Parodies Etc.>Parodies: FOTR > Stories with the Fellowship - FOTR
Stories with the Fellowship - FOTR
ELROND: Hello boys and girls. I didn’t see you there. Welcome to stories with the fellowship. My name is Elrond. I am an irritated elf. This is the story of how mean, nasty Mr. Sauron, who is even more mean than insert your least favourite person’s name here was defeated. Can you believe that?
ADORABLE CHILDREN: Surely not. Oh. My. The horror. Eeek.
ELROND: Why, who could this be coming down the corridor. Hear his clomping boots. Smell his rugged manliness. See his big shiny sword. Why it must be Strider!
ENTER ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Oh, hello Elrond! What are you doing with that book?
ELROND: Why, I am telling these children the story of how you helped Frodo and Gandalf and all the other insignificant characters save the day!
ARAGORN: Of course, I am a hero. Much more so than Frodo, who just bore the ring to Mordor, or Sam who only helped him: I can look good with a sword! And I’m more manly and tough than Legolas, who washes like a sissy, and uses scented soap and conditioner. I am so much sexier!
ELROND: Um… do you get the feeling someone loves himself a little too much? These creepy fu-
PARODY AUTHOR: Remember Elrond; this is a toddler’s show!
ARAGORN: So, what shall I do?
ELROND: Can you stay and listen?
ARAGORN: I don’t know. Do you think I should stay and listen Elrond?
ELROND: I don’t know. Do you think you should stay and listen Aragorn?
ARAGORN: I don’t know. Do you think I sh-?
CHILDREN: We don’t know and we don’t care!
ELROND: I know! We’ll call Gandalf and ask him! Gandalf…”
GANDALF FROM OFF: Get on with it!
PARODY AUTHOR: Yes, and stick to the script!
ELROND: But…
CHILDREN: GET ON WITH IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARAGORN: Well…
PARODY AUTHOR: That’s it. I’m terminating this conversation.
RIVENDELL (2 HOURS LATER, AFTER A STERN TELLING OFF FROM THE PARODY AUTHOR, AND A LINE REHEARSAL)
The fellowship, the elves of Rivendell and Bilbo are all gathered round Elrond, cross-legged. Aragorn has his arm round Arwen. Sam has his arm round Frodo. Frodo is desperately trying to shake it off without drawing attention to him. Gimli has fallen asleep. The camera zooms in to a close up of Elrond’s face.
ELROND: Okay, now that everyone is here, we can begin. Now children, our little tale begins a long time ago, before your Granny’s were born.
(Opens book)
FLASHBACK
ELROND: Once upon a time, there were three…
CHILDREN: Oooh, I know this one! There were three bears, and…
ELROND: Rings.
CHILDREN: Are you sure they weren’t bears?
ELROND: Positive.
CHILDREN: 100%?
ELROND: Shows the children Vilya.
Does this look like a bear to you?
CHILDREN: Stressy!
ELROND: The elves made three rings, rings of knowledge, healing and happiness. The dark lord Sauron made some more rings, however. Seven he gave to the short people, more generally known as dwarves. Nine he gave to the silly men, who then became…EVIL!
CHILDREN: Imagine our surprise.
ELROND: But in secret, nasty Mr. Sauron made another ring, which was the worst ring of all, and it was his source of power and nastiness. And he made plans to make himself in charge, and turn the world into…EVIL!
CHILDREN: What is it with you and that word?
ELROND: But a lot of people got narked about his idea for taking over the world, so they all fought him.
Scenes of Mordor flash back. Sauron has a big mace.
Elendil: Die Sauron!
Sauron: No, you die!
Elendil dies.
Sauron: Who’s your Daddy?
Isildur: Not you, cos you killed him! Thwack!
Sauron goes BANG! His ring falls off.
Isildur: Oooh! Shiny ring!
Elrond: Stupid man! Come and get rid of it in the fiery pit of lava.
Isildur: Screw you, it’s mine! Go get your own evil ring of doom,
Pointy ears!
ELROND: I never forgot that comment. Fat twit…
GANDALF: Um…Elrond? The children…
ELROND: Oh, yes, well, anyway, Isildur fell under the spell of the pretty shiny ring, and he was shot by orcs. The ring fell under the water, until a freaky thing called Smeagol got it. He turned into Gollum when he developed a multiple personality disorder…
LEGOLAS: A what?
ARAGORN: Sigh. It means he talked to himself a lot, Legsie.
CHILDREN: Yeah, even Pippin knew that!
PIPPIN: What? I wasn’t listening.
ELROND: ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING! Thank you. Like I was saying, children, and Legolas; Gollum lost the ring when the most unlikely creature imaginable picked it up. Can you guess who it could be? I wonder!
CHILDREN: Hmm, could it possibly be BILBO?
ELROND: Amazingly, it was… Bilbo Baggins!
