Parodies Etc.> Parodies: ROTK > ROTK: Puppet Theater

The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:

Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King
"Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball"

	Deagol: It's sure nice to be out fishing with such a great friend like you, Smeagol! Ooh, pretty ring.

	Smeagol: Trust me, this treacherous death is for your own good! *STRANGLE*

	Gollum: And we forgot stuff. And developed multiple personality disorder. And started talking in third person plural.

	Sam: Get up Mr. Frodo, you're gonna miss the bus!

	Frodo: Guhhh...five more minutes...

	Gollum: Come on, your impending doom's not gonna wait forever.

~ LOTR ~

	Aragorn: Since when did Isengard become Noah's Ark?

	Merry: YO, my homies!

	Gandalf: I'm disturbingly amused that you consider me "young," Treebeard.

	Treebeard: Thanks to us, Christopher Lee's role in this trilogy is over.

	Saruman: What, no 'Voice of Saruman?' No 'Scouring of the Shire?' I protest!

	Pippin: Ooh, something shiny! *YOINK*

	Gandalf: ...But they still threw in the palantir. Dang.

	Eowyn: *AHEM* I'm still available...

	Aragorn: ...And I'm still taken. How many hints do you need?

~ LOTR ~

	Gollum: The supremely animated conversations with myself return!

	Gollum: Kill!

	Smeagol: Doubt!

	Gollum: Foreshadowing!

	Smeagol: Cool.

	Sam: I beg to differ! *PUNCHSMACKWALLOP*

	Frodo: Lay off Sam, you big meanie.

	Sam: ARGH.

~ LOTR ~

	Pippin: Curiosity may have killed the Took, but who cares.

	Sauron: Is Saruman there? Whoops, wrong number.

	Pippin: Help, I've superglued myself to a flaming bowling ball!

	Merry: Don't worry, I'll sit here and do nothing.

	Aragorn: Let's play hot palantir!

	Gandalf: Pippin, you moron! ...Oh wait, you're in agony. Guess I gotta be sensetive now...

	Pippin: I saw death, destruction and doom.

	Gandalf: That's the best news I've heard all week. Theoden, we could use some Rohirrim backup.

	Theoden: But that, of course, would require me giving a horse's arse.

	Gandalf: Psh, thanks for your help. C'mon Pippin, we're blowing this popsicle stand.

	Merry: It's time for Tearful Separation #1! *SNIFFLE*

	Gandalf: ...And here we have Minas Tirith, representing our Greco-Roman influences.

	Shadowfax: HUFFHUFF...I'll be impressed once they install an escalator...HUFFHUFF...

	Gandalf: Okay, unlike Theoden, this dude is actually crazy. So just try and shut up for once in your life.

	Pippin: ...Sorry, were you talking to me?

	Denethor: Don't both me, I'm grieving.

	Boromir: ARROWED!

	Pippin: In that case, allow me to do something entirely rash and senseless!

	Denethor: How sweet of you. Now get lost, shorty.

	Pippin: Nice armor, but by service I sort of meant washing dishes.

	Gandalf: I'm not sure whether it's convenient or problematic that Mordor looks so close to here.

	Gollum: There's Minas Morgul, but we're not going that way.

	Frodo: Cool. Let's go to Minas Morgul!

	Sam: I see you still have that problem with selective hearing, Mr. Frodo.

	Minas Morgul: FWOOOOM.

	Pippin: ...Um, is it supposed to do that?

	Nazgul King: I've returned, and now with extra sharp pointy helmet scariness!

	Orcs: Are we going to have these ranks all the way to Gondor?

	Gollum: Yes. An invincible orc army. Real exciting. Up the stairs we go.

	Frodo: Yet another place that needs an escalator...

~ LOTR ~

	Gandalf: It's finally time to prove that you really are competent, Pippin.

	Pippin: I get praised for lighting things on fire! Score!

	Beacon Guards: We've been waiting here on this mountain for our entire lives for someone to light that beacon...finally our existences have meaning!

	Aragorn: Just got a call from Gondor. They say they're screwed and need backup, stat.

	Theoden: Oh, I guess we can be good neighbors now.

	Frodo: I am never, ever buying a stairmaster after this.

	Gollum: Time for my daily dose of ring-oggling.

	Frodo: A little help, here...

	Gollum: Then let me help plant the seeds of distrust!

	Sam: ARGH again!

~ LOTR ~

	Arwen: Well, this sure is a depressing way to end my relationship with the man I love.

	Arwen's Son: See, now I'm not going to exist. Thanks for nothing.

	Arwen: Whoops, forgot to put the cat out!

	Elrond: Are you still whining about that becoming mortal thing?

	Arwen: Just reforge the sword and get over it, daddy.

	Elrond: Fine, whatever.

	Fans: Why didn't they just do that in the first place?

