Parodies Etc.>Miscellaneous > Urukhai Instruction Manual > Chapters 1-5

Chapter 1: Introduction to the Clueless Urukhai

First and foremost, welcome to the Horde. We are happy to have you join us. The clueless Urukhai are a world-class employer, offering many challenging and dynamic work environments. And every position offered requires nothing more than a rudimentary knowledge of how to be Clueless.

The Clueless Urukhai were established in the 3rd Age, courtesy of our founder, Saruman and Lurtz. Lurtz was a down-on-his-luck Orc who needed a job and was about to get evicted from his Orc-hole. He came upon Saruman while on a routine pillage of a outlying twon near Mordor. The two struck up a conversation, and Saruman, taking pity on poor Lurtz, invited him to the Tower of Isengard, Orthanc. There, Lurtz did the basic cleaning and gopher jobs required by Saruman.

It came to be that Saruman inherited a talking bowling ball, and someone named Sauron was always at the other end. Lurtz, not wanting to be nosey, always kept out of the Tower Room when Saruman talked to the talking bowling ball. SO Lurtz never really knew what was up until Saruman told him.

One day, Lurtz was outside digging a hole, and he sort of got carried away. Saruman came down and asked him what was going on. Lurtz profusely apologized, but then Saruman came up with an idea. Using his magic white stick, saruman created a few more orcs. "Dig more holes, as big as your hearts content", saruman said. So Lurtz and the other Orcs dug to their hearts content, and that's how the Workshops of Isengard came into being, complete with broadband internet and digital cable service.

The Workshops are where the Clueless Urukhai build their weapons of mass cluelessness and practice their Clueless Techniques. The surface courtyards are used as practice areas. Living quarters are underground in the Residential area. Higher ranking Orcs build themselves lavish Suites, complete with runing water and electric appliances. Mid-lower ranking Orcs live in the dormitory sections.

Field trips to interesting places in Middle Earth are scheduled regularly, to combat boredom, and to perfect techniques learned in the Workshops.


Chapter 2: Employment Information


In this chapter, we will discuss your employment with the Clueless Urukhai, and all the information related there to.

To begin, the following are required to be employed with the Clueless Urukhai:

A rudimentary knowledge of how to be Clueless. (Also known as Cluelessness). Being Clueless is not hard. In fact, you can be the smartest Uruk on Middle-Earth and still be Clueless.

A weapon of some sort. Doesn't matter what the weapon is. It can be a petrified dust bunny for all we care. We prefer the Steel kind, however. Much more effective than a petrified dust bunny. If you do not have a weapon, you must order one when you join us. The cost is low, as it's made by you and your fellow clueless uruks in the Workshop Forges.

Proper linguistic study in the Grunt and RRRRGH! You must have the capability to perform the rudimentary Orc grunt and roar. While these are learned at an early age for most Uruks, some choose not to learn these forms of communication. It is important to realize the Grunt and Rrrrrrgh! are REQUIRED for effective communication with other Clueless uruks.

Your schedule is 4 work days with three Off-days. Keep in mind that you may not work 4 consecutive days and then have 3 consecutive days off. No matter how it comes, you work 4 days and have 3 days off. No overtime is available unless you're on a Pillage, Siege or Attack. Hazard compensation is granted for those who sign up for the Engineering and Enforcement branches of the clueless urukhai.

Payday is every friday. If you elect for direct deposit, your account will be credited every friday by 12 noon.

Throughout the clueless urukhai, there are various branches of work to go into. You are free to choose whatever type of work suits you best. However, on occassion, it may be necessary for you to work in other branches or departments if labor is short. When you register with the clueless uruks on your first day on the job, select a primary work department, and then TWO alternate work departments. You will eventually be cross-trained across all departments, but not right away. Choose from the following list of work departments:

