Parodies Etc.> Parodies: TTT > TTT: Puppet Theater
The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:
Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers"Scared Little Newborn Ponies"
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| Galadriel: Previously on 'Lord of the Rings'... |
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| Gandalf: Dang, it feels like we've been falling for a year. |
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| Balrog: That's because we have been. Time to wake up, Frodo! |
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| Frodo: Believe it or not, I think I'm even angstier than before. |
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| Ring: Tell me honestly...do I look like I've gained weight? |
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| Gollum: I don't care how fat you are, I still want you! |
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| Sam: Forget the greased pig-catching contest back home, this guy's impossible! |
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| Gollum: Pity Smeagol, He's bald, wrinkly, and I sound like Donald Duck with pneumonia! |
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| Frodo: Aww...he's so cute, even if he is hideous. Or something... |
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| Sam: Don't touch what's mine! |
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| Gollum: Sheesh, even Smeagol's disturbed... |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Pippin: Hey Mr. Uruk-Hai, can we have a piggyback ride? |
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| Merry: Maybe if we find a pool we can play Chicken! |
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| Gimli: Since when did all the comic relief get transferred to me? |
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| Aragorn: Oh look, they left us a Lothlorien brooch to mark their trail! Of course, we're already following their trail... |
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| Legolas: Look, we're trying to stick to the book, here. Most of the time, anyway. |
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| Gimli: Three of us here, all with superb fighting skills and vast amounts of weaponry, with thousands of mindless enemies to slaughter...it's the perfect set-up for a video game! |
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| Saruman: Hey, wild men! Go slaughter all the Rohirrim. |
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| Wild
Man: Um...why? |
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| Saruman: 'Cause their horses crap on my lawn. If I had a lawn, that is. |
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| Wild
Man: Woohoo, an excuse for mindless destruction! |
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| Mother: I'm being self-sacrificing. Save us, my symbolic children! |
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| Eothin: But I don't have my license yet... |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Eowyn: Theoden! The orcs are attacking! Do something! |
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| Theoden: ..... |
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| Eomer: Theoden! The orcs are attacking! Get off your fat lazy butt and do something! |
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| Theoden: ..... |
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| Wormtongue: I will take your silence to mean your nephew should be banished. Begone, rugged one! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Uruk-Hai: Dude, I'm wasted, and there aren't any Sizzlers around. |
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| Orc: I'm really craving Kentucky Fried Hobbit. |
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| Merry: I'm really craving getting the heck outta here. |
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| Eomer: I'm pissed because I was banished. So I'm going to take it out on you creeps! |
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| Pippin: Sit, horsie! Stay! Heel! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Legolas: Someone's coming...time to be stealthy. |
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| Aragorn: Yo, Rohirrim! Whassup? |
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| Eomer: I'm still pissed. All that slaughtering didn't do a thing for me. |
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| Aragorn: Have you seen these hobbits? |
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| Eomer: No, but we just slaughtered a buttload of orcs. Who were they with? |
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| Aragorn: A buttload of orcs. |
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| Eomer: Whoops, my bad. I know! We'll give you two horses. Just pretend they're hobbits. |
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| Legolas: Dibs on the white one! |
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| Aragorn: Wow...it's one of those rare moments where I'm actually phazed by something. |
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| Gimli: I think my futility levels just skyrocketed. |
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| Aragorn: No wait! With my mad tracking skillz, I can determine that they actually ran into the very abrupt forest. |
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| Pippin: Niiiice transition from present time to flashback. |
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| Orc: In Fangorn, no one can hear you scream. AAIIIIEEEE!!! |
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| Treebeard: Hmm, you look like hobbits, smell like hobbits, feel like hobbits and sound like hobbits. You must be orcs! |
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| Pippin: Oh no! We've been given to the white wizard...what a cliffhanger. |
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| Merry: Unless you've read the books, so you of course know it's actually Gandalf. |
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| Fans: Curse you, spoiler-filled trailers! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Frodo: My feet hurt. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And this ring weighs a ton. |