CHILDREN: Well, shock and horror, we never saw that coming!
LEGOLAS: I know, nor did I!
Gimli mumbles something about those ‘idiotic elves’ under his breath, but as he is in an elven house and surrounded by powerful Elf lords, wisely decides not to mention it out load. Then he decides to say it anyway, and incurs the wrath of the council.
PARODY AUTHOR: People, please! Stick to the script! I mean, we’re not even onto the Shire yet and already we’re 3 pages in! The children are developing issues! We’ve had threatening letters! You leave me no option; I will… make Celeborn give a lecture on his favourite hobby-turnip collecting! Thenyou’ll know why he’s so quiet all the time!
ALL: NoooOOOoooo! We’ll be good, promise!
PARODY AUTHOR: Then be quiet!
ALL: sulk
ELROND: So, anyhow a load of boring stuff happened and the ring is sleeping, and in the shire something is about to happen that will shape the future of middle earth.
CHILDREN: But you’re not going to tell us what it is.
ELROND: No.
CHILDREN: Please?
ELROND: You’ll just have to wait, boys and girls.
LEGOLAS: Ahem!
ELROND: And Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Thank you!
PARODY AUTHOR: There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now be quiet and wait until it’s your part again. Right, onto the story!
CHILDREN (who by now have got so annoyed they want to kill everyone, and some have abandoned their dreams of being astronauts or pop stars and have decided their future lies in homicide. But most are asleep): Finally!
THE SHIRE
Frodo is sitting under a big tree.
ELROND (v.o): He hears a hum. Who could it be? Hear his song of travelling. Smell his cart of fireworks. See his pointy hat and magic staff. Why, it must be Gandalf!
GANDALF: Hello children. And Legolas.
CHILDREN: (In a bored voice) Hello old weird guy with an odd dress sense. Why have you come into our lives?
GANDALF: Um…I don’t know. So I’ll just start chuckling in a knowing way instead. Ha ha ha.
FRODO: Ha ha ha.
BAG END
GANDALF: Oh look, it’s a sign that says ‘DO NOT DISTURB’. I better go disturb him then.
BILBO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Bilbo! You’re even shorter than Frodo! Why do all your family names end in o?
BILBO: Would you like some eggs?
GANDALF: No. Why has your ceiling shrunk?
BILBO: I can’t wait for my holiday! Look, here’s the brochure for my hotel!
GANDALF: Reads leaflet: ‘ Imladris Spa. Come drop in on the last homely house and make yourself welcome! With live entertainment every night, new and old faces including the Dunedain, Istari and Elves dropping in all the time, and healing performed by Master Elrond himself, you’ll never want to leave (unless of course we decide to send you on a perilous quest!)’ I thought you wanted to go to Ibiza!
BILBO: Ah well. Let’s go boogie on down!
THE PARTY
Everyone has fun, and we are introduced to this depressing film’s only comic relief, Merry and Pippin. Bilbo makes a speech, but right at the end…
ELROND (v.o): Can you guess what happened next, boys and girls? He was fingering the ring that could make him disappear, and then…
CHILDREN: What could possibly have happened?
ELROND (v.o): He disappeared!
CHILDREN: We never could have guessed.
ELROND (v.o): Why must you criticise everything I do?
Elrond bursts into tears and sobs into Gandalf’s shoulder. Arwen gets uptight because her Daddy is embarrassing her in front of her boyfriend again, and runs out in a huff. Aragorn shrugs and runs after her. They won’t be back for a while! Meanwhile the hobbits have run off to explore the house in search of food, because they all missed second breakfast! Oh shock, sorrow and pain. The dwarves and the elves have gone off somewhere to kill each other. Legolas has taken his book ‘The Orc in the Snorkel’ and his pink nail polish and gone to find some tree to sit in whilst listening to old Spice Girls Records, and Boromir has gone to stare at the picture of Isildur and Sauron again, or possibly try to attack Aragorn. No one knows, and to be frank, no one cares. The parody author is giving the children a strict telling off for getting Elrond emotional, as they know he has PMS, and Bilbo has decide to go for a pee in the bushes. In the end Elrond decides to take time out and go chat to Galadriel on TIM (Telepathy Instant Messenger)
Elrond: Calling Galadriel.
Galadriel: Wat do u want?
Elrond: They’re bein mean 2 me! :(
And so on.
Once the pink fluffy handcuffs with which Arwen locked him to his bed had been removed, Aragorn is happy to take up where Elrond left off. Suddenly Arwen (and Legolas) seem much more interested in the tale…
BAG END (AGAIN)
GANDALF: That was very stupid, Bilbo. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Do you think he was stupid, children?
CHILDREN: Why? Do tell.
GANDALF: Because…he used his magic ring!
CHILDREN: Oh, dear god no.