Clueless Urukhai: Work Departments and Branches
-Engineering: The heart behind the mechanical aspects of the Clueless Uruks. Here you design and test new weapons and technology. Or you steal from someone else and slap your name on it. In fact, we encourage you to steal it from someone esle, because half the work is already done for you. and that's why you get hazard pay in this department.
-Ballistics: Shooting stuff is more fun than ever!
-Siege Machinary: Flinging cows at your enemies if more effective than you think! If you work in this department, and are able to build and maintain a fully functional Grond, your department earns a bonus! (By fully functional, your grond must be GPS compatible, remote controllable, can not contain anything radioactive or nuclear-related, be able to navigate all types of terrain under it's own power, and be able to bash city gates).
-Enforcement Branch: Keep the law and order of the Clueless Uruks in full force! Check hall passes, driver licenses and certifications. You're also responsible for keeping the general order and peace. Hazard Pay bonus.
-Purveyor of Cluelessness: (This department usually requires a waiting list, as this is the most popular department). All you have to do here is be stupid. Not to hard. but you need to be extra-stupid so you can effectively spread cluelessness to others.
-Weapons Production: You build the weapons required for the Clueless Urukhai. Relatively easy, and doesn't require a degree of any sort.
-Armory: Building the armor that is critical to protecting yourself and your fellow Clueless Uruks. Requires basic math, plus geometry, trigonometry and calculus. More educated Uruks are encouraged to apply here.

All major holidays and a few other company holidays are honored throughout the year. There are 16 recognized holidays, and 6 company holidays honored, for a total of 22 holidays. You also get 14 days sick leave and 10 personal days. Full medical/dental/vision insurance is provided. (More detailed information on benefits will follow in chapter 3).

Company vehicles are issued to those requiring travel to other locations.
(More on company vehicles in chapter 22).

Chapter 3: Benefits and Compensation

The Clueless Urukhai offer a wide range of benefits and compensation.

Hourly Pay. You get paid on an hourly basis. Your pay is based on your experience. If you don't have any, your level of Cluelessness will factor in. Since Cluelessness is such an integral part of the Clueless Uruks, the more you have the better. It's possible to amass a better pay wage by just being Clueless, even if the Uruk next to you has been working with the Clueless Uruks for 10 years. The only exception to this rule is if you become a Salaried employee, which is really not worth it, since you make more money hourly anyway.
Medical/Dental/Vision. Full insurance will provided. Providers are located throughout Mordor. The Mt. Doom Central Medical Center handles all major Uruk-related health issues, and you are encouraged to use this medical facility if you want to take full advantage of your health insurance benefits.
Paid Holidays and Paid Time Off. You get a total of 46 paid days off. 6 annual holidays, 16 company holidays, 14 sick days and 10 personal days. Unused time is carried over indefinitely.
Uruk35 Investment Plan. Invest a percentage of your pay in the Clueless Urukhai Stocks and Bonds, and you'll have a great nest egg to retire with. Please see the Uruk financier for complete details about the Uruk35 investment program.
Free tax evasion. Yes, you heard right! We'll help you evade the tax guy by under-inflating your earnings as "charitable donations" to the Urukhai Horde.


You must register for your benefits by the second week of employment. Benefit costs are minimal. You may invest as much as 75% of your annual earnings in the Uruk35 Investment Program. (You could invest 100%, just make sure to use that Free Tax Evasion service.)

You will get a weapon when you join us, as it is required for field trips outside the Workshops. You can choose from the following weapons:

Swords:
Long sword
Short sword
Standard Urukhai Scimitar

Bows:
Standard Uruk Crossbow
Standard Uruk Long Bow
Standard Short Bow


Polearms:
Uruk Spear
Standard Uruk Poleaxe
Long thingy with a pointy end


Other Weapons:
Flail
Pea shooter
Water pistol
Petrified dust bunny
Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile - restrictions apply.


You may choose to have more than one weapon. Simply select any and all weapons you prefer to have when you register. You may change, add, or remove weapons from your arsenal using the "Form 1345 - Weapons Adjustments." Your weapons will only cost you $10 per weapon, irregardless of the weapon. The only exception to this rule is the ICBM, which requires $500 insurance deposit, $500 liability deductible, $2,500 transport and usage fee, and $2,500 environmental awareness fee (because you know darn well how much that ICBM will screw up the environment).

A pension fund will become available at age 65, and will be based on your annual salary average over all the years of service with the Clueless Uruks. See the Uruk financier for complete details. (And don't forget to use that Free Tax Evasion Service to boost your pension income even more!)


