Parodies Etc.>Miscellaneous > Urukhai Instruction Manual > Chapters 11-15

Chapter 11: Weapons Handling



We will now discuss the finer arts of handling a weapon in this chapter. It's extremely important to remember that a weapon is an integral part of one's career in the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. Weapons handling is important to master, as doing so will greatly improve your combat efficiency. And higher combat efficiency raises your chances of surviving fights, battles and what have you. To begin, we will briefly discuss weapons and their role in the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. Then we will discuss the handling of weapons.

Weapons

For you "uneducated" Uruks, a weapon is an object that is used to cause physical harm to another uruk, person, object or being. It is also wielded (that is swung, used, thrown, etc. I know - wielded is a big word, but we're entering the advanced topics now, so get used to bigger words) for protection, too.

Types of Weapons

Weapons come in two main types: the kind you throw. And the kind you don't throw. Throwing weapons include Javelins, Sspears, Pikes (if you so choose to throw. Although it is difficult to throw a pike), Rocks, etc. Non-throwing weapons include: swords, clubs, catapults (Siege equipment), the Grond, etc. Arrows and crossbow bolts are a special throwing type of weapon (as in the bow throws the arrows and bolts instead of you).

Care of Weapons
Keep all weapons in proper working order. Sharpen all blades, lubricate all moving parts, and maintain proper maintenance as required or listed in that particular weapon's instruction manual. Bows and Crossbows must be tuned at regular intervals to maintain proper draw tension. Calibrate and adjust draw controls on bows and crossbows by carefully following the appropriate instructions for each weapon regarding draw control adjustments. Never use a broken or malfunctioning weapon. You're stupid if you do. If you find yourself in such a situation, steal the weapons from the Uruk next to you and act like nothing ever happened.

Handling of Weapons

Here is where you will learn appropriate weapons handling. Some important items to remember:


  • Never aim the pointy end of anything at yourself.
  • Bows and crossbows require a bowstring to function properly. Install and properly calibarate the draw tension.
  • Along with bowstrings, bows and crossbows also require arrows and bolts.
  • Sharpen all blades using a #4 sharpening Granite.
  • Anything fluffy and soft doesn't belong in the weapons cabinet or storage area.
  • And by any means, anything soft and fluffy NEVER belongs in the battlefield or combat for that matter.
  • Obtain proper training before attempting to use a new weapon.
  • Don't forget to aim!
  • If the target is really big, you shouldn't have a hard time hitting it. (Face it, if you miss something the size of an Oliphaunt, you really got issues).
  • Bonus points for hitting a running hobbit.
  • Or a moving target the same size as a running hobbit.


Each weapons type has a unique handling strategy. Knowing this strategy can greatly increase your proficiency with that weapon type. Refer to each weapon type to determine how to use it.

Sword

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Hold in one hand (or two hands). If using a shield, hold sword in one hand, the shield in the other.
  • 3. Swing.


Pike

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Hold in two hands. The Pike requires two hands due to its size.
  • 3. Lean butt end of Pike into ground.
  • 4. Lower point (the pointy end) at a 30 to 45 degree angle toward enemy (Aim for the enemy, now).
  • 5. Hold Pike in this position. This is your general attack formation with a Pike.

Spear/Javelin

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Hold in hand. (If using a shield, hold Spear in one hand and the sheild in the other).
  • 3. Select a target.
  • 4. Aim carefully. (Remember, the pointy end goes toward the enemy).
  • 5. Throw Spear as hard as possible at target. Try to throw the Spear as straight and level as possible. The faster the Spear travels, the straighter it will fly through the air.

Club

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Hold in one or two hands. (If using a shield, hold club in one hand, the shield in the other).
  • 3. Swing

Rock

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Lift rock.
  • 3. Smaller rocks can be hurled in one hand.
  • 4. Larger rocks will require two hands.
  • 5. Really big rocks require a Troll or a catapult.
  • 6. Select a target.
  • 7. Hurl rock at target when target is in range.

