Parodies Etc.> Parodies: FOTR > FOTR: Puppet Theater
The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:
Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring"Foreboding Drum Music"
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| Galadriel: In the beginning, Sauron was evil and screwed up Middle Earth. |
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| Sauron: I am evil. Here are some magic rings so that I can control your souls. |
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| Galadriel: Luckily, most people were pissed that Sauron screwed up Middle Earth, and decided to do something about it. |
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| Isildur: Sauron, you killed my father, so I'm going to smite you with my magic broken sword. |
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| Sauron: Daaagh! My trigger finger! |
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| Masses: Woah, shock wave. |
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| Isildur: What a pretty ring. I think I'll submit to my weak and selfish human desires. |
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| Elrond: Silly human! Rings are for evil overlords! |
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| Isildur: Yeah, whatever...darn it, I've been shot. |
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| Galadriel: So anyway blah blah Gollum found ring blah blah made him evil blah blah lost it blah Bilbo found it blah blah we're all doomed yada yada yada. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gandalf: Look everyone, I'm back in the Shire. |
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| Frodo: Woohoo! It's my only chance in this movie to be happy! |
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| Gandalf: Good for you. Let's see how many names of book chapters we can add into the dialogue. |
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| Bilbo: I feel like leaving here, crawling into some caves and fingering my beautiful ring. |
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| Gandalf: Stupid low ceiling rafters... |
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| Bilbo: Time for par-tay-ing! |
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| Pippin: We're here to provide comic relief. |
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| Merry: Let's cause destruction and mayhem! |
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| Gandalf: You've been bad boys. Go do the dishes! |
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| Bilbo: Well, it's been fun and all, but it's time to mysteriously disappear. |
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| Frodo: This can't be good. |
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| Gandalf: Bilbo, you're not funny. |
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| Bilbo: Yeah, well, what do you know, you big hairy oaf?! |
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| Gandalf: You should know by now that it's NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO PISS ME OFF!!! |
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| Bilbo: eeeeeep! |
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| Bilbo: Fine, I'll let go of the ring...man, this thing's sticky. |
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| Gandalf: I am disturbed. |
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| Frodo: Where'd everybody go? |
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| Gandalf: Bye, Frodo. Pay no attention to the fact that I am seriously disturbed. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gandalf: Good thing there's this random library that has records of everything that's ever happened anywhere. |
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| Gandalf: Let's see...I'll look under "E" for evil magic rings...uh oh, I think we're doomed. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Frodo: This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies. |
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| Gandalf: Speaking of which...boo. |
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| Frodo: Waaugh! You're all ragged and sweaty! |
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| Gandalf: Hey Frodo, that magic ring you inherited is actually the brainchild of evil incarnate and will bring about the destruction of everything. |
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| Gandalf: Just so you know. |
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| Frodo: The angst is taking over already... |
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| Sam: I know nothing! I am completely and totally ignorant! |
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| Gandalf: Since you're such a bad liar, you're going to help Frodo. |
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| Frodo: This sounds dangerous...I better practice my brooding. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gandalf: Whassup, Saruman? |
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| Saruman: Maybe if you hadn't been smoking hobbit-weed, you would have noticed I've turned evil. |
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| Palantir: I am swirly and dark. |
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| Saruman: Let's engage in a wizard levitation battle. |
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| Gandalf: No, I don't think so...ow, my shoulder! |
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| Saruman: Eat sharp pointy ceiling!! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Sam: Tra-la-la, let's go off on a grand adventure! |
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| Frodo: Huh?...Sorry, the angsty symbolism's giving me asthma. |
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| Pippin: Here, hold this food while we bolt. |
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| Sam: Run away! Ack, sudden cliff! |
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| Frodo: I smell forboding. |
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| Black
Rider: Fear me, for I am tall, black, evil and badass! |
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| Frodo: Noooo problems there. |
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| Black
Rider: Have yu da wing? |
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| Merry: I say we chuck rocks at their heads. |
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| Merry: On second thought, I say we run like heck for the nearest body of water. |
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| Black
Rider: Curse your furry little feet! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Pippin: Nobody loves us hobbits. |
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| Fans: WE LOVE YOU!!! |
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| Frodo: Too many big people! Why's everyone staring at me? |
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| Masses: With that face, how can we NOT stare at you? |
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| Pippin: Beer is fun! |
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| Frodo: Pippin, stop being a drunken idiot...whoops, accidentally put the ring on. |
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| Eye
of Sauron: Peek-a-boo, I see you! |
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| Frodo: Yikes, evil mind trips are scary! |