~ LOTR ~

	Theoden: Where are all my armies? When I say "Muster the Rohirrim," I mean anything male and breathing!

	Merry: Cool, that means I count!

	Eomer: Maybe when you down a few more gallons of entdraught, kiddo.

	Legolas: What's up with the freaky mountain?

	Theoden: Oh, it just happens to be a place of unspeakable evil.

	Aragorn: ...Which of course means we'll be going there.

	Faramir: Meanwhile, I'm still trying to defend this run-down river ruin for no good reason.

	Orc Captain: I'm the best-lookin' orc in Middle Earth, my my my!

	Faramir: *FIGHTCLASHSTABASSKICKED*

	Nazgul: Surprise, suckers!

	Faramir: Run away! Run away!

	Peter Jackson: No horses were harmed in the making of this film. ...Less than 40, anyway.

	Gandalf: It's my ultra-brilliant backlighting to the rescue!

	Nazgul: Noo, our sunblock is only SPF 15! Flee!

	Gandalf: As you can see, it's a dang good thing Rohan is on their way here. So nyeah to your sucky judgement.

	Denethor: Like I care. Why isn't anyone brave enough to follow my acts of lunacy?

	Faramir: Daddy, do you love me?

	Denethor: Quite frankly, no. Now bring me KFC.

	Faramir: See if you get a Christmas present from me this year...

~ LOTR ~

	Gollum: I got an A+ in Framing Innocent Hobbits 101.

	Sam: Have I thanked you for making my life a living hell lately?

	Frodo: I'm about ready for some vittles.

	Gollum: Except Sam stole all the vittles. Heh heh.

	Sam: Has our relationship meant nothing?!

	Frodo: This is all for the sake of the hardcore angst. Now shove off, porky.

	Sam: " ARGH" doesn't even begin to cover this.

~ LOTR ~

	Arwen: Hey Aragorn, mind if I waste away in your deepest, darkest nightmares?

	Aragorn: I do mind! ...And why exactly is Theoden inviting me to his tent in the middle of the night?

	Elrond: We meet again, Mr. Anderson...I mean, Aragorn.

	Aragorn: So Arwen is dying. I hate my subconscious.

	Elrond: I'm not your biggest fan either, but become king and save the world anyway.

	Elrond: Which, by the way, involves going into the mountain full of unspeakable evil.

	Aragorn: Well, I'm off. Don't mind me if I'm fashionably late to the epic battle.

	Eowyn: Does this mean you're breaking up with me?

	Aragorn: If we were ever a couple to begin with, then probably yes.

	Theoden: Well, Aragorn's abandoned us, and we're pretty much screwed. But who cares!

	Eomer: Has anyone ever told you that you suck at pep-talking?

~ LOTR ~

	Faramir: Well daddy, let's see if you'll love me after I'm brutally slaughtered.

	Gandalf: Come on, you don't really have a death wish...

	Faramir: I do so! Charge!

	Denethor: Sing, pawn, or I shall force you to participate in 'Gondor Idol.'

	Pippin: I'm too sexy for my voice...

	Fans: Is it bad that we're drooling while tons of courageous men are being butchered?

	Pippin: *SNIFFLE*

	Fans: He made the hobbit cry! He really is a bastard!

~ LOTR ~

	Gimli: So why exactly is this mountain so freaky?

	Legolas: Hi, I'm Legolas, and I'll be your history teacher for today.

	Aragorn: If they way is shut, how come the door's open?

	Theoden: Off to war we go! ...And no hobbits allowed.

	Merry: Why must you crush my dreams of glory?

	Eowyn: Then let's be misfit soldiers together!

	Merry: Get to share a saddle with hot armored chick for several days' ride...go me!

	Aragorn: Anybody hoooooome?

	Undead King: Can't you read? 'The Way is Shut' means no trespassers, ye varmits!

	Aragorn: Oh! Look at my shiny sword! Can't touch this!

	Undead King: & #@$ curse.... %&*# pledge...

~ LOTR ~

	Orc Captain: Bigger walls, bigger orc armies to blow up walls...I like this.

	Denethor: AHH, my son's died!

	Faramir: Um, still breathing?

	Denethor: AHH, Rohan's abandoned us!

	Theoden: Uh, getting there?

	Denethor: AHH, we're-- THWACK

	Gandalf: Hopefully that'll knock some sense into you, since you've got the bump to prove it.

	Orcs: Here, we'll help you get a head in life.

	Gandalf: Crap, that probably just decreased morale by 9 points.

	Orcs: We chuck huge rocks at 'joo!

	Men: Two can play at that game!

	Nazgul: How about the game where we pick you up and then drop you from hundreds of feet up?

	Men: We could, um...scratch our nails on chalkboard...

	Denethor: I'm still crazy, only now I have a headache. I know, I'll light myself and my son on fire!

	Pippin: He's not dead yet...he's getting better...