GANDALF: Give the ring to Frodo.
BILBO: No!
GANDALF: Bilbo Baggins, I said to leave it!
BILBO: But I don’t want to!
GANDALF: Don’t MESS ME AROUND BILBO!!!!!!
BILBO: Aaaaah! Ok, fine, keep your silly ring. I don’t want it anyway.
Bilbo turns to go. He opens the door and takes a step out.
GANDALF: Bilbo, you didn’t give it to me. It’s in your pocket.
BILBO: Oh. (Mumbles) Poo face.
GANDALF: Bilbo! You said a naughty word. That’s the worst word you can say, isn’t it children.
CHILDREN: Poor Gandalf. So naïve.
GANDALF: Bad Bilbo! Oh, naughty, wicked Bilbo! Give me the ring, go away and never return!
The scary heartbeat soundtrack plays. Bilbo drops the ring on the tiles and leaves, humming:
The parody goes ever on and on,
Down from the sentence where it began…
Gandalf notices the ring and bends down to pick it up.
EYE OF SAURON: Boo! Ha, I am soo scary! I see you!
GANDALF: Oh. Sh-.
RIVENDELL
Aragorn smiles at the camera.
ARAGORN: So children, Gandalf has realised something. I wonder what it could be?
CHILDREN: Mum, can we go home? His smile is freaking me out. Plus he smells.
ARAGORN: Well, since Mr. Elrond isn’t back yet, I’ll carry on telling the story.
CHILDREN: Could you speed it up a little? Only I’d like to get home sometime this millennium.
SOMEWHERE IN THE SHIRE
FRODO: So, you’re saying that my ring is actually the bad ring that can destroy the world.
GANDALF: Precisely. And the Ringwraiths are trying to steal it so that mean Mr. Sauron can take over the world. They are dead and they want to make you dead too. You must go to Bree and I will meet you there. I must go somewhere and be elusive.
FRODO: Can’t you come with us?
GANDALF: Somewhere ELSE!
FRODO: And Sam is here WHY?
GANDALF: I thought you could use the company.
Gandalf gets on his horse and gallops away.
Later on they run into Merry and Pippin.
MERRY: Hi children, remember us?
PIPPIN: Yeah, we’re the comic relief!
Then they see a terrifying… swirl of leaves!
FRODO: I don’t know why, but we have to get off the road now!
They all hide underneath a tree. Suddenly they see a nazgul in a black cloak riding on a black horse!
SAM: Black riders!
CHILDREN: State the obvious, why don’t you?
LEGOLAS (v.o): Yeah, that’s my job!
FRODO: We have to get to Bree!
MERRY: The ferry, I have a day pass!
SAM: But Mr. Frodo is still having an emotional fit! I must hold his hand until he’s better!
FRODO: No, Sam, I’m better now. And that wasn’t my hand you were touching.
SAM: Oh. Are you sure you don’t need mouth to mouth, or maybe something more?
FRODO: I’m fine Sam!
ISENGARD
Gandalf rides up a road to a big black tower. On the way he sees lots of orcs all bearing the white hand of Saruman.
GANDALF: Hmm, he must be capturing orcs in order to help us in the fight against evil.
RANDOM ORCS: All hail Sauron, friend and ally of Saruman!
GANDALF: Not listening! Saruman is nice!
SARUMAN: Hello Gandalf! Let’s all go inside and join Sauron, like I have.
GANDALF: My friend, I need your help to defeat Sauron.
SARUMAN: Um…I work for him?
GANDALF: I know I can trust you…
SARUMAN: You know I am evil now.
GANDALF: I have found the one ring.
SARUMAN: Did I say evil? Come inside and give it to me, friend. By the way, do you like my outfit? It’s many different colours woven together.
GANDALF: You are evil! No one good would possibly wear that ensemble!
SARUMAN: Oh, well then, I was going to beg and give you tea and cakes but now I’m going to lick all the icing off your buns. And then after we’ve finished teatime I’m going to attack you.
There is a fight in the style of the matrix, with lots of slow motion attacks. Gandalf loses by a technicality, namely that Saruman steals his big sticky thing.
SARUMAN: Ha! Now you must…
GANDALF: Let me guess, die?
SARUMAN: No, fly up to the ceiling. Bye bye!
BREE
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin head for The Prancing Pony. Barliman Butterbur, the innkeeper, tells them that Gandalf has not been seen for 6 months. They go to a table and decide to have a drink.
MERRY: Let’s have a pint!
PIPPIN: Pints? Pints? Hurray for pints, let’s all have a pint! Yay pints!
FRODO: Well, you know what they say. Little things…
SAM: That guy in the corner is looking at you funny. I’m the only one allowed to do that.
BUTTERBUR: He’s one of them rangers, dangerous folk they are. Round here he’s known as Strider.
MERRY: Um, who asked you?