Bow

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Get arrow. (Yes, you need arrows for the bow to work. You're an idiot if you don't know that).
  • 3. Place arrow on bowstring, fitting the notch in the arrow to the bowstring. Make sure the pointy end faces away from you.
  • 4. Stand straight. Posture is important with this weapon).
  • 5. Grasp arrow with fingers while pulling bowstring back as far as possible.
  • 6. Select a target.
  • 7. When target is in range, release the bowstring.
  • 8. Do not move the bow while releasing the bowstring. You will miss and look like an idiot if you do.
  • 9. Repeat steps 2-7 until all arrows are exhausted, or combat is complete.
  • 10. Retrieve arrows following end of combat or when your supply is exhausted.
  • 11. The bow itself can be used as a weapon if things get dire. Follow the instructions for "Sword."

Crossbow

  • 1. Inspect and certify weapon for usage.
  • 2. Cock (or draw) the bowstring. Stand on the cocking stand and pull back with the bowstring cock device.
  • 3. When bowstring snaps into place, remove the bowstring cocking device.
  • 4. Insert bolt in trough. Make sure the pointy end is facing away from you.
  • 5. Select target.
  • 6. When target is in range, squeeze trigger to release bowstring.
  • 7. Reset the crossbow using the bowstring cocking device.
  • 8. Repeat steps 3-6 until combat is complete, or supply of bolts is exhausted.
  • 9. See Step 11 for "Bow" for more details in using the crossbow as a standard "sword" weapon if the case ever arises.


The weapon types above are the main weapon types used in combat. If you are assigned a specialized weapon, you will be thoruoughly trained in it's proper usage. In general, most weapons used by the clueless Urukhai involve swinging or throwing. Not too difficult to master. All weapons are easily handled and should not present much of a challenge. If you find yourself having difficulty with a weapon, you can obtain more training, or choose a different weapon. The easiest weapon to use is the Rock. (Even a stupid Uruk can chuck a rock). The hardest weapon to use is the Bow. (Yes, the bow requires a bit of dexterity, as well as mental effort.) Choose a weapon that best suits you, and you will have few problems. See a weapons handler or an overseer if you would like more detailed information or have issues with a weapon.

Chapter 12: Warg Technique

Wargs play an integral part of the war machinery for the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. They are fiercely loyal to their owners and riders, and are comparable to the full-size war horses of those piddly little human armies. This section will tell you all you need to know about wargs and handling them effectively.

What is a Warg?
A warg is domesticated species, Canis Biggus Fiercust. Bred from the fierce wild wargs found in the lands too far south to name (because they're too far south), ancestral wargs roamed the whole of middle earth.
Ok, the truth: saruman used his magic white stick.

Handling of Wargs

Warg handling requires a rudimentary knowledge of working with animals. Any Uruk can easily master working with wargs. Most wargs are trained to accept grunt commands, as well as simple word commands. Wargs are loyal to both their owners and riders. however, most riders also own their wargs. Remember to approach a warg cautiously if you're visiting for the first time.

What the Warg Does

Humans and Elves use fuzzy little horsies to carry them around in battle. Wargs serve the same purpose. Most wargs are the same size as a war-horse. Thus, wargs easily even the odds against war horses. In general, a warg carries it's rider. It can also kill and eat things when asked to, although in the midst of battle, you will find your warg automatically eating and biting stuff for you. This easily doubles your combat efficiency. For this reason alone, all Uruks are given warg training of some sort. Your warg will carry great distances relatively quickly. so your warg is also a great mode of transportation, as well.

