Parodies Etc.> Miscellaneous > The Tattler: Issue 11

The Tattler

Issue 11

Elrond's Wild Hair

According to close friends, Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Rivendell has become obsessed with the fear that his hairline is receding. Elrond, who has the typical elven concern for his appearance, began to fret over this perceived flaw soon after the departure to the West of his wife, Celebrian. Psychologists have said that he may be avoiding his grief over being left by his wife.

It is reported that Elrond' s close friends Figwit and Glorfindel have frequently heard Elrond go on about his hair, to the point where both quickly find excuses to leave whenever any mention of hair is made in Elrond's presence.

Elrond' s children have are also getting fed up with their father’s obsession. The twins Elrohir and Elladan have been avoiding their father, saying their long and dangerous trips into the wild are to hunt orcs, but friends of the twins say they have told them that their trips are more to get away from home than to thin the orc population.

Elrond' s daughter Arwen, who has been on an extended trip to her grandmother Galadriel in Lothlorien is said to have similar reasons for her trip. Elrond reportedly kept badgering her for the ‘secrets’ to her thick lustrous hair until she was forced to leave Rivendell to get away from his pestering.

Residents of Rivendell continue to support their leader, but worries about his stability are increasing, and the Tattler wonders if he might benefit from professional counseling.

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Top Rock Songs of the Third Age

The Tattler presents the first half of the top 20 rock songs in Middle Earth for the Third Age as compiled by Wild Rangers Magazine.

20. Smells Like Tween Spirit
Nurquerna

19. Bridge over Troubled Water
Simon and Glorfindel

18. Hotel Cala-cirya
Thoron

17. Light My Fire
Banakil Balrog

16. Oh, Pretty Maiden
The Berens

15. Rhiannon
Fletwood Mac

14. Rohan Man
Elrond John

13. Born to be Wild
Steppenwarg

12. We are the Champions
Last Alliance

11. No One Knows
Queens of the First Age

10. Sympathy for Morgoth
Alak Sarn

9. Westmarch Girls
Pipeweed Boys

8.Andorian Pie
Dol MaLain

7.Gladden Fields Forever
Belegaer

6. Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay (of Belfalas)
Otso Rerir

5. Caras Galadhon Dreamin’
Naneth a Adar

4. Proud Mearas
Lothlann Loudwater Revival

3. Great Balrogs o’ Fire
Gelmir le Lebethron

2. Stairway to Valinor
Leod Zeppelin

1. Beleriand Rapsody
Quenya

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Doctor Elrond answers your questions

Q. I’m a 2714 year old elf and have been noticing pain in my right shoulder for the past few decades. The pain seems to be worse after I style my hair. Could my grooming habits be causing my shoulder pain? S., Mirkwood

A. Dear S. It is very possible the way you’ve been using your grooming tools has aggravated your shoulder to the point of pain. Over use of this kind would be classified as a repetitive stress injury. You should contact a physical therapist who can observe you as you style and help you adjust your techniques to be less stressful on your shoulder.

Q. Dear Elrond, I have been having trouble with an itchy rash on the bark of my trunk for the last 4983 days. The affected area is roughly circular with a diameter of 4 and one half oak leaf lengths. The area seems to be evenly raised and swollen, smooth rather than rough and bumpy. It is not sappy but rather dry looking and the bark is flaking off slightly. As a noted health expert, I was wondering if you could perhaps give me some advice so to the treatment of this rash and some insight to it’s cause. T., Fangorn Forest

A. Dear T. While the treatment of ents is not my specialty, I’d guess that you have some sort of fungal infection. An insect problem would be more likely to produce an oozing and bumpy area. The rash should respond to a topical fungicide which you should be able to find at any good landscaping center or nursery.

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Weekend Party Turns to Trouble
by Pengwending

A weekend party in Lothlorien turned to tragedy as Haldir, a guard of the northern border of Lorien was rushed to the hospital for a drug overdose. The boarder guards, which include Haldir and his brothers Rumil and Orophin, were celebrating the end of their tour of duty and the start of their 3 month furlough with a gathering Saturday night.

Apparently, the food and drink for the party included a large pan of brownies secretly laced with 'the Ganja of Earendil', which is a particularly potent strain of marijuana which is known to be grown in Lothlorien. Rumil told authorities his brother, who is especially fond of chocolate, ate several brownies in a short period of time. Soon after that he began to act strangely, asking where all the dwarves had come from and why the trees were dancing across the lawn singing like hobbit children.