Chapter 4: Equipment and Technology


The Clueless Urukhai employ state of the art technology and equipment to ensure your job is as easy and efficient as possible. You are issued standard issue equipment when you begin your job with the Clueless Urukhai. This equipment includes your weapons and armor. If you are assigned to the Siege division, your siege machinary is also standard issue. Keep the following in mind when you are issued your standard equipment:

  • It is your responsibility to maintain your equipment. Don't ask Chuck or Chuck's brother to fix your stuff for you. It usually won't happen.
    Keep in mind that replacing broken equipment is simple and easy. Fill out Form-1344 "Weapons Replacement" and turn in the form to the appropriate Forge Master.
  • Never loan your equipment to another Uruk. It'll most likely be lost, broken, or used to kill you if that other Uruk is mad at you.
  • Never stick a sharp metal object into an electrical socket.
  • Never lick the freezer shelf, either.
  • If you find a lost weapon or other piece of standard equipment, you may return it to the rightful owner. But you're probably better off keeping it yourself and denying you ever saw anything if you are questioned about the lost equipment.
  • Most equipment is made in the Workshops of Isengard (you make it yourself, believe it or not).
  • Some equipment is made in the USA, Brazil, Australia, United Kingdom, Spain, Taiwan, China, Congo, Amazon Jungle, Micronesia and New Zealand.
  • Store your equipment properly when not in use. Doing so will keep your weapons in good working condition.
  • Siege machinary needs to be lubricated with the proper oil. Use 10W-40 or any grade above to maintain proper operation of siege machinary. Under no circumstances should WD-40 be used as a lubricating agent in Uruk Siege equipment.
  • If it has a gas tank, keep the tank filled with gas. Or you'll be the laughing stock of the horde when you troubleshoot a broken piece of machinery, only to find out the stupid thing ran outta gas!


The clueless Urukhai also employ the latest technologies. From GPS to the latest in Armor plating and weapons forging, the Clueless Uruks are above the rest in terms of technology. The extensive computer network installed in the Workshops and residential areas is for both work and pleasure. Keep the following in mind when dealing with the computer systems:


  • If the computer is not acting normal, please try to shut down the system.
  • Business use of the computer systems may be logged.
  • It is your responsibility to maintain your Network account in good standing. No pornographic, lude, or otherwise similar material is to be found on network accounts. If such material is found on your network account, you may be sent to Rivendell to clean Elrond's house for a determined period of time.
  • Please make sure that any games installed on the network will work properly. We don't want to hear whining that Doom 4 won't play right over the network.
  • Illegal downloading of music files is outside the realm of the network, so download away!
  • When listening to illegally downloaded music files, please mind your neighbors. It's bad enough most Uruks are selectively deaf to begin with.
  • The IT department is available 24-7-365 to help with any issues that arise. Contact the IT dept. at: 1-800-wedon't-care.
  • Smashing the computer is only a last resort. Do that last. (Or else you void the warranty).
  • If your neighbor's computer is better than your own, steal it.
  • Passwords and usernames are limited to 3 characters, as some uruks can't deal with words longer than 3 letters or numbers.
  • Bonus points for hacking the Gondor Network Systems.
  • The GPS system requires a standard issue GPS transceiver. You may request one by filling out form "GPS-1011" and turning it in to the IT dept.
  • Batteries for electronic devices are not to be eaten.
  • Such batteries make better weapons when thrown at other uruks or even enemies.
  • Cell phones don't give you cancer.
  • Don't use the cellphone while driving. Especially oliphaunts. The oliphaunt may mistake the cell-phone signals as commands to turn left or right. You may be stuck on an oliphaunt that can only turn right or left as a result of using a cell-phone while operating such oliphaunt.


Chapter 5: Pillaging


Ahhh! Now we get to some interesting topics. This chapter will cover the basic points (and some finer details) of pillaging.

What is pillaging?
Pillaging is the stealing, destroying or general causing of chaos and mayhem in a single location. Pillaging is solely designed to get you free stuff. Granted, some of that free stuff isn't what you expected, but what the heck, it's free. So stop complaining.

Several steps are involved in the Pillaging process:

Step 1: Decide to Pillage. Very important, as pillaging won't happen unless you decide to actually go and pillage.

Step 2: Get others to join you. Also very important. Pillaging is a team-oriented activity. You must have at least 10 uruks involved in order for a Pillage to happen.

Step 3: Grab some weapons. Extrmely important. You must have weapons in order for the pillaging process to be successful. Do NOT use the Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile for this process! If there is nothing left to pillage, than you've defeated the whole purpose of reading this chapter. (If you've already used the ICBM, and are reading this section for help, go directly to the chapter titled, "Buckethead.")