	Denethor: Only suicidal psychopaths are invited to this party, so make like a white tree and leave.

	Pippin: Yikes, better get t' playin' Lassie...

	Orc Captain: Say hi to our battering ram...his name's Lassie, too.

	Trolls: Peek-a-boo!

	Gandalf: Well, screw that.

	Orc Captain: One wall down, six more to go.

~ LOTR ~

	Gollum: Look, it's a dark and creepy tunnel. Ladies first!

	Frodo: I have a bad feeling about this. (TM)

	Shelob: I make Aragog look like the itsy bitsy spider.

	Arachnophobes: We hate you, J. R. R. Tolkien!

	Frodo: Fear my lightbulb, beast of hell!

	Shelob: Get in mah belleh! Or that failing, at least my web.

	Frodo: Crap.

	Gollum: Here, maybe I can get in a few taunts before running for my measley life.

	Frodo: Freedom! I love this little sword!

	Gollum: What part of "get eaten by giant spider and DIE" do you not understand?!

	Frodo: Heh, looks like he took a little tumble off the cliff.

	Fans: Well that's a surefire sign he survived...

	Frodo: I'm spent. Naptime!

	Galadriel: Arise from your slumber, o exhausted one!

	Frodo: Now that's what I call a pick-me-up.

	Shelob: Hey, remember me? I'm still hungry.

	Frodo: *GURGLE*

	Shelob: Tonight, the part of the mummy will be played by Frodo.

	Sam: Okay, nobody but me's allowed to touch Frodo that way!

	Shelob: You wanna make something of it, punk?

	Sam: With the power of the elven lightbulb, I vanquish thee!

	Shelob: Ooh, I'm sooo scared of your widdle wightbulb.

	Sam: How about a sword in your stomach, then?

	Shelob: *URK* Okay okay, I'm leaving...

	Sam: I was too late! I really do suck!

	Frodo: Relax, I'm just going for the new gothic undead look.

	Orc: He's not dead yet...sucks to be him!

~ LOTR ~

	Denethor: Mmm, nothing like a cold oil shower at the end of a useless reign as steward.

	Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor's planning a barbecue, and it isn't even Memorial Day yet!

	Gandalf: How many times am I going to have to whack that freak over the head?

	Denethor: How dare you try to stop me from crispy-frying my son! *STRANGLE*

	Faramir: *YAWN* ...Hey, is something burning?

	Denethor: That'd be me. AIIIIEEEEE!

	Theoden: We're going to die, but go us! Charge and tally ho and all that!

	Orc Captain: I think I just wet myself.

	Rohirrim: TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE

	Theoden: Wow, that went a lot better than expected.

	Oliphaunts: Yo.

	Theoden: ...Or not.

	Eowyn: Relax, we'll just pull the same stunts they did to the AT-ATs in 'Empire Strikes Back.'

	Eomer: Two with one spear! I rock!

	Eowyn: Watch where you're killing those things!

	Nazgul King: Let's play bowling for Rohirrim!

	Theoden: ...Oof. There go all my internal organs.

	Eowyn: My wrath is scarier than your wrath.

	Nazgul King: That was my favorite winged monster of doom! Now I smush you!

	Merry: Surprise attack!

	Eowyn: You say no man can kill you? Ha, I am "no man!"

	Nazgul King: Noo, I'm imploding from your infallible logic!

	Theoden: Before I die, let's throw in a few more Star Wars references.

	Eowyn: War sucks after all. Crap.

	Aragorn: Check it out, I've got my own invincible undead army

	Undead King: Finally, we get rewarded for mindless slaughter!

	Oliphaunt: AGH, a green cloud of death is attacking my butt!

	Pippin: Look Merry, I kicked ass and saved a lot of important people!

	Merry: Me too! I think we deserve a statue.

	Gandalf: Nice job, Aragorn. Calling on an invincible undead army is a surefire sign of divine right to rule.

	Undead King: Speaking of, can we go now? Huh? Huh, can we?

	Aragorn: Sure, get lost.

	Gandalf: So...who's in charge of cleanup?

~ LOTR ~

	Frodo: Ahh...I feel like I've lost so many things at once...

	Orcs: Cool, mithril! Let's kill each other over it!

	Sam: Hey, makes my job easier.

	Frodo: Thanks for saving me...now GIMMIEGIMMIEGIMME!

	Sam: ...Wha? Sorry, I was kinda staring at you with your shirt off.

	Frodo: Well dangit, there's a jillion orcs between us and Mount Doom.

	Sam: *SNICKER*

	Frodo: Now what?

	Sam: Sorry, you just look really dorky in that orc outfit.

~ LOTR ~

	Gandalf: Well, we schmacked Mordor good, but Frodo's still screwed.

	Aragorn: Then let's enact Operation: We're-The-Bait.

