and work with large numbers. It's a known fact that most Clueless Uruks can't count above 25. So how exactly does a Clueless Uruk count above 25? Simple: You don't.

The only real number that matters to a Clueless Uruk is the number 25. That's because 25 is the minimum number of individuals required for a Horde. Any number above 25 is icing on the cake, so why count above 25 when you don't need to?

Keep in mind that a horde can easily have over 25 individuals. There's no effective maximum number for a Horde. So as long as you have at LEAST 25 Uruks, you're good to go. You see a pattern developing here? 25, right? 25. That's it. 25.

More than likely, your average Horde has way more than 25 Uruks. But to be sure, use your advanced mathematical abilities to count out 25 Uruks. You can argue and fight over who gets counted or who doesn't get counted however you feel like. Just be sure that when the killing stops, you have 25 Uruks left. Anybody left over (those who haven't been counted) are free to join in on the cause.

One special mathematical ability you possess is the ability to multiply and add. To keep things simple, multiplying is really a fast way of adding. You've added things together before. You just added things together when you counted your Uruks for the Horde. You kept adding 1 Uruk to the group until you have 25 Uruks. You now have one horde. To get two hordes, start a new group and keep adding 1 Uruk until you get another 25. Keep repeating until you have the desired number of Hordes. To find out the minimum number of Uruks you have (remember, a horde has at least 25 Uruks) take the number of hordes you have and for every group you have, add 25. For example, you have 10 groups. You have 25 Uruks in each group. You have at least 250 Uruks. If you end up with 25 groups and still have left over groups, have the 25 groups stand aside. Count the remaining groups the same way you counted the first 25 groups until you either run out of groups or count another 25 groups, which ever comes first. Once you have your groups of 25, simply multiply the number 25 by the number of groups. If you have 35 groups you would multiply 25 (the minimum number of Uruks in a group) by 35 (the total number of groups) which equals 875.

A few important numbers to remember:
10 Hordes equals 250 Uruks minimum. (10 groups with at least 25 Uruks)
25 Hordes equals 625 Uruks minimum. (25 groups with at least 25 Uruks)
50 Hordes equals 1250 Uruks minimum. (50 groups (25 groups + 25 groups) with at least 25 Uruks)
100 Hordes equals 2500 Uruks minimum. (100 groups (25 groups +25 groups +25 groups +25 groups) with at least 25 Uruks).

By constantly multiplying groups of 25, you can easily determine the minimum number of Uruks you have. This way, you don't have to count above 25. And the best part is that by using a calculator, you can very easily determine your numbers.

An important reminder:
25 is the MINIMUM number of Uruks in a Horde. A horde could easily have over 25 Uruks. If you want the EXACT number of Uruks per horde, have each horde's Overseer apply the method of counting outlined in this chapter to find out exactly how many Uruks are in each Horde.

Chapter 20: Trolls

Trolls play an integral part in the success of the hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. They play specialized roles as gophers and doers of menial stuff.

Why Trolls?
Trolls are specialized beings. They big enough and strong enough to do what's needed. For the most part, Trolls can do any of the following:

  • Die
  • Carry stuff
  • Kill
  • Rudimentary conceptual perception of quantity
  • Grunt



Now just because Trolls have limited cognitive ability, one can not just assume that they are "stupid." (Remember, Cluelessness gets you places here in the Hordes!) They are willing servants and for the most part, will do as they are told. Most trolls serve to carry stuff. They make excellent heavy haulers and are often seen positioning heavy siege equipment or carrying rocks to the catapults and loading them.

Trolls make great heavy soldiers. As such, they are capable of killing many more enemies than a single Uruk. However, they are much bigger targets, and are often brought down relatively easily do to their sheer size and "targeting potential." Support your trolls when using them in your army!

Trolls make for great diversions, and are an excellent way to divert the attention of the enemy. Just don't get too attached to the particular troll you use as a diversion. that post traumatic stress syndrome is a really pesky condition to get rid of.

The best use of Trolls are for demolition projects. They excel at pure wanton destruction, and they are very good at it. Following a successful pillage, use the Trolls to utterly destroy the pillage location. Exercise restraint if there are residences or structures you want left intact. Left alone, Trolls will destroy all structures in the location.

General communication with Trolls is accomplished by Grunting. Most Trolls speak Uruk. They are raised speaking Uruk, so they are pretty much universal in the Uruk communication department. If for some reason, you are not familiar with Uruk, please see your Overseer for a Uruk Learning Kit. This kit will provide everything you need to quickly and easily master Uruk, as well as the various dialects and regional inflections of Uruk.

About that Rudimentary Conceptual Perception of Quantity...

Yes, trolls do possess a limited form of cognitive reasoning. As in, "there's something here, destroy it." This concept is very important to grasp. If a troll is sent to load rocks on the catapult, he will do so until there are no rocks left. Then he'll probably wander off and do something else. If a troll is sent on demolition duty, he will destroy everything until there's nothing left. This proves that a troll can tell "when there's nothing left." When there's nothing left, he will most likely wander off and do something else. More than likely that "something else" is usually unproductive and won't further the cause of the horde. Be sure to exercise concise control and schedule multiple tasks to your troll. To prevent forgetfulness, schedule no more than 2 tasks at a time to a troll. Or you will cause confusion and/or mental/physical breakdown and loss of effectiveness.

In general, Trolls are a valuable asset to the Hordes. Just keep them well maintained and under control and your army will be virtually unstoppable.