FRODO: Strider…
SAM: Oh no, he fancies someone else!
Strider is staring at Frodo from beneath his hood. Frodo is staring back. Suddenly…
PIPPIN: Oh yes, I know Frodo Baggins. In fact, I’ll just tell you all about the ring and make sure that the nazgul definitely find us and kill us!
FRODO: No, Pip you idiot! I’ll just throw the ring up into the air to make sure it’s completely seen, and then put it on and disappear!
Strider sits up when he sees the ring and stares at Frodo.
EYE OF SAURON: I SEE YOU!
FRODO: Aaaaah!
Frodo takes off the ring. Strider is straight in front of him, and he screams again.
FRODO: Aaaaah!
STRIDER: Oh shut up!
Frodo is dragged upstairs and Strider snuffs the candle and shuts the door.
STRIDER: So, you have the ring.
FRODO: Um… no?
STRIDER: Do I look stupid?
FRODO: Well it might help if I could actually see what you look like.
ARAGORN (v.o): So Strider took of his hood and behold! He was rugged and manly and gorgeous, and his stubble was so manly he reeked of dirt and testosterone. But mostly testosterone.
ALL: SHUT UP, YOU ARE NOT SEXY ARAGORN!
PARODY AUTHOR: Well, actually I happen to think…
CHILDREN: SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!
PARODY AUTHOR: Fine. Proceed.
STRIDER: So, Frodo…are you frightened?
FRODO: Yes.
STRIDER: Oh. Are you sure?
FRODO: You kidding? I’m terrified.
STRIDER: Well, you aren’t frightened enough!
The other hobbits burst in!
SAM: Unhand my love you fiend!
STRIDER: Your…love?
SAM: Did I say love?
STRIDER: Fear not! I am a friend of Gandalf’s and I am going to take you to Rivendell. That is, if you’ll let me. What say you?
FRODO: Uh…sure. Whatever
STRIDER: Woohoo!
The nazgul arrive at the inn and pass into the bedrooms.
ARAGORN (v.o): Look away kiddies, this is scary!
CHILDREN: Ever seen The Ring? That’s scary. The Lord Of The Rings, that’s not scary.
NAZGUL: STABBY STAB!
They pull back the covers and realise that they have been duped!
NAZGUL: SHRIEKY SHRIEK!
ARAGORN: Let’s go!
WEATHERTOP
SAM: Where’s that?
STRIDER: Where?
SAM: That big hill with the building on top.
STRIDER: That is Amun Sul, one of the great watchtowers of the old west.
SAM: How do you know that?
STRIDER: Because I am one of the Dunedain, the exiled kings of Gondor and Arnor. Estel, I was called. Yea verily, am I Aragorn son of Arathorn –
SAM: Gees, I didn’t ask for your life story, smelly.
STRIDER: Grrr…
They reach the hilltop and find a little nook in the side of the hill. Strider, still miffed about being snubbed by a fat stupid hobbit that he is trying to protect, decides to wander off and brood over the fact that his love is being prevented from seeing him by her pissy father, under the pretence of gathering firewood.
Frodo wakes up.
FRODO: What are you doing?
MERRY: We’re making tomatoes, sausages and nice crispy bacon!
FRODO: You fools! Now I’m going to shout and make the light flicker so as to announce to the world that we are here!
ALL: Frodo, you are not Pippin! Stop doing stupid things!
WITCHKING: SHRIEKY SHRIEK!
FRODO: Quick, to the top!
They run to the very top of Weathertop and stand back to back. They are all thrown aside in favour of Frodo, as always.
MERRY: Oh no! He’s surrounded!
FRODO: Oh no! I’m surrounded!
Oh no! Frodo is surrounded!
The Witchking, lord of the nazgul, stabs Frodo. Frodo is in agony, particularly as he PUT THE RING ON!
Suddenly…(why does everything always happen suddenly?)
Strider appears, holding a burning branch. He kicks SERIOUS nazgul butt!
STRIDER: Frodo!
SAM: Frodo!
MERRY: Frodo!
PIPPIN: Turnips!
MERRY: What?!
PIPPIN: I don’t know, I just felt like being dramatic.
STRIDER: This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs elvish medicine. Sam?
SAM: What?
STRIDER: Do you know athelas?
SAM: Athewhat?
STRIDER: Ath-e-las. A-T-H-E-L-A-S. Sometimes called kingsfoil.
SAM: Oh, it’s a fish.
STRIDER: No, a plant, but that works too. It may help to stop him becoming an EVIL guy.
SAM: You go find some then, I’m staying with Frodo.
STRIDER: Why do I bother?
Aragorn finds some in the wood. What are the chances of that? Anyhow, just as he gets out his knife to cut it off the bush, a sword touches his neck. He touches his sword and turns to fight but…
ARWEN: Hi honey! Surprise!