Haldir's brothers became alarmed as he became increasingly distraught and out of control and decided to take him to the emergency room of a nearby hospital. The emergency room personnel were able to restrain Haldir and pump his stomach. Analysis revealed the presence of the drug, so Haldir was kept overnight for observation and the police notified.

After taking statements from the elves at the party, officer Mangweth had this to say; "It looks like this is an example of a prank that got out of hand. People need to think before they play a trick like this. It was really funny until someone got hurt."

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Illness Sweeps Through Ents
By Haf Thorolf

The Methedras Center for Disease Control has released their report on the apparent outbreak of illness among the ents on duty at the Treegarth of Orthanc. Ents at the Treegarth began to report cases of severe intestinal upset about three weeks ago. After careful investigation, the MCDC investigators determined the outbreak occurred soon after the ents were visited by the elf, Lord Elrond and his entourage; which included four hobbits, a number of elves and the wizard Gandalf the White. The group was traveling toward their respective homes from the wedding of Elessar, the High King of Gondor to Lord Elrond’s daughter, Arwen.

At first the MCDC thought the supposed illness was a pathogen carried by the elven party which only affected the ents. After numerous tests which proved inconclusive, the researchers turned their attention to the Orthanc area. The researchers suspected there may have been lingering contamination from the past industrial activities in the area, but no contaminating agents were found.

When these investigations proved fruitless, the MCDC began to press their enquirey into the making of the ents food, the fabled Ent Draught. Over the objections of the ents, who guard the secrets of their draughts quite closely, the MCDC obtained samples of the drink to test. It was then that the investigators began to make inroads into the source of the ents' illness.

The MCDC testing showed there were no discernable toxins or bacterial contamination, but a powerful laxative had been added to the draught. MCDC officials have investigated the equipment and animals used by the travelers, and gathered statements from a majority of the elven party, including Lord Elrond and those living in Rivendell. The hobbits in the party were also investigated and cleared of any wrong doing. The MCDC has not been able to contact Gandalf the White, who was last known to be planning a visit to Tom Bombadil.

"It was that smart-mouthed, dress wearing, twerpy-faced, stupid headed, hoom hum burumba lannamoorumma darunna roomunoonaa Gandalf!" said the Ent Treebeard. "If I ever get my hands on him I will grunnam hunnumona noomoona him into tiny little wizard bits!"

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Wild Frat Party gets out of Hand
by Gharub

University of Morgai public safety officials launched an investigation into the events which led to the massacre at a fraternity party Saturday night. The party took place at Cirth Ungol, home of the Omicron Rho Kappa fraternity. Members of several Greek organizations were at the party celebrating the win of U of M over Orodruin State in the play-offs of the Mordor Conference soccer league when tempers apparently flared.

Though investigators were hampered by a lack of survivors, they have pieced together an account of the events of the evening. It appears the trouble may have begun with a dispute over the winner of a wet T-shirt contest. Members of the Upsilon Rho Chi fraternity, (who have historically not been of friendly terms with ORKs) were disputing the judges decision, charging the judges were biased in favor of the ORK’s entry which seems to have been a small hairy footed individual.

The ORK fraternity has had a notorious history at U of M. Some of their more notable pranks (or vandalisms) include planting a duck call in the signal horn at the Morranon, posting close to 100 ‘For Sale’ signs on the front lawn of Barad-Dur and replacing the water at the rest stations on the plateau of Gorgoth with ginger ale. They were also suspected but never proved to be responsible for adding chemicals to Mt. Doom to color its smoke pink and planting several hundred daffodils and tulips along the road to Minas Morgul.

There has been bad feelings between the two fraternities after the URCh house was covered in fluorescent smiley faces and flowers. It must, however, be said no one has ever been caught in connection with this incident, though the URChs remain convinced the ORKs were responsible.

Authorities were alerted to trouble when a security alarm went off which was not reset as it would have been if it were to be accidentally set off by a frat member. Upon arrival, security officers found the entire gathering dead or dying. At first security believed there had been an attack by elves or men. Further investigation led officers to conclude the mass murder was the result of the continuing friction between the two fraternities.

Spoksorc for the Office of the Chancellor of Schools had this to say: "The Chancellor, Lord Sauron, is extremely upset over this incident and has done in several school administrators. Them fellas are sure lucky they done each other in, or else He would’a had ‘em squealin' like baby pigs in his dungeons."

A campus security officer who wished to remain nameless commented: "It's kinda a relief ter have'em all gone. They was just about the biggest idiots I ever seen."

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Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org