Training Techniques

Training wargs is difficult and trying at times. Here's some points to remember when training wargs:
  • Never hit or abuse a warg.
  • Doing so makes your job all that harder.
  • Never approach a feeding warg (unless you want to become part of his dinner).
  • Warg doo needs to be cleaned up! Don't forget about that!
  • Yelling excessively at a warg may cause it to become more agressive.
  • Use calming, soothing techniques when training.
  • Appeal to the hunger factor: Food is a great motivator for training.
  • Keep in mind that your warg can't learn tricks over night. Be patient!
  • You can train your warg to do neat stunts.
  • One good stunt to teach: junmping through a flaming hoop.
  • Never let the warg lick the freezer shelf!
  • For that matter, why is the warg even in the kitchen?
  • Wash your warg on a monthly basis, or when it needs to be cleaned. If you have a white warg, and he ends up black by the time you finish combat, by all means wash it to restore it to it's former white glamor.
  • Keep in mind that wargs eat meat. No vegetarian wargs.
  • Don't forget to clean up all the warg doo after combat!
  • Playfulness is one trait that helps keep warg minds happy and healthy.
    Schedule regular trips to the local warg park, or regular filed trips outside the Workshops for the wargs to run around and relax.
  • Feed and water wargs at regular intervals.
  • Uncooperative prisoners can always become warg food.

Preparing Your Warg for Combat
Proper protection and preparation before combat will ensure Willy the Warg returns unscathed from battle. Keep the following in mind:
  • Have your warg fitted for armor and protection.
  • Properly measure your warg.
  • Detailed instructions and diagrams showing how to measure your warg are given out when you bring your warg to the armory for fitting.
  • Keep in mind that more (or heavier) armor will slow down your warg.
  • Heavier armor will also require more effort of your warg.
  • Test the armor your fit your warg with for a week by having your warg wear the armor and closely monitoring its status. Any deviations from the accepted tolerances must be noted. Bring the warg back to the armory to adjust anything that needs to be adjusted.
  • Additional warg related equipment is also available at the armory.
  • A proper saddle will be fitted to your warg as part of the armoer fitting process.
  • A humane control device is also installed at the time of fitting. No painful bits or similar devices are used.
  • A warg doo Remover is included with each armor set fitted to your warg.
  • Use the warg doo remover!

Your warg is responsible for carrying you safely through combat. Protect him appropriately, and he will see you through combate safely and effectively. Also, through careful training and meticulous care, your warg will become a life-long companion and a trustworthy side-kick in combat.

Chapter 13. The Art of Defying Orders (Your own, or someone else's)

This is where you learn how to be a rebel. If you've every felt like not doing anything useful, or ever wanted to just be a prick, or a pain in someone's butt, here's how!

Defying orders is an art. There's really two ways to go about defying orders:

Blatant disregard for authority in general. Yes, a blatant disregard for authority will certainly get things happening in the Hordes of the Clueless Urukhai. Openly defying authority certainly has a few drawbacks, but in the end , it can get you places.

Procrastination. (Pro-cras-ti-na-tion). You'll do it later. Works every time. Eventually, it gets to the point where the requester will simply pass the work onto someone else. Which essentially gets you out of doing work.

Delegation. (Del-e-ga-tion). Make someone else do it. A highly effective method for defying authority, or orders. Essentially, you're procrastinating, but making someone else do the procrastinating. If that certain someone doesn't do the procrastinated work, than you are free to ream his butt until he a) does the work in question, or b)kill him.

Oh wait... that's three things. Oh well. Who ever said Uruks aced Calculus had to be smoking crack.

Anywhoo...

Defying orders entails the use of any of the three methods stated above. A more effective strategy is to combine one or more methods. The most effective strategy is to procrastinate and delegate (the P&D Method).

The P&D Method
The Procrastinate And Delegate Method is one of the most highly effective systems for defying authority, orders and/or getting out of having to do work. It's so effective, that the P&D Method has been Certified by the Council of Uruk Work Ethics as an official Uruk360 Core Strategy. It exemplifies the most efficient method for defying authority and orders. All Urukhai factions are required to obtain this certification. The Clueless Urukhai of Isengard achieved this certification in 2001, and has maintained this certification since through comprehensive training and awareness. (Annual re-certification audits are employed to maintain certification. Any Urukhai faction failing the annual audit can apply for re-certification after meeting the re-certification criterion, and will immediately enjoy the prestige of certification upon successful completion of the re-certification audit).