STRIDER: You know, most people give flowers or at least cards for birthdays, not swords cutting their throats! And where’s Glorfindel?
(Spots leg sticking out of bush)
ARWEN: (quickly, standing in front of the bush) Glor who? I’m here to save the day. (Kicks bush)
Back with Frodo…
ARWEN (cont.): Hello Frodo. See my amazing back lighting and come back to the light.
STRIDER: He’s doomed.
A pile of stuff that is not in the book happens, but the important bit is that the nazgul are all washed away and Frodo goes out of consciousness.
ELROND: Hear my voice, and be healed!
He is healed.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN ISENGARD…
Gandalf sees a moth, and he catches it.
MOTH: Aaaaah! Let me go! Please, let me go and I’ll bring you an army of Eagles to save you three times in your life! I’ll bring one to save you now!
GANDALF: Ok.
SARUMAN: I said you must bow to the ring or die.
GANDALF: Um, how about NO!
MOTH: Back like I promised!
Gandalf jumps onto the back of an eagle and flies away.
SARUMAN: Well, fine then, fine. See if I care. (Starts sobbing) Oh, why do all my friends keep leaving me?
RIVENDELL
FRODO: I’m alive? I’m alive!
SAM: Yes master, and we’re all very happy, aren’t we children?
CHILDREN: Wha? Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. (They go back to sleep)
GANDALF: And this is Elrond, who saved your life, and his daughter Arwen, who brought you here.
ELROND: Elrond is actually smiling!! Welcome to Rivendell, Master Baggins. By the way, have you seen Glorfindel lately?
ARWEN: Oh, I’m pretty sure he said something about going away and never returning.
ELROND: Oh, ok.
They find Bilbo under a tree.
BILBO: Hello children, remember me?
FRODO: Bilbo!
Meanwhile, Aragorn and Arwen FINALLY get some time to themselves.
ARAGORN: If we talk in Elvish, no one will notice that we are actually having an argument, and they will think that we are happy, and can be in love without restraints.
ARWEN: Here is a shiny necklace, which somehow, though it has no resemblance to the jewel in the book, is tied to me.
ARAGORN: Wow, it is shiny!
Inside…
BOROMIR: I’ll just be rude about the sword that Aragorn feels passionately about, so that we can have some nice little tension throughout the movie.
ARAGORN: I am afraid of the weakness in my blood.
ARWEN: Stop being a wimp!
ELROND: Whom will you turn to when the elves are gone, for the ring cannot stay here?
GANDALF: It is in men that we must place our trust.
ELROND: Men? Men are weak. There is no strength left in men, they are leaderless.
GANDALF: There is one who is brave and true, one who could unite the men. One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor?
ELROND: He has turned from that path. He has chosen exile. But I’m going to make who it is sound like a secret even though it is really obvious.
Big shot of Aragorn, filling the screen.
CHILDREN, WHO AS ELROND HAS COME BACK TO READ THE STORY, HAVE DECIDED TO WAKE UP AND PISS HIM OFF
AGAIN: Oh, I wonder who that could be?
THE COUNCIL
ELROND: So, for the benefit of Gimli, who has just at last woken up, I will go over what we have decided AGAIN. We have decided that this is indeed the One Ring, and that…
BOROMIR: Why not use this ring?
ARAGORN: You cannot, it is…EVIL!
BOROMIR: Yeah, well, what do you know? You smell.
LEGOLAS: He does not merely smell. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of Gondor.
BOROMIR: Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king, particularly not one who smells like (sniffs) God, is that perfume?
LEGOLAS: It is the very best perfume, thank you! It’s designer, ‘ A touch of Mirkwood. ’ I gave it to Arwen myself!
Elrond sits up and glares at Aragorn.
ARAGORN: Sit down, Legolas! Before you get me killed by my girlfriends Dad!
ELROND: So, we are in agreement that the ring must be taken to Mount Doom and destroyed!
FRODO: I will do it, even though I just made a big fuss about being ready to go home.
ELROND: What do you think children? Shall I send him?
CHILDREN: Yes, send them all to certain death, before you send US into a coma!
ELROND: Then you shall go. But nine companions there shall be, to match the nazgul. Now how many more are there to go children? We have one. What is 9-1?
LEGOLAS: Oh, oh! I know this one. Now let’s see, um…
CHILDREN: How stupid do you think we are?
LEGOLAS: Um…now, 1+1 is two, and 9 x 1 is 9, so…
CHILDREN: Oh. That stupid.
LEGOLAS: So, then you subtract the 1, and borrow from 10, no that’s wrong as well…
CHILDREN: 8! 8! For crying out loud, you need 8 more!
ELROND: That’s right, but well done for trying Legolas. So we shall send eight more with you. Aragorn shall go, because I am sick of him hitting on my daughter, and it is incredibly unlikely that any of you shall survive.