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| Aragorn: Frodo, you dumbell! Now I'm going to drag you upstairs and tan your hide good 'n proper! |
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| Frodo: What's up with you? |
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| Aragorn: We're all doomed, so don't mess up anymore! |
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| Sam: Unhand my partner!...I mean my friend. |
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| Aragorn: Chill out, Sam. Go set up a really big bed for all of us. |
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| Nightwatch: Hello, Black Riders. I'm afraid those horses aren't going to fit through the door. |
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| Black
Rider: That's no problem. SMUSH. |
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| Aragorn: That unearthly shriek means our time is up! Grab a pony and let's scram. |
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| Sam: Aragorn's dark and brooding. |
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| Frodo: Just like me, only taller. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gandalf: Well, I'm trapped on top of this dark tower for months...I could really use some PC solitare right now. |
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| Moth: I offered to carry Gandalf away, but he said to get something bigger. What do wizards know, anyway?... |
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| Saruman: Arise, my slimy snarling hordes of death! |
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| Uruk-Hai: What do you mean, you didn't make any females? You expect us all to be gay or something?!! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Aragorn: You hobbits hang out here while I leave you to get attacked by your mortal enemies. |
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| Pippin: Sounds good to me! Who's up for some toast? |
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| Frodo: There's a time and a place for stupidity, but this isn't it. |
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| Black
Rider: Our swords are bigger than yours, so I'd say we have the advantage. |
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| Frodo: Maybe if I put on the ring, they'll forget I'm here...ow, that stings. |
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| Ring: Another bad situation made worse by yours truly...how symbolic can you get? |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Saruman: We're all doomed, Gandalf. You should be evil. |
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| Gandalf: I've had about enough of your unconvincing pessimism. Ignore that giant eagle behind you. |
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| Saruman: I'll get you, my pretty...and your little hobbit, too! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Frodo: I am in pain. |
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| Aragorn: Since we're out of motrin, I'm going to go find us some kingsfoil. |
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| Arwen: I am shiny and accompanied by an angelic chorus. You may now drool over my melodius elvish dialogue. |
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| Fans: Drool... |
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| Arwen: Don't worry, I'll take Frodo to Rivendell. |
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| Aragorn: Can't let you do that...protective male instincts are rising to the surface. |
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| Arwen: Are you sure something else isn't rising?... |
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| Black
Rider: Maybe our horses could run faster if they weren't decked out in fearsome armor. |
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| River
Horse: You guys need a shower. |
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| Black
Rider: Gurgle, blub, blub. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Frodo: I had this horrible nightmare that I had this ring and was chased by black dudes and...oh wait, that actually happened. Darn it all... |
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| Sam: Yaay, the love of my life is alive! |
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| Frodo: ..... |
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| Aragorn: Hey, Boromir. Still being an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt? |
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| Boromir: Look at the remains of this magical sword...ouch! Stupid symbolism... |
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| Aragorn: That's very interesting, but I have to go make out with Arwen right now. |
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| Elrond: Well, Gandalf, we're all doomed. What should we do about it? |
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| Gandalf: Gimli and Legolas were suggesting a massive orgy, but I was thinking more along the lines of a different sort of fellowship. |
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| Elrond: Me too. Okay, we've got nine people here...can everyone please say one thing that's unique about themselves? |
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| Frodo: I'm angst incarnate. |
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| Aragorn: I'm badass-ness incarnate. |
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| Sam: No one can figure out my sexual orientation. |
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| Pippin: My life revolves around food and beer. |
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| Merry: I'm part of the comic relief duo. |
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| Boromir: I'm an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt. |
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| Legolas: I'm so pretty it's not even funny. |
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| Gimli: I really need a woman, a prozac and a haircut. |
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| Gandalf: I really should have won best supporting actor. |
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| Bill: I'm the pack animal. |
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| Elrond: Alright, looks good to me. Even though we're still doomed, the fact that you're working together makes me feel *cough* better. |
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| Gimli: Let's skip the entire way there! |
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| Pippin: No, let's gang up on Boromir! |
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| Birds: Look, it's the Fellowship. Let's fly over there and crap on their heads. |
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| Boromir: Eeek! Hide! |
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| Gandalf: Birds are too scary. Let's face blinding snowstorms instead. |
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| Legolas: While you're trudging along in waist-deep snow, I'll skip along on top! |
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| Frodo: This isn't funny. |
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| Gimli: Let's go to Moria. |
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| Gandalf: Let's not and say we did. |
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| Saruman: Here's a little avalanche to encourage you along. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Lake