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| Gollum: Hey, remember those festering, stinking marshlands Gimli mentioned? These are them. |
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| Sam: Um...can someone please explain how a swamp can be on fire? |
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| Gollum: Whatever you do, don't look at the lights. |
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| Frodo: Okay. Ooooh, pretty lights! SPLOOSH. |
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| Peter
Jackson: Cover your eyes, kiddies, these ghosts have no pupils. |
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| Frodo: Gollum, you saved me! |
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| Gollum: Only 'cause you're the one with the Precious, DUH. |
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| Sam: *GLAREGLAREGLOWERSCORN* |
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| Black
Rider: Forget horses, this is the only way to travel! |
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| Gollum: THEY DON'T DIE!! |
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| Fans: Heck, just get Aragorn with a torch and you get a perfect score. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Legolas: The forest is pissed. And you know what happens when you piss off the forest... |
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| Orc: *Glurg...* |
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| Gandalf: SHAZAM! |
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| Aragorn: Hey, you think you could turn down your symbolism? My eyes are hurting. |
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| Gandalf: I fought and fought and died and came back to life and there was lots of religious symbolism... |
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| Legolas: I see you've discovered the appeal of shininess, Gandalf. |
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| Gandalf: Who's Gandalf? Me? Oh! Riiiiiight... |
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| Shadowfax: WOOSH. Worship me, horse lovers! |
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| Gandalf: This is Shadowfax. Isn't it nice how he goes with my outfit? |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gollum: Oh look! It's the Black Gate. Can we leave now? |
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| Guards: OOH-EE-OH. YOOH-TOM! OOH-EE-OH. SAUR-ON! |
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| Sam: I'll just go up and ring the doorbell. Whoopsie-dasies! |
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| Gollum: Sam has not learned the value of not being seen. |
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| Frodo: Luckily, I have my +2/+2 Elven Cloak of Invisibility! |
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| Sam: Gee, that was close. Let's try that again! |
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| Gollum: Hold on, Smeagol knows a "safer" way. Really. |
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| Frodo: Wow, that pitiful puppy-dog-eyes look is completely convincing. I'll follow you over a cliff. |
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| Sam: *GLARESNARLGLAREGLOWER* |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Wormtongue: Aww, that's too bad about the prince. Would you like to make sweet love until dawn? |
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| Eowyn: #@$% yourself! And for godsakes, wash your hair before you even think of hitting on me again. |
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| Eowyn: I'm sorry, Theoden...but your son has passed away. |
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| Theoden: ..... |
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| Eowyn: Theoden? Helloooo? Remember your son? Cute blond kid? No longer breathin'?! |
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| Theoden: ..... |
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| Guard: Please remove your jackets, keys and any dangerous weapons you might be carrying. |
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| Aragorn: They've stepped up security everywhere, haven't they? |
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| Gandalf: Touch the staff and I call the AARP. |
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| Theoden: ...*CROAK*. |
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| Wormtongue: Um, you're stepping on my face. |
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| Gandalf: By the holy power vested in me, I command you, Brother Theoden...BE HEALED! |
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| Saruman: Curses...does anybody have a band-aid? |
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| Theoden: Wow, that worked better than Viagra. |
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| Eowyn: I thought you looked a little shabby for 45; I just didn't want to say anything. |
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| Wormtongue: Don't send me away! |
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| Theoden: Go away! |
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| Wormtongue: Hooray for reverse psychology. |
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| Eowyn: Hey, remember what I said about your son being dead? He still is. |
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| Gandalf: Join the ranks of the angst-ridden, my friend. |
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| Eothin: Woohoo, we made it to Edoras! THUD. |
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| Aragorn: See all the suffering children? It means you have to fight the mindless hordes of orcs. |
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| Theoden: Well, I say we run like scared little newborn ponies for the nearest Helm's Deep. |
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| Gandalf: If you need me, I'll be off preparing to save your butts in the grand finale. |
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| Eowyn: You're hot, sweaty and you have a sword. Let's fight. |
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| Aragorn: Don't worry, Eowyn. I'm sure no cage can contain your raging hormones. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Sam: Mr. Frodo, your eyes have been rolling a lot more than is natural. |