The P&D Method In Depth

The P&D Method consists of 2 core components:

A) Procrastination. The delaying of execution of a task until a later time. Usually entails incurring delays, or subsequent actions resulting in a delay of execution of a task.

B) Delegation. The recruiting of another Uruk to execute a task. Usually delegation entails the willful selection of a Uruk of a lower rank, and a method of ensuring the selected Uruk performs the job as delegated.

Executing the P&D Method

Properly executing these two components is essential to the success of this core strategy.

In order of execution: Procrastination ---> Delegation.

The exact method of procrastination is irrelevant to the core strategy. As long as procrastination occurs, that's all that matters. The method of delegation is important, as you must choose a method that will ensure the procrastinated task will be executed. Note that order of execution is important. Although delegation can be done first, it will not guarantee that procrastination will occur. (There might be a Uruk who actually will do work).

Methods of Procrastination
Procrastination can be achieved in many ways. But the easiest method is to simply say "I'll do it later." The duration of time between the next inquiry on the status of the requested task will vary. More urgent tasks may have more frequent status updates, whereas a less urgent task will have infrequent status updates. In either case, simply put off the task until later. Key points to remember:

  • Don't be agressive when confronted with a request for a status update on a procrastinated task.
  • Never assume that the procrastinated task will "simply go away" within the first 48 hours of procrastination.
  • Keep a list of effective excuses on hand.
  • You can pretend to execute the requested task by leaving the room or area. Once a safe distance away (distance will vary), you can return or go somewhere else (like home, to the movies, or even on a field trip).
  • You can also say "I'm waiting for input (or something else) from So-and-so and he hasn't gotten back to me yet." A highly effective strategy for lenghting the duration between staus updates.
    Whatever method you use to procrastinate, keep the excuses reasonable.
  • Do not fantasize weird reasons or stupid reasons. Saying "My uncle's oliphaunt smoked crack and went on a rampage which caused my sister's goldfish to die, which in turn casued family turmoil, which my boss heard about and got upset over, causing him to sniff whiteout while walking by the furnaces, which caused him to explode in flames and die." It won't work. Nope. Nada.


Methods of Delegation
Delegation should be done carefully and effectively. You must choose the Uruk who you think stands the best chance of completing the procrastinated task. Be careful when choosing. It is advised NOT to select close friends and acquaintances, as you will most likely be threatening (or cause to be threatened) the Uruk whom you've delegated. Key points to remember:

  • Do NOT delegate close friends and relatives.
  • Choose an effective method of delegation.
  • Use a reasonable tone when delegating. Open threats will only cuase dissent and hatred in the end.
  • Allow the delegated Uruk to enlist the help of others. Sub-delegation works well. Although it lengthens the Chain of Execution, the sub-delegation of a delegated Uruk is acceptable.
  • When allowing Sub-delegation, make sure to obtain a complete contact trail so you know who to go to if the task is not completed on time, or you are not satisfied with the quality of the completed task.
  • Open threats or acts of violence should be reserved for only the most difficult of Uruks.
  • Again, a reasonable tone will usually result in the effective (or somewhat effective) delegation of the Uruk(s).
  • Offering some kind of reward for satisfactory completion of the delegated task(s) will usually result in effective delegation.


The P&D Method will ensure timely and effective defying of authority or orders. Remember to effectively execute the P&D Method.
If you need more information on the P&D Method, contact:
Web: http://www.PDM.clueless.uruks
Email at: PDM@PDMethod.clueless.uruks
National Headquarters: P&D Method: Ideaology and Strategic Execution. Clueless Uruks. 1 Uruk Way, Suite 4500. Isengard. 22234-4453-132
National Info line: 1-888-PDM-URUKS.
National Fax Access: 1-878-PDM-URUKS.
Customer Service: 1-800-PDM-URUKS.
Customer Correspondence: P&D Method: Customer Service and Quality Control. Clueless Uruks. 1 Uruk way, Suite 4600. Isengard. 22234-4453-188