	Legolas: You sure that's a good idea?

	Aragorn: Hey, it's not like Denethor or Theoden are gonna argue.

	Gimli: Come on guys, it's bloody and bitter defeat! What's not to love?

	Orcs: Marching out again? I though we fulfilled our fight scene quota!

	Sam: Stop, drop and roll, Mr. Frodo!

	Frodo: Righty-o. *PASSOUT*

	Sauron: I guess this is when two eyes would come in handy.

	Aragorn: You guys suck! You big pansies! Come out'n fight like orcs!

	Orcs: MARCHMARCHMARCH

	Legolas: Aragorn...shut up.

	Sam: C'mon Mr. Frodo, let's sing "These are a few of my favorite things."

	Frodo: At the moment, I could really use some chapstick.

	Sam: I shall carry you! Observe my ultimate act of love...um, friendship!

	Fans: AWWWWWWWW.

	Gollum: Guess it's up to Smeagol to ruin this brotherly joy.

	Sam: You goin' down, baldy! *WHACKCRASHROLLTHUNK*

	Frodo: And suddenly I have energy! Away I go.

	Aragorn: Let's fight, 'cause there's no way the audience has had their fill of epic battles yet.

	Nazgul: Death from abooooove!

	Eagles: It's a Middle Earth dogfight!

	Moth: In these kinds of movies, even the moth can be a hero.

	Sam: Oh hey, Mr. Frodo! You can destroy the ultimate evil any day now.

	Frodo: Nah, changed my mind. Suckers!

	Sam: Nooo! I cries a sad cry.

	Gollum: Guess it's time for that part I have yet to play, for good or ill.

	Frodo: That was my favorite finger! *SHOVE*

	Gollum: I can die happy now. Wait, I didn't actually mean that! *BLURBLE*

	Ring: I'm not dead yet! I shall throw out symbolism to the last.

	Sam: Gotta save Mr. Frodo, or the Tolkien purists will kill us all! *YANK*

	Orcs: Our lives have no purpose! Flee!

	Ring: *BLUB BLUB BLUB*

	Sauron: Damn that infallible clause of good conquering evil! COLLAPSE!

	Nazgul: AIIIIEEEE!

	Mordor: SCHMACKED!

	Everyone Else: WOO!

	Sam: Go figure that saving the world also includes all of Mordor self-destructing.

	Frodo: Even though we're trapped in a river of molten lava, I'm still glad you're my special friend.

	Sam: ...Except I wanna marry Rosie.

	Frodo: Well, fine. Guess the subtext's gonna stay subtext after all.

	Fangirls: But look! There's a blackout! Evidence! See? See?!

	Sam: Get over it; that was merely artistic.

	Eagles: Please remain unconscious until the eagle has come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Massive Eagle Airlines.

~ LOTR ~

	Gandalf: Hey Frodo, you're alive! That's hilarious!

	Frodo: I know, isn't it?

	Sam: Guess I gotta represent the morose for this group.

	Gandalf: By a unaminous vote, you now get to wear this nifty winged crown.

	Aragorn: I'm king of the world!

	Eowyn: I guess Peter Jackson couldn't squeeze in the Houses of Healing, but still...

	Arwen: Betcha can't find me; I'm hiding behind the banner.

	Aragorn: Aw, to hell with formality. Smooch attack!

	Pippin: Since you won't be formal, I guess us hobbits will.

	Aragorn: No way, you guys rocks my socks. You deserve some serious bowage.

	Frodo: Cool, everyone's as tall as us now.

~ LOTR ~

	Merry: Alright, I've always wanted to ride back home victorious from an epic world-changing battle.

	Pippin: So...it's beer. Exciting.

	Sam: Well, I said I was gonna marry Rosie, and so I have. Now I'm happy and domestic.

	Slash Fans: Nooo, say it isn't so...

	Sam: I said get over it!

	Frodo: Darn, now life seems empty and hollow. Guess I'll become an author.

	Sam: Nice handwriting. Do we have to go visit your crazy uncle?

	Bilbo: So where's that shiny ring I gave you?

	Frodo: Haven't you been watching this movie?... Oh, never mind.

	Elrond: Well, we're finally leaving you wackos for a better place.

	Galadriel: Okay, so the world was saved after all. Silly me.

	Gandalf: C'mon Frodo, you've also got an invitation to this elven pseudo-heaven.

	Sam: And just when I thought we were through with tearful separations...

	Frodo: ...You thought wrong! Time for me to sail off into the symbolic sunset.

	Sam: And of course, we end with a little homage to the literary fans...

	Peter Jackson: Best Picture Oscar, here I come!

	Fans: If it doesn't win, we're bombing the Academy.

By Jerry the Frog Productions
Also see:
The Fellowship of the Ring - "Foreboding Drum Music"
The Two Towers - "Scared Newborn Little Ponies"