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| Frodo: That's very interesting. Oooh, pretty ring... |
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| Gollum: Through camera tricks and superb animation, I can have the ultimate conversation with myself! |
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| Gollum: And I lost... |
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| Fans: Don't his eyes hurt dialating back and forth like that? |
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| Gollum: Shh, be vewry vewry quiet...I've been hunting wabbits! |
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| Sam: I'd like to see 'Iron Chef' top this! |
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| Gollum: Pardon Smeagol while he goes and barfs in a bush. |
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| Oliphaunt: Look at us! We're just like elephants, only a lot bigger. |
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| Faramir: Recognize me? You shouldn't, 'cause I'm way hotter than my brother. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gimli: I hate horses. |
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| Eowyn: And as with most comedic moments, we're immediately followed by something angsty or thematic. |
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| Aragorn: Arwen, you're dang hot, but I think this whole war and death and doom thing might make our relationship difficult. |
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| Elrond: No daughter of mine will be going out with some shiftless mortal! |
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| Arwen: I hate you, daddy! I'm going to go to my room and waste away pathetically. |
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| Aragorn: ...And that's the story of my love life. |
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| Eowyn: So...you're available, then? |
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| Fans: No way, we called him first! |
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| Legolas: Heads up, we're being attacked by orcs on wolf-panther-hyena-type thingies. |
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| Warg: Dogpile on Gimli! |
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| Theoden: Oh no! Aragorn died by being pulled over the cliff. |
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| Aragorn: I absolutely REFUSE to die so cheaply! |
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| Fans: Besides, it's not in the book... |
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| Eowyn: So few rugged hotties have returned...speaking of, where's my nearly-available rugged hottie? |
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| Theoden: He fell. Literally. |
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| Legolas: Quit your sniveling; we'd have to completely change the title of the third movie if he actually died |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Wormtongue: We're screwed, your wizardliness. Ooh, what happens if I stick a candle in this black powder? |
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| Saruman: We're not screwed, we've got a frickin' huge army. |
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| Wormtongue: Where?...Oh, you mean that frickin' huge army. |
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| Merry: Look, it's Isengard. I bet they're amassing a frickin' huge army. |
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| Treebeard: I bet they are. But I still don't give a tree's roots about it. |
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| Aragorn: It's a good thing I'm a floater. |
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| Arwen: Time for mouth to mouth...in more ways than one! |
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| Brego: Lookit me, I'm Arwen! Come on, Aragorn, give me some smoochies. |
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| Aragorn: Eh...no. Just spray some Windex on it. |
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| Fans: Even the horses get more action than we do... |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Arwen: *MOPEMOPEWHINECOMPLAIN* |
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| Elrond: Don't worry daughter, there are plenty of other hot rugged future kings in the sea. |
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| Arwen: *Sniff*...But all of my friends are here! |
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| Elrond: You'll make new friends at the nice little elven suburbia we're moving to. So get in the moving boat, young lady! |
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| Galadriel: And now, an update from last time. We're still doomed. Gasp, horrors and shock. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Faramir: After hours of careful calculation, I have determined that you are orc spies. |
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| Sam: Jeez, do hobbits just have 'Orc Spies' written on their foreheads or something?! |
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| Frodo: Hey, maybe you've heard of the Fellowship? We're with them. Actually, we are them. |
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| Faramir: Oh. And is that sick-looking thing in the loincloth part of the Fellowship, too? |
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| Frodo: Darn Gandalf's inspirational little speech about not killing things! I guess I have to save him. |
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| Gollum: I demand to speak to my lawyer! |
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| Faramir: Well hey, the Ring of Power! That'd make a great Father's Day present. |
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| Frodo: I feel so used. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Aragorn: Look everyone, I'm back! |
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| Legolas: Well that's just dandy, worryin' Gimli and me to death. Go upstairs and talk to the king! |
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| Peter
Jackson: Let's make sure and put in as many shots of the chibis as possible; we have to make this utterly poignant. |
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| Aragorn: So...what's your battle strategy? |