ARAGORN: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. But preferably by my life, as I want to get back here to my Arwen.
ELROND: Grrr.
ARAGORN: I mean, I want to get back to my…um…I’ll shut up now.
ELROND: I will also-
ARAGORN: Yet I will die to keep you safe Frodo, for I do not fear death.
Gandalf gives an’ I told you so!’ glance to Elrond. Elrond is determined not to notice.
ELROND: I will also send Legolas of the Elves and Gimli for the dwarves. Gandalf shall go to protect you, and Boromir will go to continue the dramatic tension between him and Aragorn. As for the other 3…
LEGOLAS: 8!
ELROND: No, Legolas, there are three others needed.
LEGOLAS: No, I worked out the sum. If Frodo has been chosen and you need 9 companions, you need 8 more!
ELROND: Yes, well, thank you. Anyhow, for the other three I will choose someone from my own house…
SAM: No, wait! I must go, for I cannot be parted from Mr. Frodo!
ELROND: And the other two hobbits must go why?
SAM: I don’t know, they aren’t with me.
ELROND: (Sigh) So be it. You are the fellowship of the ring!
Cue dramatic music to fade.
ELROND (v.o): And so the fellowship was formed. And Bilbo gave to Frodo at their parting a coat of mithril, strong but light, and an elvish blade known as Sting. And when orcs were near the blade of that sword didst glow blue. Isn’t that nice children? A pretty blue sword.
THE ONE ANNOYING IDIOT AT THE BACK: Light sabre!
ELROND: Or not. And throughout the entire story the fellowship were together in soul, if not in body.
CHILDREN: What the hell does that mean?
ELROND (v.o): How should I know? I just read the story, I don’t write it. And so the fellowship began their journey to Mordor, and the rings destruction.
THE JOURNEY
GIMLI: Let’s go to Moria!
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Or not. Let’s attack Boromir!
BOROMIR: Aaaaah!
LEGOLAS: Oh no, a load of birdies!
SARUMAN (from Orthanac): Fly my pretties, fly fly, Ha-ha!
ARAGORN: Hide!
GIMLI: Let’s go to Moria!
GANDALF: Or not. We will take the pass of Caradrhas.
LEGOLAS: Ha, I can walk on snow! Pathetic mortals!
SARUMAN (from Orthanac): Avalanche time!
GIMLI: Let’s go to Moria!
SARUMAN (from Orthanac): Shut up Gimli!
GANDALF: Frodo, I’ll put the pressure on you. Shall we go to Moria?
FRODO: Sure, th-th-th-this p-place is f-f-freezing!
GIMLI: Let’s go to-
ALL: SHUT UP GIMLI!
MORIA
MONSTER THING: I’ve got Frodo, nya nya!
ARAGORN: Give him back, he’s mine!
SAM: Mine!
ARAGORN: Whatever!
The monster gets its butt kicked. Another fantastic attack by Aragorn.
GANDALF: I said OPEN YOU MOTHER F*$%&#@ DOOR!
FRODO: Gandalf. It’s a riddle, Duh!
The fellowship pile inside. Gimli is being annoying, as usual.
GIMLI: Soon we will be with all the other dwarves.
BOROMIR: Um, Gimli, all the other dwarves seem rather, um, dead.
GIMLI: Noooo!
Frodo spots Gollum moving around. He has a conversation with Gandalf about justice and killing things.
GANDALF: Look, Dwarrowdelf!
ALL (except Legolas): Wow!
GIMLI: See, isn’t it fantastic, Mr. Elf!
LEGOLAS: I’ve seen better than this before.
GIMLI: Look, orcs. Hi- mmph!
ALL: SHUT UP GIMLI!
There is another fight, and all the orcs and a cave troll die. The fellowship escape but are quickly surrounded again. Then a light appears, and the orcs flee. The fellowship run to the bridge of Khazad-dum. All get across except Gandalf who stands and bars the bridge.
GANDALF: It’s a Balrog!
BALROG: Boo!
GANDALF: You shall not pass. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge cracks under the Balrog’s weight and it goes tumbling down into the darkness. Gandalf turns to leave but is stopped by the Balrog’s whip.
GANDALF: I may be suspended across a large gap, which holds only certain death, but I am still going to insult you all. Fly you fools!
ELROND (v.o): And with that Gandalf went tumbling into the abyss, never to be seen again!
ALL: Boohoo sob sob.
CHILDREN: Oh per lease!
ARAGORN: I will lead you now. Run!
OUTSIDE (AT LAST!)
ARAGORN: Stop crying, you can cry later. We make for the woods of Lothlorien.
LOTHLORIEN
GIMLI: There is a powerful sorceress in these woods. She ensnares innocent dwarves, and all who look upon her fall under spell. I will not be caught, I am very quiet and very – Aaaaah!
HALDIR: This dwarf is very loud, so loud we could have shot him in the dim light.
PARODY AUTHOR: Um, it sounds better to say dark, Haldir. We could have shot him in the dark.
HALDIR: Humph, everyone’s a critic!
ARAGORN: We need your protection, Haldir.
HALDIR: The lady of the wood desires to speak with y- Legolas! Is that you? Oh I just love the tortured tough look on you, darling!
LEGOLAS: I know! I see you finally decided to ditch the dreadlocks and go for long blonde. Which dye are you using? I use Number…
LEGOLAS AND HALDIR TOGETHER: 56! Jinx!
HALDIR: I know, I thought I looked dead gorgeous! I borrowed Galadriel’s mirror, and I just knew I was sexy!
PARODY AUTHOR: Oh no, I knew I shouldn’t have let Haldir into my parody. He’s going to be trouble! Yo, Haldir! Boys, the story?
HALDIR: Oh, yeah, Galadriel wants to see you. Back at her place.
BACK AT HER PLACE
GALADRIEL: Where is Gandalf?
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: No, don’t tell me. He has fallen into shadow.
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Rest here tonight, for you are weary with sorrow.
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Excuse my husband he’s always asleep. Celeborn!!
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Yo, darling. The tree is on fire!
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Oh look, Varda!
CELEBORN: Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Celeborn honey, an interestingly shaped turnip!
CELEBORN: (wakes up) Where?!
Galadriel sighs and turns to them all, talking to them inside their heads
.
GALADRIEL (via telepathy): You bring great evil here, Frodo of the shire.
CELEBORN (via telepathy): Zzzzz.
GALADRIEL: Celeborn!! Stop messing with their heads, that’s my job!
CELEBORN: (snigger)
The fellowship is led to a nice place to sleep in.
LEGOLAS: I lamented Gandalf.
ARAGORN: Did you? That’s nice.
BOROMIR: I heard voices in my head. And not the ones I usually hear. I heard her speak of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said it would happen…
CHILDREN: If we’re lucky.
BOROMIR: …Unless the company remains true. Have you seen the white city, Aragorn?
ARAGORN: Yes, about 50 years ago.
BOROMIR: Boy granddad, you’re old.
ARAGORN: Well you did ask!
BOROMIR: I’ve decided to try to steal the ring from Frodo.
CHILDREN: Duh, we knew that, like, ages ago!
Galadriel leads Frodo to the mirror and pours water in.
GALADRIEL: Will you look in?
FRODO: Ok.
Frodo looks in. H e sees 100 things, but we will just repeat the clean ones. No.100: The Eye.
GALADRIEL: Here is a star in a bottle to stop evil. You know what you must do. Goodbye!
THE FELLOWSHIP: Goodbye!
ANDUIN
The fellowship starts to row down the river in elvish boats. The Uruk-Hai of Saruman are running alongside on the bank.
LEGOLAS: Uruk-Hai!
ARAGORN: We know, Legsie.
SAM: I hate boats. Why did it have to be boats? Why not horses, or surfboards or even camels? Anything but boats!
ARAGORN: Look Frodo. Some pillars of dead kings that I am distantly related to. They are called the Argonath.
FRODO: Do I look like I care? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m busy looking tormented and yet cute as well. It takes a lot of hard work.
ARAGORN: Why do I bother?
LEGOLAS: We cross the lake now.
ARAGORN: Um, who’s leading this fellowship? You? I don’t think so! We cross at nightfall.
LEGOLAS: Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you if Boz dies from an Uruk- Hai attack.
ARAGORN: Whatever. Hey, where’s Frodo gone?
WHERE FRODO’S GONE
Frodo is standing by a big stone head in a wood full of trees. He is collecting firewood. Boromir comes out of the forest with firewood as well. I t is soooooooooooo obvious what he is about to try and do.
BOROMIR: None of us should be alone.
FRODO: I like my privacy.
BOROMIR: You know I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. You know I just hate it when you’ve got somebody in your face, and you try to give them a hint but they won’t leave. And then there’s that big awkward silence you know…
There is a big awkward silence.
…Or maybe you don’t.
FRODO: I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart. And in my common sense which is screaming, ‘ Don’t trust Boz Frodo! Don’t trust him!’
BOROMIR: Warning? What chance do you think you have? They will find you and take the ring. And you will beg for oranges before the end!
ALL:!?
PARODY AUTHOR: Boromir!
BOROMIR: Fine, whatever. And you will beg for death before the end! It was not yours save by a happy chance.
CHILDREN: Happy! Happy? Can’t you see his adorable tormented face? DOES THAT LOOK HAPPY TO YOU?
BOROMIR: Will you all just get off my back?
ELROND (v.o): I know just how he feels.
CHILDREN: Shut up.
ELROND (v.o): Yes sirs.