Promotional materials and Seminar/Convention Materials:
Web: http://www.PDMPromotional.clueless.uruks
E-mail at: PDM.Promotional@PDMPromo.clueless.uruks
National Fax Access: 1-878-445-4446
Sales and Promotional Info: 1-878-445-4447
To order a sampler kit containing all the relevant materials required to set up and execute the PDM-On-the-Go Seminar/Convention Experience, call 1-878-445-4448. Specify estimated event size, and a sample kit will be sent to you. Kit includes basic overview, sample slides, a sample interactive multi-media slide presentation, a catalog of promotional materials, a small sampling of the more popular promotional materials available, and complete ordering instructions and support.


Chapter 14. Pets

There are no pets.

Chapter 15: What to Do if You Angered Saruman or Sauron

So you've managed to piss off the big bosses. How on Middle Earth did you manage to do that? Well let's see... There's not punching in for work. Forgetting to use your Warg Doo remover on the Workshop grounds. Oh wait a minute, we're talking about what to do if you managed to anger Saruman or Sauron.

Chapter 10 offers ways to Get Out of a Fight. Some of the tactics can be applied in this situation:
  • Act Dumb. Stupidity gets you places. Pretend you're too stupid to understand what's being said, or know anything surrounding the circumstances.
  • Run Away. Not going to accomplish much when it comes to Saruman or Sauron. but heck, it's worth a try!
  • Look Innocent. See "Act Dumb" above.
  • Blame Someone Else. Yes, it's underhanded, but it usually works with Saruman or Sauron. They will immediately go after the party in question, leaving you free to escape, or negotiate a better outcome for yourself.
Keep in mind that these tactics may or may not work. The severity of the punishment (because you know you're getting punished anyway) is usually contingent on what you did. Obviously, less severe infractions (in-frac-tions) garner a lesser punishment. More severe infractions, more severe punishments. Here's where "blame it on someone else" really works well. Heck, get someone else in trouble for once!

Depending on who you anger will also determine the severity of your punishment.

In the case of Saruman:

  • He's less likely to get angered on Thursdays. So do all your "things that will anger Saruman" on Thursday.
  • If he's too busy playing the "Theoden of Edoras Mimic Expansion Pack" for the Sims 2, he's untouchable. Just do what the heck you feel like. He usually plays the Sims 2 on Mondays.
  • His magic white stick can do some pretty nasty stuff. If he gets the white stick, you're really in trouble!
  • When Saruman talks to the talking bowling ball, he is pretty much oblivious to everything else. He talks to the talking bowling ball on Wednesdays and on Friday mornings.
  • Schedule your infringements for late in the day, toward quitting time. That way Saruman is more likely to shove the issue under the carpet. You'll still have a chance at getting in trouble, but at least you stand a chance of not getting in trouble either.
  • Being sent to your room isn't nearly as bad as you think. Especially since you most likely have a broadband internet connection and digital cable to keep you entertained.
  • The Warg Pits are considered #4 on the "You're Screwed" scale. (On a scale of 1-10. 1 being the lowest level, 10 the highest).
  • Oliphaunt Dung Removal is #14 on the "You're Screwed scale.
  • Saruman usually forgets why you got in trouble after a period of time (especially when he gets trippy or inahles too many magic mushrooms). Your punishment usually ends a few days later. (Unless you're on Olpihaunt Dung Removal duty - that's usually a 3 or 4 week affair).

In the case of Sauron:
  • You're completely and utterly screwed.
More than likely with Sauron, you're dead. He doesn't take much foolishness, so if you manage to anger Sauron, you might as well dig your grave, jump in and have them throw the dirt over you. But it does take a lot to anger Sauron. So angering him in the first place is kind of hard. But if you manage to anger Sauron to begin with, well... just get digging.

In the end, it's best not to anger anyone, let alone Saruman or Sauron. Just go with the flow, and things are fine. If you do per chance get blamed for something or cause an infringement, do your best to act dumd or blame someone else.