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| Theoden: If it's male and breathing, give it a sword. |
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| Legolas: That's it, we're screwed. Hopelessly doomed. |
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| Aragorn: Then I shall die with them! ...Whoops, was I not supposed to say that last part in English? |
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| Theoden: Time for an inspirational fatalist monologue! Shakespeare, eat your heart out. |
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| Haldir: Unlike Elrond, we actually give a care about the world. Plus, you guys have like no archers. |
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| Theoden: That's very sweet. But still, no one will come to our aid. |
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| Uruk-Hai: Okay men, stomp and make lots of noise until some half-blind geezer accidentally shoots and gives us an excuse to slaughter 'em! |
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| Uruk-Hai: Not that we needed an excuse, of course. |
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| Elves: ZINGZINGSHOOTKILL |
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| Uruk-Hai: SHOOTMAIMKILLSNORT |
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| Theoden: It's okay...we'll be fine as long as they don't breach the wall. |
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| Helm's
Deep: BOOM. |
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| Aragorn: Um, I think they just breached the wall. |
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| Haldir: *GURGLE, DIES* |
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| Fans: Bad form, Peter Jackson! Bad form! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Pippin: I am so stinkin' bored. |
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| Treebeard: Well then, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that all of that waiting was for nothing. |
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| Merry: Yeah suuuure, we'll go home. Just let us swing by Isengard for snacks. *Wink wink.* |
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| Treebeard: I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And the trees say, "Smash Saruman to a bloody pulp!" |
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| Pippin: Now this is what I call eco-terrorism! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Faramir: We're being attacked by orcs too, and there's a lot more holes in our wall. |
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| Sam: We hate to say, "We told you so!!" |
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| Gollum: Pardom Smeagol while he finds a corner to whimper in. |
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| Frodo: Whoop, my eyes are rolling again. Something scary is coming. |
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| Aragorn: I have an idea. Gimli and I will cause a distraction... |
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| Theoden: ...Which gives us the chance to run like scared little newborn ponies! |
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| Aragorn: That's not what I had in mind. |
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Omnipotent Author of the Puppet Show: Who needs puppet show parodies when you have the whole 'Toss me' conversation? |
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| Theoden: SLAUGHTER ME! |
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| Eomer: Hey, remember me? I've got the shiny on my side. |
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| Gandalf: Fear me and my unbelievably brilliant backlighting! |
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| Uruk-Hai: If only Saruman had equipped us with sunglasses... |
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| Wormtongue: Uh master, the trees are attacking... |
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| Saruman: Pfpfpfpfpfpft, pull the other...AAGH! The trees are attacking! |
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| Treebeard: Heck, I could get used to this whole mass murder and destruction thing. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Black
Rider: Can Mr. Frodo come out to play? |
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| Frodo: PLEASE KILL ME. |
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| Sam: Noo! I can't live if you're gone! |
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| Frodo: You can't live with my sword in your throat, either. |
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| Faramir: Man, that whole going suicidal and killing your special friends thing is a real turn-off. Keep your stupid ring. |
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| Sam: Oh boy oh joy, I get to do a scene-spanning thematic monologue! |
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| Gandalf: Look, we won! |
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| Theoden: What a quinkydink, so did we! |
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| Treebeard: And so did we! |
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| Aragorn: Even though all the odds were against us. Gee, who woulda guessed. |
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| Sam: Stories are cool! Let's make blatant references to ourselves. |
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| Frodo: I'm sorry I nearly stabbed your throat out, Sam. You're still my special friend. |
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| Sam: *BLUSH BLUSH* |
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| Gollum: Uck, Smeagol feels sick. Maybe if Smeagol leaves the audience with disturbingly cryptic foreshadowing, Smeagol will feel better. |
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| Fans: Must...resist...urge...to...kill...Peter...Jackson... |
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| Peter
Jackson: If I get stuck with all the technical Oscars again, I'll be the one doing the killing... |
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Also see:
The Fellowship of the Ring - "Foreboding Drum Music"
The Return of the King - "Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball"