Terror on the Anduin!
by Braza Pharalda

Authorities were called to the banks of the Anduin late Wednesday night to aid a party of travelers boating down the Great River. When the authorities arrived the scene was chaotic. Dozens of young women and girls were lined the eastern bank of the river, attempting to stop the boats. The ladies were screaming at the occupants of the boats, throwing flowers and trying to snag the crafts with grappling hooks. Law enforcement officers were able to reach the boaters (who were manfully resisting the pull of the ropes) and get them safely to the western shore.

The account the travellers told the police was one of extreme terror for the men, who were obviously very shaken by the ordeal. The party; which consisted of an elf, a dwarf, two men and four hobbits, was on a camping trip traveling down the Great River to the Falls of Rauros, when they were suddenly accosted by the rampaging women. In addition to the horde on the bank, the party was also assailed by some sort of aircraft stuffed full of the frenzied females. One member of the alarmed party had the presence of mind to fire his weapon on the aircraft, damaging it enough to force it to break off its attack.

Authorities were forced to use rubber bullets and tear gas to disperse the flock of female fanatics who showed no sign of scattering on their own. The party of travelers was taken to an undisclosed location, and it is not known whether they were planning to continue their river journey.

Woofs and Wows of the Third Age

WOOFS
5. Elrond Halfelven
His hair style is completely out dated. Get in the Third Age Elrond! You aren’t at a love-in with Tom Bombadil and his woman and haven’t been for 2500 years. Stop wearing the tent!

4. Gimli
A bath would be a step in the right direction, so would a good set of shears and a barrel of conditioner to work on that hair. Beard jewelry is so Second Age .

3. Gandalf the Grey
I’m sorry to say the "grunge look" has been out of style for an age or two. Add a little bleach to the laundry and do the laundry more often. Small pair of nail clippers with attached nail cleaner would be a good thing to add to your travel pack.

2. Aragorn the Ranger
A good bath, shampoo, deodorant and trip to the laundromat is in order here. Licorice green may be a good color to wear while in the wild, but dark moldy green is not a successful fashion statement, neither is the unwashed look.

1. Saruman of Many Colors
That iridescent look is just so tacky. How can you be a convincing villain when you look like a walking disco ball?

WOWS
5. Faramir, Captain of Ithilian
Very stylish rugged and clean outdoors look. Successfully manly, not mangy.

4. Gandalf the White
Reinventing yourself in your reincarnation worked very well. Nicely color coordinated, including the horse.

3. Eowen, Lady of Rohan
Fighting chic. Wonderfully feminine yet practical for those more intense battles. No chainmail bikinis here!

2. Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood
Classic elven woodland. Wonderfully proportioned hair to outfit balance. Bow and quiver complete the ensemble to perfection.

1. Galadriel, Lady of Light
Absolutely gorgeous antique white lace gown. Flowing, soft, understated elegance. Hair and gown work together and don’t compete for attention.

Local Residents Get Stoned

The Residence at 217 West Trollshaw Ct. was the scene of a gruesome discovery for neighbor Ernie Wilson early Monday night. Mr. Wilson, who came over to borrow a sheep, was terrified to come upon his neighbors; Bert Nelson, Tom Johnson and William Erikson, turned to stone around their cooking fire.

Based of evidence found at the scene, authorities are looking for several small persons with ponies in connection with the petrifaction and apparent robbery at the home. As all the occupants of the home were petrified, authorities are not sure what may have been taken form the scene and warn the public to be on the look out for a large group of small people trying to pawn items, as they should be considered armed and dangerous.

The public is urged to call police investigators with any information or sightings of persons suspected of being involved in this crime. Once again, authorities warn the public not to approach these persons, but to alert the police immediately

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Gobblintown Ruckus
by Urkuma

Area law enforcement agencies continue to warn the public to be on the look out for a dangerous troop of dwarves believed to be heading east through north central Middle Earth. This is thought to be the same gang of dwarves who terrorized the Trollshaw area, petrifying 3 local residents.

The band’s most recent target was the community of Gobblintown Heights in the Misty Mountains. Local law enforcement officers detained the gang for vagrancy and trespassing on the outskirts of town and brought them before the local judge, when they became violent.

Survivors told the Tattler the party of dwarves was in league with a tall ruffian who evaded the initial arrest. This tall hoodlum set off firecrackers and smoke bombs, using the ensuing confusion to attack with the rest of the gang, killing the Chief Justice and several others. The desperados fled the courtroom, seeking the exit to the town and killing any who got in their way.

The terror was not over with their exit, however. Residents had begun to count the casualties and assess the damage to their community when a cry went up from the lower gate. One of the villains had hidden himself, apparently intent on making a little more mischief. He charged the gate keepers and trashed the guard room before making his escape into the surrounding forest.

Obituaries

Gandalf the Grey
(a.k.a. Mithrandir
Grey Wanderer
Grey Pilgrim
Incanus
Tharkun
Olorin)

? to January 14, 3019 T. A. A memorial service will be held at 10:30 a. m., Thursday at Caras Galadon First United. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to "Those Who Wander" fund for Lost Numenorean decedents.

Gandalf is survived by 2 brother wizards; Saruman the White and Radagast the Brown, while the whereabouts of 2 additional brother Wizards are unknown.

Gandalf was quite active in the community as treasurer and clerk for the White Council. He was also a founding member of the Middle Earth Professional Pyrotechnist Association which is a self-monitoring group promoting safety in the use of explosives. He was also on the board of directors of the Gondorian Junior Rangers Boys Club and was an active member of 'Save the Lomelindi', a group dedicated to the preservation of this beautiful songbird.

Gandalf also contributed to the beauty of Middle Earth by founding his own cosmetology school; Enchanting Artistry Beauty College and had recently been developing his own line of skin care products.

He was a member of WADR(Wizards Against Drunk Riding), the Bree-Land Better Business Association, and a past president of the Rohirrim Mearas Fanciers.