BOROMIR: Ahem? Oscar winning performance being interrupted here?
CHILDREN: Sure, go ahead.
BOROMIR: It should have been mine! It should be mine! Give it to me. Give me the ring!
FRODO: NoooOOOoooo!
BOROMIR: Oh, I’m sorry Frodo. Come back, please, I won’t hurt you.
FRODO: Ok Boz, forgive and forget.
BOROMIR: Aha! Give me the ring!
FRODO: Whoops! Gotta go!
BOROMIR: What have I done? And this time I mean it.
CHILDREN: Yeah, whatever. It’s the man who cried “Warg!” once too often.
BOROMIR: Drat.
YET ANOTHER BATTLE
Frodo enters the scary ring world again, only to once again see… the Eye of Sauron! What a surprise! He finally manages to take it off and falls off the seat of Amun Hen. Then Aragorn comes up behind him and attempts to appear threatening. Non-surprisingly, as with the beginning of the film, no one believes him, No one is remotely afraid.
ARAGORN: Where is the ring?
FRODO: Aaaaah!
ARAGORN: You wimp! Ha, you should see the look on your face! I will not take it from you, I swore to protect you. Besides, Arwen wouldn’t date me if I were …EVIL!
FRODO: I am going away now. By myself. No one must come with me. (Wistful sigh) (Hint hint!!)
ARAGORN: Okay. No, wait! Your blade is blue, and yet there are no orcs around.
FRODO: Er, Strider…
ARAGORN: (Sigh) There’s an army of Uruk-Hai behind me, isn’t there.
FRODO: Uh huh.
ARAGORN: Run. (Thwack! Smack! Crack!)
CHILDREN: One against ten thousand. You have to feel sorry for them really.
Legolas and Gimli run in.
CHILDREN: And this is so unbearably cruel. NSPCU! National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Uruk-Hai!
BOROMIR: Blow! Blow!
LEGOLAS: The horn of Gondor!
ALL: WE KNOW LEGOLAS!
BOROMIR: Uh, guys? A LITTLE HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED!
Boromir is pierced by an arrow through the shoulder, but still carries on fighting. Incredibly annoyed, Lurtz the chief Uruk-Hai shoots him again.
BOROMIR: Nooooo! I must fight! I don’t know why, but I will anyway!
LURTZ: You could have died painlessly, but no, you had to be a pain in the-
BOROMIR (as he is pierced by a third arrow): Ouch!
LURTZ: What? Why won’t you die? Oh well, I’m going to shoot you now.
ARAGORN: Not on my watch!
More fighting. Lurtz dies.
ARAGORN: Boromir!
BOROMIR: It is over. The world will fall and we will all die. So I shall die now, and the white city shall fall.
CHILDREN: Stop being so cheerful, we’ll think you aren’t taking this seriously.
ARAGORN: I won’t let that happen.
BOROMIR: My brother…
ARAGORN: Oh god, here he goes.
BOROMIR: My captain…
ARAGORN: (cough) Drama queen!
BOROMIR: My king!
ARAGORN: Yeah! You deserve a kiss for that.
LEGOLAS: Bi-atch! He will be mine now Boz is dead! Well, he can’t say I didn’t warn him.
THE RIVER
Frodo is rowing across the river in a boat.
SAM: No, Mr. Frodo, wait! You can’t go to Mordor without a gardener! What if you need some gardening done?
FRODO: Oh, very well.
LEGOLAS: Hurry, Frodo and Sam have reached the Eastern Shore!
ARAGORN: We will go and find Merry and Pippin and take out our anger on some orcs. But first, shoulder squeezes time!
GIMLI: Yay!
EMYN MUIL
SAM: Don’t be upset Mr. Frodo. It’s just certain doom, nothing that terrible.
FRODO: Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.
SAM: Let’s go.
RIVENDELL
ELROND: And so the fellowship split. Merry and Pippin were prisoners with the Orcs, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were hunting for them, and Frodo and Samwise made their way towards Mordor. And what will happen? We shall see. Did you enjoy that boys and girls?
CHILDREN (waking up): Wha? Oh, yeah it was great. (Snore)
FEW CONVERTED FANS: Tell us more Lord Elrond! About everything!
ELROND: (chuckles) Oh, later children. It will not be long now. Tune in next time, for the next thrilling instalment of Stories with The Fellowship.
Next time we will be reading The Two Towers, meeting new characters, catching up with new, and seeing an old face return from the past! (Cough) Gandalf!
FEW CONVERTED FANS: Who? Who? Can’t you read it to us now?
ELROND: No.
FEW CONVERTED FANS: Why not?
ELROND: Because I don’t want to! HA!
FEW CONVERTED FANS: That’s it. Get him!
OTHER CHILDREN: Yay!
FANS: So see you soon boys and girls. Namarie!