Step 4: Plan an attack to intiate your pillage. This step requires thinking. (And you thought being a clueless uruk would get you out of the thinking department?). You must plan a way to infiltrate and the location you wish to pillage, and how. Keep the following in mind:

  • Any walled location will have a gate. And that's what the Grond is for.
  • Do NOT use the Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile as a means to get the gate open. (See Step 3 above).
  • Obtain the height measurements of the defensive walls (if applicable). This can be achieved by using a laser measuring device.
  • Siege machinary is a plus. It is best to use long-range siege machinary in this case.
  • Keep in mind that there will be some form of resistance when you go to pillage a location.
  • Bribery works, too.
  • If bribery doesn't work, killing usually does.
  • Tilt the numbers in your favor. If the target location has a population of 500, use at least 5,000 Uruks. If the target population is 1,000 or so, use 10,000 uruks. Any populations above 1,500: use at least 250,000 uruks.
  • Implement all departments and specialties in the pillage plan. You have a wide variety of specialists and covert-ops branches available. The engineering branch can build bridges, siege equipment and remove obstacles like sticks in the road, pebbles and other items the enemy may have put in your way to stop your pillage attempt.
  • Witchking and the Ring-Wraiths are available, but you must book them 6 weeks in advance of your pillage attempt.
  • Balrog of Moria is available, but you must book him 12 weeks in advance of your pillage attempt.
  • Melkor can help out, too. You must book him 30 weeks in advance, as well as pay his fee of $15 dollars to cover liability insurance waivers.


Step 5: Case your target pillage location. Get an idea of what you're up against. Slap on a sheep costume and wander around the target pillage location. Remember that sheep don't grunt! They "baaaaaa." Extra linguistic study and practice will be required. While casing your location, take note of:

  • What defenses are protecting the location.
  • Where the defenses are located.
  • The locations of entry points.
  • The height of walls (if applicable).
  • The locations and types of gates in the walls.
  • Try to enter the location (in your sheep costume, mind you) and get an idea of the interior layout. (If this proves impossible, use your Internet account and open the Google Middle-Earth program. This program will show you a satellite view of almost any location of any city within the realm of Middle-Earth.
  • Take careful note of restroom and cafe locations. food and restrooms are important places for taking breaks while pillaging.


Step 6: Prepare your forces. Once your pillage attempt is planned, you must assemble your forces. Draft the proper departments and set a mobilization time table.

Step 7: Execute your pillage: Once your units are ready, mobilize and move out. Once you enter enemy territory, it is best to get to your pillage under way as soon as possible. Remember that having the numbers in your favor work sthe best. At least a 75:1 ratio (75 uruks to 1 enemy) is preferred.

Step 8: Pillage the location. On arrivale at your pillage location, begin pillaging. Keep the following in mind:

  • The lower-class residences aren't worth pillaging, but they're fun to destroy anyway.
  • The mid and upper class reisdences are what you want.
  • The Ruling body of the location usually has the most lavish and largest residences. If you're goodm you can pillage these residences, but leave them intact for your own use.
  • If the residence has a drawbridge, you can launch stuff off of it.
  • Wide streets and boulevards are great for racing.
  • Kill in the morning and evening. Never during the hottest part of the day.
  • Smashing stuff is great!
  • If you find something particularly interesting, keep it to yourself and tell no one about it. If you do, you'll be dead faster than you think.
  • Check anywhere and everywhere for treasure or hiding residents. You'll be darned at the creative spots people can hide in.
  • When in doubt, burn it.


Step 9: Dividing the spoils. this is usually the hardest part of the process, since every uruk tries to claim the greatest items for himself. As noted above, finding something great is good, but leave it to yourself. Don't brag. Fights may break out (if they do, see Chapter 10) which may result in fatalities and injuries. When complete with the pillage, take your loot and return to Isengard. If any items can be contributed to the whole, they will be. All uruks involved in the pillage will get a pay bonus.

Notes:

  • In the case of an unsuccessful pillage, no bonus will be paid out.
  • In the case that the location doesn't exist anymore, or the location moved, return to Isengard and review the Google Middle-Earth satellite images. For this reason, keep Google Middle-Earth updated and current.
  • In the case of getting lost on the way to the pillage location, that's your own fault and you have no one else to blame but yourself. (So pay real close attention to those Google Middle-Earth maps! They can be printed out, or you can use the Satellite Nav-Comm wireless feature with a laptop in the field to get internet access to get to Google Middle-Earth.


Remember to plan accordingly! Only careful planning will make a pillage successful!