Parodies Etc.> Misc > LOTR - Alternate Directors
What would "The Lord Of The Rings, The Fellowship Of The Ring" look like if other directors had shot the movie?
George Lucas: (Star Wars)
- Hobbits in strange grammar speaksing
- ALL the swords glow
- The story is divided into nine parts, the ones in the middle are filmed first, every sequel has a happy end.
John Woo: (Broken Arrow, Face Off, Mission Impossible)
- Gandalf flees from the tower with 66 doves instead of an eagle
- Legolas shoots with two bows simultaneously (don't ask me how that's supposed to work)
- all the fight scenes are in slow motion and with background music only
Woody Allen:
- black/white and mono
- problems with the orcs are discussed at length
James Cameron: (Titanic, Terminator)
- each movie costs $ 400Mil
- Frodo is standing with the ring at the prow of an elven ship and yells: "I am the king of the world!"
- Arnie Schwarzenegger plays Sauron and claims in the battle at the beginning: "I'll be back"
M.Shamalasomething (The guy from The Sixth Sense)
- In the end it is revealed that the ringwraiths are the only living creatures, all the others are dead already
Michal Bay: (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys)
- Gimli´s axe has a huge inscription on its side saying "Wilkinson".
Aragorn's clothes are made by "Jack Wolfskin" and in Minas Tirith American flags are fluttering. While a woman is hanging out her washing the Nazgul are flying over her head in slow motion
Ridley Scott: (Blade Runner, Legends, The Silence of the Lambs, Alien)
- Frodo has an identity crisis, in the wood there are unicorns, the Nazgul have their design from H.R. Giger and Sauron is a gourmet
Alfred Hitchcock:
- The Nazgul look like birds and Frodo is trying to hide from them in a phone box.
- Gandalf and Pippin sleep in Minas Tirith at the Bate's Motel and in the end it is revealed that Frodo is dead and Sam has actually been wandering with a wraith.
- Hitchcock occurs in a supporting role as Gollum.
John McTiernan: (Die Hard)
- Frodo has one heck of a hangover, smokes, cusses, is unshaven and walks in his undershirt through Middle Earth grumbling all the time: "I love such days…" as he beats up some Orcs along the way.
- Gandalf is black and Aragorn keeps pondering whether he should call Arwen or not
Roland Emmerich: (Independence Day, Godzilla)
- Gandalfs death is shown in slow motion, underlined with extremely soppy music but 2 minutes later nobody mentions it anymore. The Balrog is a female and has laid eggs all over Moria. Everyone is holding up flags of their respective origin, but in the end after a moving speech held by Frodo they come together to bomb Sauron out of his shoes. The President of Middle Earth saves the fellowship and helps Frodo to finish his task.
David Fincher: (Seven)
- The movie is gloomy, the Hobbits depressive wrecks and Gandalf an illusion.
- In the end Sauron would capitulate and triumph anyway.
David Lynch: (Lost Highway)
- Even more gloomy. In the end the hobbits meet themselves in the shire
- nobody would understand the movie.
John Carpenter: (Escape from L.A., Halloween)
- Script, music, cut and direction would all be by John Carpenter himself alone.
- Middle Earth would look rather wrecked and one of the fellowship would actually be an insane killer who is about to freak out any second.
Ed Wood:
- The movie would be black/white and not shot in New Zealand but in some tiny studio in Hollywood.
- The Balrog would be made of cardboard and be dangling from threads in front of a hand-painted scene.
- If Ian McKellen had died during the shooting he would've been replaced by Steven Seagal, Danny DeVito or someone else - the actor would've been instructed to hold his cape in front of his face (nobody would notice anyway)
- The One Ring would be made of tin instead of gold
- Some decades later the movie would become cult anyway.
P.T. Anderson: (Magnolia)
- In the foreground stands the disunity and the personal fate of the characters, fights are of secondary importance. In the end it would rain orks and the movie would probably be 17 hours long.
Quentin Tarantino / Robert Rodriguez: (Pulp Fiction)
- Frodo and Sam, the coolest gangsters in all of Hobbiton, are sent by their boss Aragorn to find a mysterious ring.
- The movie would be full stuffed with cool talking and good music, every third word would be f*** and Frodo and Sam would be wearing black suits.
- The audience would never find out what the ring is actually useful for.
The Wachowski-Brothers: (Matrix)
- Through Gandalf, Frodo finds out that the reality he knows from the Shire is nothing but an illusion - a magic Ring is supposed to bring him to the other side.
- The movie would have lots of kung-fu fight scenes (Hobbits contra Orks), impressively caught by bullet time and slow motion
- Everyone would be wearing cool sunglasses and long black coats
- The movie wouldn't be based on the book but on a LOTR comic and it would have techno and KORN instead of Enya as background music.
The Disney-Studios:
- Bill, an Orc and the Balrog are cute clowns and the heroes are extremely heroic but still very lovable and sweet
- There wouldn't be any fights, problems would solve themselves somehow.
- All the songs and poems from the book would be sung and the title song "The golden ring is the key to the circle of life" would be interpreted by Phil Collins.
- A funny and entertaining movie for the whole family!
Sam Raimi: (Xena, Hercules, Night of the Living Dead, Army of Darkness, etc.)
- The Ring can be destroyed with the magical words Klaatu verrata nectu (or something like that...)
- Frodo has a chain saw and is played by Bruce Campbell
- All the actors are relatives of Sam Raimi
- The only car to be seen in the movie is to be seen on purpose
- Frodo and Co don't receive the instructions to destroy the ring from Gandalf himself but from a recording tape.
Stephen Spielberg: (E.T., Jurassic Park, A.I.)
- Frodo wants to call home but Gandalf doesn't pick up the phone.
- One of the hobbits finds an old rusty bicycle and use it to fly around Saurons head.
- Sauron is played by a computer generated dinosaur and Gollum is a robot