Monster: Ha-ha, I've got Frodo! |
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| Sam: You can't have him, he's mine! |
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| Boromir: I knew dwarves were hostile, but even I didn't expect them to welcome us with a carpet of rotting corpses. |
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| Gimli: Shoot...all this crying is going to make my beard damp. |
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| Aragorn: Forboding drum music...I sense an incoming battle scene. |
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| Troll: I am like a video game boss character that takes 20 hits to kill instead of just one. |
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| Legolas: Dogpile on the troll!! |
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| Frodo: Ack, I've been skewered! |
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| Fans: Nooo, don't kill the bishounen!....Oh wait, we have a couple of spares. |
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| Frodo: Good thing I was wearing this impenetrable mail that no one else seemed to notice. |
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| Aragorn: We just finished a battle scene and there's more forboding drum music...now I'm getting nervous. |
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| Balrog: I am the coolest CGI character here. Eat flaming whip! |
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| Gandalf: I am not intimidated...okay, so I am. This situation calls for some serious religious symbolism. |
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| Frodo: Gandalf has died...time for five minutes of angsty slow-motion! |
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| Aragorn: Stop crying, you babies! That means you, Boromir. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Gimli: Lothlorien is scary! Protect me, Legolas! |
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| Elf
Guard: Only pretty people are welcome here...the dwarf's going to need a bag over his head. |
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| Galadriel: Telepathy is fun! |
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| Boromir: Stop looking at me with your mind! |
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| Frodo: Hey, Galadriel. You're not planning on giving me any torturous clairvoyant memories, are you? |
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| Galadriel: What a nice ring...it makes me want to do A NEGATIVE FILM EXPOSURE FREAK-OUT!! |
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| Frodo: I am disturbed by your freak-out-ness! I think we should leave now. |
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| Galadriel: Before you go, take this light crystal. That aura around it is actually gaseous foreshadowing. |
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| Sam: I wanna go in Frodo's boat... |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Saruman: Orcs are actually messed-up elves. But you guys are perfect. |
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| Uruk-Hai: I haven't been able to find a mirror, but from what I can tell, we're still messed up. |
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| Saruman: Forget about that...just go kill all the pretty people, and bring the really short pretty people here. |
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| Uruk-Hai: If we kill them, will we not be ugly anymore? |
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| Saruman: Well...no. But at least they won't be pretty! |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Aragorn: Check out these gigantical statues. Can't you hear the sudden rise in the score? |
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| Frodo: Ugh, too much angst...I need some fresh air. |
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| Boromir: Mind if I borrow that instrument of our doom? I "promise" I'll give it right back. |
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| Frodo: Help, Boromir's trying to rape me! |
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| Boromir: Your short little legs are a disadvantage to you!...Crap, I tripped. |
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| Eye
of Sauron: I'm back to give you even more reason to angst. |
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| Aragorn: Don't worry Frodo, I'm not going to rape you like Boromir. |
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| Frodo: I appreciate that, but I'm still too angsty to hang around. |
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| Uruk-Hai: Kill the pretty people!! |
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| Pippin: There's nothing funny about being self-sacrificing... |
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| Merry: ...And I think that sucks. |
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| Boromir: I feel like a pincushion. |
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| Aragorn: You're just jealous because all of the fans are rooting for me. |
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| Lurtz: I'm another one of those characters that needs 20 hits to die. |
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| Aragorn: Now stand aside, worthy adversary! |
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| Lurtz's
Head: 'Tis but a scratch. |
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| Aragorn: A scratch? Your head's off! |
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| Lurtz's
Head: No it isn't. |
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| Aragorn: Look! |
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| Lurtz's
Head: .....I've had worse. |
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| Aragorn: You liar! |
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| Lurtz's
Head: C'mon, ye pansy! |
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| Aragorn: (Kicks head, goes rolling down the hill) |
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| Boromir: Come and give me a goodbye kiss. |
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| Aragorn: Okay, but just the forehead. |
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| Legolas: Well, Boromir's dead and we lost all the hobbits...if things keep going like this, we're definitely screwed. |
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| Gimli: I'll feel a whole lot better as soon as we start killing things. |
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~ LOTR ~
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| Sam: Come baaack! If I can't have you, I'll drown myself! |
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| Frodo: Just go away, Sam...wait, you were actually serious. |
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| Sam: I'll never let go! |
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| Frodo: Look, there's Mordor. I'm sure the next movie's going to be just as happy and lighthearted as this one. |
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| Fans: Must...resist...urge...to...kill...Peter...Jackson... |
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| Peter
Jackson: If I get stuck with all the technical Oscars again, I'll be the one doing the killing... |
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Also see:
The Two Towers - "Scared Newborn Little Ponies"
The Return of the King - "Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball"